As the Wedding March plays on a pipe organ, a bride is walking down the aisle of a magnificent church toward the altar. Her train is half the length of the aisle. When she reaches the altar, we see that the bride is a beautiful, smiling, Laura. Her groom is Steele, who smiles at her in return.
The minister begins the ceremony. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join in holy matrimony these two-"
Laura is smiling as Steele. Her smile vanishes when Keyes declares, "Frauds!" Keyes is now the minister, complete with the cigar. He laughs. "This whole thing stinks, Holt! The only reason you're marrying Steele is to keep him from being deported. This marriage is a sham, the groom's a phony, and I'm gonna prove it!" He laughs again.
Laura puts a hand to her forehead in confusion and distress. She turns to look at Steele, but instead of his handsome face, there's a huge fish head.
Juan begins to sing "Feelings. Nothing more than Feelings." Laura looks at the altar and finds that Juan is now the minister, playing his concertina and singing.
The horn of a tuna boat sends us to the boat where Steele and Laura were married. Mildred is crying. "Don't you just love weddings?" she asks Estelle Becker.
Estelle sighs deeply. "I just hope I can get THIS one to stand up in my report."
Juan continues to sing, "Feelings …"
"How are we supposed to keep this up for two years!?" Laura whispers, looking unhappy.
"By being the happiest married couple in America," Remington tells her.
"But we're not really married, you conniving con-man!"
Juan is still singing, "Feelings, nothing more than feelings…"
Laura, still in Steele's arms, sighs. "This is the worst day of my life!!"
Juan is again singing, "Feelings, nothing more than feelings…"
And Laura, still in Steele's arms, again sighs, saying, "This is the worst day of my life!!" in echoing, distant voice
"Laura," Steele says. She's sitting in the limo, staring into space. "Laura," he says again, trying to get her attention. When she doesn't respond, he raises his voice. "Laura!" She jumps and sits up straight, then looks at him. He smiles at her. "Where were you?" he asks.
She shakes her head, putting a hand up to her matted hair. "Closer to hell than I've ever been," she tells him. Suddenly she hears Juan singing again and her eyes widen in horror.
"Feelings." She turns slowly to find Juan and two of his friends from the boat in the back seat. "For all my life I'll feel it. I wish I'd never met you, girl. You'll never come again."
Laura turns back around as Steele smiles slightly. "I spoke too soon," she says.
***
From outside the door of Steele's apartment, we hear whistles of approval. The door opens, and Steele carries Laura over the threshold. Mildred, Estelle, Juan, and his buddies follow them. Steele lowers Laura to her feet.
"I'll see what I can rustle up in the kitchen," Mildred tells them.
"Cervezas," Juan tells her.
"What a lovely apartment this is, Mr. Steele," Estelle says. "Is this where the two of you are planning to live?"
"Yes," Steele answers.
"No," Laura replies.
Estelle's smile falters a bit at the confusion.
Steele and Laura glance at each other and try again.
"No," Steele says.
"Yes," Laura answers.
"Actually," Steele tries to clarify as Laura looks up at him, "Yes and no. We're gonna live here, but we're gonna redo the entire place. Yeah." He clamps an arm around Laura, pulling her to his side. "Now that Laura's the little woman," he says, giving her hair a kiss. Laura rolls her eyes up at him. "Uh, she's got definite ideas about the décor." Laura takes a deep breath.
"I'm very partial to Scotch plaid," Estelle tells them.
Laura looks ill. Steele hesitates before saying, "That's a wonderful suggestion. Yes, yes. Add a bit of colour to these drab old bachelor digs, eh?" He chuckles and turns to Laura, who looks back up at him. "What do you think, my love?"
"I think I'll freshen up a bit," she decides, sweeping her hair from her face with a demure look as she goes to the bedroom.
"Good idea," Steele agrees, looking uncomfortable as he stands there with Estelle and Juan, who begins to sing again.
"Laura, is the face in the misty night. Footsteps that you hear down the hall-" Steele grins, chuckling nervously as Juan jerks his head in the direction of the bedroom. He backs Steele in that direction, making kissing noises and smiling. Steele nearly trips over the couch. "She gave your very first kiss to you." Steele places his hand on the doorknob. "That was Laura- but she's only a dream," he finishes.
Steele touches his shoulder, then cautiously enters the bedroom to find Laura standing there facing away from the door, her arms folded, looking angry. He closes the door and puts his hands into his pockets, leaning on the wall. "Thinking about the Scotch plaid?" he asks.
"Don't you ever call me the 'little woman' again," she tells him, turning to face him.
"Merely a figure of speech, Laura," he tells her.
"I am not *your* little woman. I am not *anybody's* little woman."
"If we're gonna *look* married, we have to *act* married."
"If that means making goo-goo sounds and mooning over Scotch plaid every time someone's around, let's forget it!" She turns away to move across the room.
Steele follows her. "Laura, Laura, Laura. Look. You're tired, you're- you're-" he surveys her disheveled appearance, "you're- and you're absolutely- I mean, -You're filthy, and you-" he stops, leaning closer to sniff at her. "You smell like a crab salad. Take a bath in there," he says, pointing to the bath. "You'll feel much better. Just don't use my razor on your legs. It nicks the blades," he explains.
"Good idea," she decides, and starts toward the outer door.
"You're going the wrong way," he tells her.
"I'm going home. To take a bath in *my* tub, to nick *my* razor." She gets the door open before he closes it.
"Plenty of time for that," he tells her, standing before her as she leans against he wall. "Just as soon as we convince our immigration lady out there that we're sincerely and irrevocably married."
"Why did I ever agree to this?!" Laura questions in a soft yet desperate voice.
"Because you didn't want to see me deported," Steele reminds her, smiling. His smile fades as she's silent. "You don't- want to see me deported- do you?" he asks nervously.
"I'm thinking," she replies in a thoughtful tone. "I'm thinking."
"Laura, if you remember, I didn't want to get you involved in this charade," he tells her. "You volunteered!"
"I know," she says, moving away from him toward the bed. "That was always my problem. Even as a child." She sits down on the end of the bed. "I had my hand up for every thankless task, every dirty job. Eager little Laura, first in line to please."
Steele sits on the bed as well. "Look, I know it's not gonna be easy, or particularly enjoyable. However, somehow we'll get through it. After all, we carried off the myth of Remington Steele's existence for all these years-"
"So a simple thing like a bogus marriage should be a-" she snaps her fingers, "piece of cake."
"Look on the bright side," Steele tells her. "After a couple of years, we can get a divorce," he says with a smile.
Laura looks as if the idea has merit. "Now you're talking," she agrees.
His smile fades. "In case I haven't said it before, thank you."
She nods, and takes a deep breath. "Okay." She gets up from the bed and heads for the door. "Let's go out and talk Scotch plaid. But if anybody gives me a silver pattern, I'm going to cream them."
Steele grins, putting his hands on her shoulder. "That's my little woman-" he says, then pulls his hands back as she glares. He quickly changes it "Trouper. Remember. Hap-hap-happy," he says, smiling.
Laura pastes a faux, toothy smile on her face as he opens the door.
Mildred, Estelle and the Mexicans are there when they come out, and toss rice at them. "Congratulations!" Estelle says.
"Boss," Mildred says, "do we have anymore beer, cause we're running dangerously low."
"No, I'm sorry," Steele says. "Hey, listen, Juan. DO you know 'The Party's Over'?"
"Que?" Juan asks.
"Don't worry, I'll send you the sheet music," Stele promises, turning him and his friends around and herding them toward the front door. "Guys, here's the door, right over here."
"Mas Cerveza," Juan says.
"No mas Cerveza," Steele tells him as Laura, Mildred and Estelle follow. "Okay, Señor, don't worry. It's been really lovely having you," he says at the door. He pretends kissing and Juan laughs, understanding. Steele opens the door and finds himself looking at a potted cactus.
Keyes lowers the plant and hands it to a non-smiling Steele. "A wedding present," he says.
Steele eyes the cactus warily. "Oh. You shouldn't have." He hands it to Laura.
"Every time we look at it, we'll think of you," she tells Keyes, then hands it to Mildred.
"I'd invite you in, Keyes," Steele says, "But I just had the carpet cleaned."
"Still crackin' jokes, huh, Steele? Well, let me tell you somethin'. I'm in the last-laugh business, and I'm gonna have it on all of you! This farce you call a marriage is gonna cost you five years in the federal pen," he says, then points at Laura, "And your investigator's license," he points at Mildred and Estelle. "And your job. So keep listening' pretty boy," he tells Steele, "Because that's me you're gonna hear laughin'- when you're on your way to Leavenworth." He turns and leaves.
Mildred hands the cactus to one of the Mexicans. "Party favor!" she declares. "Vamoose. Vamoose."
"Adios," is said by all as the three men leave. Steele closes the door behind them.
"That man is despicable," Estelle declares of Keyes.
"I could take a bat to that piñata head of his," Mildred declares angrily.
"Now, now, now, now," Steele tells them, holding out his hands. "It's okay. No need to let Keyes ruin such a joyous occasion. So, uh,- so uh, if you don't mind," he says, putting his arm around Laura, "Mrs. Steele and I would like to get a jump on our honeymoon activities."
"Where are you going?" Estelle asks.
Laura looks terrified. "Going?" she asks.
"On your honeymoon," Estelle says.
"Well," Laura begins, "we hadn't actually made any- specific plans," she tells the woman, a hand on Steele's jacket lapel. She smiles.
Steele hedges, "Yeah. We thought we'd just let the spirit move us, you know?" he squeezes Laura's shoulder.
"You heard Keyes," Estelle reminds them. "The man is relentless. He has raised such a stink about this marriage that *my* superiors are breathing down *my* neck, which means that I'm going to be looking over *your* shoulders. Now, I recommend you have this honeymoon right away, Mr. Steele. And take *lots* of pictures."
"I got it," Mildred says, clapping her hands together.
"What?" Laura asks.
"That's my wedding present."
"No, Mildred," Steele says. "No, no, no, no."
"That's sweet," Laura begins.
But Mildred is insistent. "I said, the honeymoon is on me."
***
A jet glides through the clouds and we find
Laura and Remington uncomfortably crammed in tourist section in
a row of 4 seats. Remington is squeezed against the window and
Laura is crammed beside him, the gentleman beside her taking half
of her seat as well his own. Both are dressed casually. Remington,
wearing a black and white striped cotton shirt over a white tank
top, has his chin propped up on his hand. Laura is wearing an
royal blue blouse over a blue print long sleeved dress. Her hair
is shorter now and has wispy bangs, and she is holding a royal
blue fedora in her lap.
"Remind me to give Mildred a raise when we get back from Mexico," Steele says in a monotone voice.
"I'm sure it's just a small problem in communication," Laura tells him. Seeing a flight attendant pass by, she calls out, "Excuse me, Miss?"
Leaning toward Laura, the Mexican attendant recites, "Seafood Surprise or Chunky Beef?"
"Actually, there seems to be a mix-up in our seating," the new Mrs. Steele tells her. "Are there any openings in first class" she asks, motioning toward the front of the plane.
"I will check, but I doubt there were any cancellations."
"Don't say that word," Remington says in a zombie-like voice.
"Never mind," Laura says, making light of the situation. "It's a sore subject." Then covering her face with her fedora, she settles back in her seat and attempts to get some rest.
***
At the airport, a hot and tousled looking Steele waits with Laura, who now sports a shorter haircut. "I thought Mildred said there'd be a limousine waiting for us," he tells her.
"Oh, there we are," she says, waving at a man carrying a sign that reads, " Señoras Steal". "I think. Hello," she tells him. "I believe you're looking for us?" He just stands there. Laura glances at Steele, then points to the sign. "Steele. We are Steele." Steele nods in agreement. "Comprende?"
The man says, "Sí," and turns away, expecting them to follow.
"It's alright," Steele calls after him. "We'll get the bags. Don't worry."
"Well, I certainly hope the limousine's nicer than the driver," Laura says.
***
A small prop plane is sputtering through the clouds. Laura and Steele are crammed on the floor in the back, surrounded by their luggage. Steele's chin is practically resting on his knees. They look at each other, Steele giving her a look which says, 'How much worse can this get?' As she tries to look pleasant, he just looks out his window. Suddenly, a chicken flies straight at them from the front of the plane. Laura flinches and closes her eyes as Steele catches it. As he sits there holding it in his arms, she looks straight ahead and tries her best not to smile.
The man with the sign is now behind the wheel of the flying rattletrap. He's swaying from side to side and grinning from ear to ear, obviously enjoying the flight more than our newlyweds.
Soon the plane lands. Laura opens the exit door, lowers the steps and raises the hatch. She staggers out with her two suitcases, followed by Steele with his half of the luggage and five or six other passengers. They all trudge forward, heading for the 'terminal.'
"Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Paul Newman, Robert Redford, 20th Century Fox, 1969," Steele says, gracing his bride with another movie citation.
"What about it?" she asks.
"This looks exactly like the place where Butch and Sundance died."
"Mr. Steele, this is not the time for nostalgia," she says, reprimanding him.
Just then they see a guy approaching them and holding up yet another sign with their name on it. It says "Senoras Steela".
Steele mumbles a greeting at him and Laura says, "Si."
The guy turns and walks away and they follow him for three steps. When they see him get into a dusty, battered bus that's seen better days, Steele drops first one bag and then the other, puts his hands on his hips and rubs his chin with his hand. He and Laura share a look of disbelief as he again puts his hands on his hips and lets out a big sigh.
***
A dusty, battered bus that's seen better days makes its way over a dusty jungle road. Inside, Laura and Steele are bounced around, sharing their "limo" with chickens, and other people. Suddenly everyone else calmly gets out of their seats and gets on the floor. The driver takes a plate and holds it to the window beside him, ducking close to it.
Steele asks, "Laura, why are all those people-" His eyes widen as the sound of a bullet reaches his ears. A window breaks on the bus, and he and Laura dive for the floor of the bus as well as more bullets fly through the bus.
A Mexican woman looks up at them, her calm expression unchanged. "Malvados," she tells them.
"What's a malvado?" Laura asks.
"I'm not sure," Steele responds. "But I don't think it's good."
As the bullets keep flying, Laura tells him, "Somehow, I never imagined our honeymoon any other way."
***
The bus drops them before a run down hotel in the middle of the jungle. There's a neon sign that reads, "Hotel Del Amor". Laura and Steele drag their suitcases to the front desk, where a man waits, smiling.
"Buenos dias, Señor," he says.
"Hi," Steele replies, out of breath.
"You are the Steeles, no?"
"Uh huh," Steele nods.
"Yes," Laura says brightly. "How did you know?"
"We've been expecting you. Welcome to the Hotel of Love." He's still smiling. "Sign, please?" he turns the register toward Steele.
"The Hotel of Love?" Laura questions, looking at Steele, who's frowning.
"There are telephones in the rooms, I trust?" Steele asks as he signs.
"Oh, no, Señor," the clerk tells them.
Laura leans on the desk. "Then, where is the nearest phone?"
"Las Hadas."
"And where is that?" Steele asks.
"Thirty miles."
"Thirty miles?" Laura repeats in disbelief.
He turns and grabs a key, flips an electrical circuit switch on the wall, then picks up a white bundle. "You have the penthouse suite," he informs them, still smiling. He hands Steele the key, and gives the white bundle to Laura. "Enjoy!"
"What's that?" Steele asks Laura as she takes the bundle.
"Mosquito netting?" she questions.
"Every jungle has mosquitoes," the man tells her with a shrug.
***
They lug their cases up a long circular stairway and enter the so-called 'penthouse suite', which consists of a tiny room with no window glass, and an amenities. Paint is peeling off of the walls. Steele sits on the bed, looking as if he doesn't quite believe it.
Laura tosses her hat aside, then removes her jacket and belt, throwing them onto the floor. Steele hangs his head in exhaustion. "Okay," she mutters, picking up the netting. "Okay." She finds a corner and reaches up to tie it to the light bulb hanging from the ceiling as Steele sits there, watching her.
She barely gets it tied on when the fixture falls from the ceiling, sending a shower of plaster onto her head. Laura begins to laugh, and after a moment, Steele joins her. The wind up lying on the bed, laughing.
***
Later, they're outside, walking. "Peso for your thoughts," Steele offers.
"Nothing," she says.
"Oh."
"I was just thinking, why we put up with all of this. Why it never seems to get any easier."
"You mean why we don't just give up and- uh, go our separate ways?" he asks.
"Have any answers?" she asks.
He grins. "I-uh- I don't think you wanna get into that."
"Try me," Laura suggests, stopping.
Steele turns to look at her. "Okay. Why do we always draw the line at the bedroom door?"
"I don't know. I guess the timing's never been quite right," she says. "When one of us was ready, the other wasn't."
"But haven't we been avoiding it?" he asks. "Afraid of what comes after that magical moment?"
"What does come after?"
"I don't know," he tells her honestly.
Laura takes a deep breath. "That's the scary part."
"Um hmm," he agrees. "But we're never gonna know unless we take a risk."
"You mean let the chips fall where they may?"
"Be bold," Steele continues.
"Rise to the occasion," Laura says.
"Up periscope," Steele says, smiling.
"You've convinced me,' Laura tells him, and throws herself at him, kissing him.
"Mm mm," Steele moans softly, returning her kiss, extending it. Once it ends, he looks at her. "Uh huh. And you've convinced me.
"Maybe this honeymoon will turn out to be a blessing in disguise after all," Laura says.
"There's just one slight problem."
"Naturally."
"With all due respect to the Hotel Del Amor, we've waited far too long not to capture the moment in a more- worthy setting."
"If Las Hadas has telephones," Laura reasons, "it must have other amenities."
Steele smiles. "I'll get the bags," he says.
"I'll check us out."
He groans in anticipation.
***
"Seventy two thousand pesos?" Laura questions the clerk as a disbelieving Steele stands beside her. "That's ridiculous! We've only been here twenty minutes!"
Steele swats at a mosquito on his neck. "Sorry, Señora, but we've had to turn people away."
"Obviously the lucky ones," Steele comments.
"Now look here," Laura says, " Señor Amigo. What *exactly* is seventy two thousand pesos on American dollars?"
"At the current rate of exchange," he says, using an ancient adding machine, "about a hundred bucks."
"Pay the man," Laura tells Steele.
Steele pulls out his American Express card and hands it to the clerk, who looks at it and grins. "Ah, sí. Karl Malden. Don't leave home without him. Sorry, amigo, no plastic," he tells Steele, returning the card.
Steele takes the card. "Give him a traveler's cheque," Laura suggests, and Steele starts digging for them.
"Sorry," the clerk tells them. "No paper. Only pesos."
"I told you to get pesos at the airport," Laura reminds a stunned Steele.
"I know," he sighs.
"But no, you wanted a better rate at the bank-"
Steele nods, holding up his hand. "Would you calm down? I want us out of here for the same reason you do- remember?" She looks up at him from beneath the brim of her hat as he tells the clerk, "Okay, look- we'll leave our luggage as collateral, okay?"
"And if you don't come back?" he asks.
"You keep it," Laura says.
"I don't do much traveling."
Laura glances at Steele's arm. "What about his watch?" she asks, gaining a surprised look from Steele.
"What about her?" the clerk asks, smiling at Laura, who looks worried.
"What about her?" Steele asks in reply.
"I think you'll come back for her."
Steele looks at Laura for a moment. "Well-"
"What do you mean 'Well'?" she asks.
"I'm thinking. I'm thinking," he says, getting a bit of his own back. She hits his arm. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Of *course* I'll come back for you!" He rubs his arm.
"When does the bus leave?" Laura asks.
"Five o'clock."
"Five o'clock," Steele says. "Great."
"Thursday," the man finishes.
Steele and Laura both glare at him. "Thursday," Steele says.
"But- you are in luck," the clerk assures him with a smile.
Steele is trying to put the broken down jeep that's outside into gear. The engine is barely running, and Laura stands with clerk, frowning. "Isn't it dangerous out there? What about the malvados?" she asks the man.
"They only come out when the bus comes!" he yells back at her.
Steele gets the jeep into gear and heads out. "Stay on the road and you won't have any problems!" the clerk calls.
"Bye!" Laura says, waving.
The clerk turns and smiles at Laura, who returns the smile nervously.
***
Later, Laura is walking on the grounds when she's confronted and partially surrounded by several dangerous looking men. "Hola!" she says brightly. Then, nervous, she tips the brim of her hat and says, "Adios!" and dives into the jungle, her only avenue of escape.
She runs from the malvados until she reaches the edge of a river. The rapids look dangerous, and as she's standing there, the men come closer and closer. Suddenly a man swings from a vine and knocks the malvados away. He defeats all of them, and turns to Laura, who's standing there on the edge of the precipice, stunned. "Welcome to Mexico," her rescuer says, revealing that he's American, and turns back, only to find himself on the receiving end of a punch from one of the malvados. It knocks him backward, into Laura, and sends *her* into the rapids.
He looks at the man for a second, then jumps in after Laura.
Laura rides the rapids to a tree branch over the water, and manages to grab onto it. The man catches the branch as well. "Hold on!" he tells her, moving closer to her.
"I'm slipping!" Laura tells him.
"Whatever you do, don't slip!" he begs. But she does, just as he grabs for her.
Laura goes over a high waterfall, screaming. The man watches, then sighs. "Oh, what the hell," he mutters, and lets go to follow her.
He comes up to the surface the bottom of the fall, and looks around for Laura. He hears a whistle from the bank, and looks over to find her there, dripping wet, her arms across her chest. He swims over and climbs out.
"You slipped!" he accuses, sitting down on a rock.
"I apologize!" Laura yells over the sound of the water. "Next time, I'll bring my gloves!"
"That's a hundred foot drop," he tells her. "We could have been killed!"
"You're the one who knocked *me* into the rapids!" Laura tells him, coming to stand before him as he tries to regain his breath.
"Hey lady, remember the vine? That was me! And what were you doing in the jungle with those guys?"
"Sightseeing," Laura replies, angry.
He gets up and walks off. "Where are you going?" Laura calls after him.
"East!"
Laura glares, then sits down on the rock that he was sitting on. She stays there for a second, then jumps up and follows him.
***
Steele has managed to get the hang of the jeeps shifting pattern, and tools along down the road. He tops a hill, and the jeep ends up in a pond. Steele sits there, looking about, then stands in the seat, turning around to get his bearings.
***
The man is using a machete to cut a path through the jungle as Laura says, "Could you slow down a bit?"
"No," he says, pushing a branch aside-, which then pops back to hit Laura in the face.
"Could you cut the branches just a *little* shorter?"
"What a team. I do all the work, you do all the bitchin'!"
"At least I'm doing a better job than you are," she tells him.
They reach a clearing where some ruins are located. "Good Lord," Laura sighs.
"You mean you're not gonna complain?" the man asks as he kneels to open his pack and remove some items. "That they're too old, or that they're too out of the way? Or- too somethin'?"
"Hey, let's just call a truce, okay?" Laura suggests.
"Hey, fine by me," he agrees.
"So this is where you were heading when you rescued me?" she asks. "And by the way, thanks."
"Yes, I was. And you're welcome."
"So what do you do?" she asks. "Clean stones?"
"I thought you said truce," he tells her, glaring as he takes a drink of water.
"Sorry. Sometimes I get in a groove and I just can't get out of it."
"I'm an archeologist. I'm about to set up a dig here. How about some coffee?"
"Sounds good," she replies shortly.
He glares at her again, then gets up and heads toward the jungle.
"Where are you going now?" Laura wants to know.
"I didn't know about you, but I like my coffee hot. So I'm about to go get some wood. If that's okay by you."
Laura holds up her hands to signal surrender.
"Thank you."
He walks into the jungle and finds himself confronted by the malvados again. "Where you been, amigo?" the one who hit him and knocked Laura into the rapids says in a threatening tone. "We have been waiting a long time."
"You know, that was some punch you landed on me."
"You wanted us to make it look bueno."
He pulls some money from his pocket and hands it to the man. "Yeah. But you made it look so bueno that you almost got me and the girl killed."
"If you can't swim, stay off of the water," he laughs. "Gracias." They all start laughing, and Laura's rescuer laughs as well, then punches the leader.
As the others move closer, he pulls his machete and holds it to the man's throat. "De nada," he says, then takes off.
Rejoining Laura with the wood, he lays it down. She comes over to him. "Going to rub two sticks together?"
He grins and tosses a lighter into the air. "Nah. Got one of these. So. What's a nice girl like you doing in a jungle like this?" he asks.
"It's a long story," she tells him, kneeling across the fire from him. "But the short of it is I'm supposed to be in Las Hadas."
"Nice place. Little bit too civilized for me."
"You like it better in these ruins?"
"We call them monuments down here."
"Oh. Would you point me in the right direction for the town of Las Hadas?" she asks.
"West," he tells her.
"West." She looks around. "Let's see. West would be- that way," she decides, extending her arm, thumb up, to her right.
He looks up and grins, pulling her arm toward him. "West." She pulls her arm away after a moment. "Coffee'll be ready in a minute," he assures her.
"It'll be dark soon," she says, standing up. "I'd- better be on my way."
"I'll take you," he says, looking at her.
"OH, you have things to do. Besides, I used to be a Bluebird."
He nods. "Oh."
"Well, thanks again. Maybe we'll run into each other in a museum or something." She holds out her hand to him, but he ignores it to concentrate on the fire.
"Good luck."
She takes a few steps away. "West," she muses. The growling roar of a big cat makes her stop and turn back to him. He smiles knowingly. "I think I'll have that cup of coffee first," she decides, and goes back to the fire.
***
A muddy and disheveled Steele walks through the jungle. When something flies past him, he drops to the ground, waiting. An orange golf ball comes to a stop before him, and he picks it up, looking at it. Then he gets up and walks a bit, coming upon a golf course. Two men are teeing up on the green, and turn to look at him. "Hi," he says, smiling at the signs of civilization.
"Hi," one the golfers responds.
He looks at the ball sitting on the grass, then lifts his hand. "Oh. Titleist II?" he asks.
"Sí," the other man says, holding out his hand.
Steele cleans it on his dirty shirt. "Here you go." He looks at the shot the other man's about to take. "What've you got there?" He inspects the iron, then looks at the green across a hazard. "Yeah. I'd suggest a six iron. Really. Goodday." He walks off.
At the edge of the bay, he sees a magnificent hotel. Before entering the building, he removes his muddy shoes and runs a hand through his hair as he approaches the desk.
"Good afternoon," he tells the lady who's standing there, "I'd like your finest room, please," he says. She stares at him in surprise at his appearance. "The honeymoon suit, if it's available- and even if it's not."
She bends over the counter to look at him, then looks at a man who's hanging up the telephone. He joins the young lady, dismissing her with a nod. "May I help you, Señor?" he asks.
"Um. I was inquiring about the honeymoon suite." Steele pulls his sodden wallet from his pocket and drops it onto the counter. "Money's no object."
"We will check as to its availability, Mr.-"
"Steele. Remington Steele."
The man's eyes almost glaze over. "*The* Remington Steele?" he asks. "You are the big dick from Los Angeles," he says.
Steele smiles at being recognized. "I see my reputation has preceded me," he says.
"But of course. I am Fernando the hotel manager. Welcome to Las Hadas." He shakes Steele's hand.
"Thank you."
Fernando leans closer. "You are- on an undercover assignment, sí?"
"Actually, I just had a run in with a rather nasty pot hole," Steele tells him. "I'd like to exchange these traveler's cheques for pesos as soon as possible."
"No problema," Fernando assures him.
"I'll also need a taxi-"
"No problema."
"So I can retrieve my bride from the Hotel Del Amor."
"Big problema."
"Why?"
"Ah, you see, no one goes into the jungle at night," Fernando tells him. "Malvados, you know."
"Oh," Steele says.
"But- your bride will be there in the morning."
"Yes, one can only hope," Steele tells him, laughing nervously. The laughter fades as he hears a familiar voice.
"Like I told you, Steele, you can run, but you can't hide."
Steele turns to find Keyes standing there. "Well, well, well. Norman Keyes. What a coincidence."
"Yeah. You think it's a coincidence if you want- but I got you- I got you right where I want you."
Steele glares. "You've snapped, Keyes, you know that? Go find yourself a padded cell before you hurt yourself."
"You now you're this close to the edge?" Keyes tells him, holding his thumb and index fingers close together. "And I'm gonna love givin' you the boot."
Steele frowns as Keyes moves away. Fernando smiles. "What a happy surprise. You already meet an old friend." Steele grins and laughs nervously. Fernando holds up a key. "Enjoy your stay."
"Thank you."
***
That evening, in the luxurious honeymoon suite, Steele, now showered and wearing clean clothes, is on the telephone. "Mildred! -Mildred! Look, I don't mean to look a gift horse in the mouth, but either your travel agent's a crook, or you don't love us as much as you say you do . . . Hm mm." He sits down before a bowl of fresh fruit. There's a glass of champagne close to hand, as well as a bottle of the bubbly on ice. "I know . . . Right . . .Well, that wasn't the case . . . Uh huh . . . That's the spirit, Mildred! Make those heads roll! Bye!"
The doorbell rings as he hangs up the telephone. He goes to the door and opens it to reveal a dirty, ragged Laura, wearing a shirt over her dress. "Laura. Hey. How'd you get through the jungle?" he asks.
"No thanks to you," she tells him sourly. "That's how I got through the jungle." She enters the door and Steele watches her as he starts to close it. But something is in the way, and he looks at the floor. Someone's foot is between the door and the frame. He pulls the door back again to reveal Laura's new friend. "Oh."
"Excuse me," the man says, pointing toward Laura before following her.
Steele looks out of the door curiously, then follows the man to the entry of the living area, where Laura is standing, brooding.
"My jacket?" he tells her.
She looks embarrassed. "Oh. Sorry." She takes it off and gives it back to him. "Thanks."
"You're welcome," he replies.
"Clothing salesman?" Steele asks Laura as she turns away.
"He's the reason I'm here," she informs him.
"Oh, well, in that case, I'm eternally grateful, Mr.-, um?"
"I don't even know -" Laura starts to say, hesitating. " your name."
"Roselli. Anthony Roselli. My friends call me Tony," he says, holding out a hand to Steele, who looks him over uncertainly before taking the hand.
"Yes, I'm sure they do," Steele says. "Remington Steele."
"You wouldn't believe what we've been through," Laura tells her 'husband'. "I was chased by malvados, then Tony- Mr. Roselli- fought them off, then we fell into some rapids-"
"You must be very thirsty," Steele says, interrupting her recital. "Would you- would you like some champagne?" he asks, going toward the table.
"Got a beer?" Tony asks as he and Laura follow Steele.
Steele pauses while pouring another glass. "No. Carry on, Laura," he prompts.
"After the rapids, we cascaded over a waterfall and macheted our way through a jungle to some old ruins. They're called monuments down here," she remembers, glancing at Tony's chest.
"Sounds like a veritable 'Romancing the Stone'," Steele notes.
"What?" Tony asks.
"Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, 20th Century Fox, 1985," Steele cites, sipping his wine.
"Oh," Tony says.
Steele takes another drink, then remembers his manners. "Would you like some fish eggs?"
Laura's becoming a trifle upset at his attitude and glares as Tony refuses. "No thank you, I never got a taste for those things. So, tell me, Mr. Steele, what brings you here?"
"I think I'll let Laura field that one," Steele says, looking at her, as does Tony.
"Oh," she says, smiling self-consciously as she goes to get some of the caviar. "That's another thing that I forgot to tell you, Tony- um, Mr. Roselli." Steele picks up her glass of champagne. "We are on our- uh, actually, we are on our-" She takes a bite of cracker and fish eggs, moaning at the taste.
Steele hands her the glass. "Spit it out, Laura."
She takes a drink, then tells Tony, "Honeymoon."
Steele lifts his glass in Tony's direction as Tony seems to be stunned by the news. "Your honeymoon. Really?" She nods, eating and drinking champagne. "Well, uh, I never would have guessed."
"Well," Steele muses, sitting down, "from what you've both been through, you obviously didn't have any time for any- small talk."
"I mean," he says, pointing at Laura's hand, "no wedding ring."
"No wedding ring," Laura realizes, looking at Steele. "Oh-"
"It's in Los Angeles," Steele informs Tony, thinking quickly. "Being sized." Laura smiles at Tony. "It belonged to my great grandmother, who inherited it from her Greek uncle. He came upon it while he was in Paris on a secret mission for the Grand Duke's nephew." Laura tries to stop him, to no avail. "It seems that Napoleon's tailor, took this as a- as a payment for this wonderful-"
She finally places a hand on his shoulder to stop him. "Alright, stop with the history lesson, dear," she says, smiling. "It's just a gold band."
He smiles as well. "Forgive me, Laura. I didn't mean to ramble on about the family jewels."
Laura closes her eyes and takes another drink.
"I'd better shove off," Tony decides, backing toward the entry. "Look it's been real nice meeting you. Both." Laura is heading toward him, intending to walk him out, but they both stop as Steele speaks again.
"Why don't you join us for dinner?" he says. He gets up and joins Laura. "It's the least I can do to thank you for salvaging my wife."
"No," Laura says. "He has to get back to the ruins."
"They're called monuments down here, Laura," he reminds her evenly, his gaze on Tony.
She folds her arms, turning to Tony. "No matter what they're called, he has to be going."
"I could always eat," Tony assures them.
"Splendid," Steele says. Laura isn't happy with this turn of events. "Ten o'clock? The terrace?"
"You got it," Tony agrees, shaking Steele's hand again.
"I look forward to breaking bread with you, Antony."
Laura, standing between them looks at their joined hands and then at Tony's muscular arm.
"Me too," Tony tells him, then, with a final glance at Laura, he leaves.
Steele passes Laura, who asks, "Why did you invite him to dinner? A simple 'thank you' would have sufficed."
"I just wanted to hear all about your intrepid trek," Steele assures her.
"Well, it certainly doesn't look like you went through much getting here."
"Me? Hardly used the jeep," he tells her truthfully, refilling his glass.
"Terrific. I'm in the middle of a jungle, fighting for my life, and you're here, swilling champagne and munching caviar!" She opens one of the doors to the terrace and goes out, closing it behind her, nearly catching Steele's hand as he follows her. She paces away from him, then confronts him again as he comes out. "I traipse in here with Tony-"
"Mr. Roselli," Steele corrects.
"And what do you do? You offer him fish eggs!"
"He looked hungry."
They circle the pool as she asks, "Don't you think other men might find me attractive?"
"Have anyone in mind?"
"Don't you think he was?"
"Was what?"
"Attractive!"
"I didn't notice."
"Well, he was. Damned attractive," she says petulantly.
"Very well, Laura, I'll take your word for it. You've always had a keen eye for that sort of thing, you know," he tells her as she closes the door back into the suite, leaving him outside.
He opens the door and goes inside. "Laura, I don't understand why you're so angry. I thought I was excruciatingly pleasant to your guest." She finishes her glass of champagne. Steele puts his glass down as well.
"There we were," she says, "two incredibly attractive people, together deep in the jungle, and you're not even remotely jealous!"
Steele joins her on the landing leading toward the bedroom. "All right, all right" he admits. "If it makes you happy, I'm jealous."
"Too late!" she declares, turning toward the bedroom.
"Laura, I'm very jealous. You gotta believe me. I'm really-" he's cut off as the bedroom door closes in his face. He sighs. "Well,- well, at least we're starting to act like a married couple."
***
Later, over dinner, Laura gives Steele a glare of warning. He clears his throat. "Antony- I think now is as good a time as any to get something off my chest."
Tony looks at him. "Oh?"
"Yes."
"Shoot."
"I must admit, I was somewhat jealous that I was beating through the bush with my wife." Laura looks at him, horrified.
Tony looks amused. "Bush beating? Me?"
"Well, you are a relatively attractive man, and well,- do you find my wife attractive?" he asks.
Laura stops eating again and glares at him.
"Yeah," Tony admits. "Sure."
"Hence my jealousy," Steele says. Laura barely moves, but Steele grunts and winces in pain as we hear her kick his shin under the table.
Tony looks from one to the other, uncertain.
Steele chuckles. "Are you married, Tony?" he asks.
"No."
"It's a funny thing about wives, you know. No matter how hard you try to satisfy them, you can never please them. Take Laura, for instance. I mean, just tonight, she wanted me to be jealous-" she kicks him again.
"Tell me, Tony, what made you choose archeology?" Laura asked.
"Well, I kinda got into it sideways," he tells her.
"Always an interesting position," Laura says, smiling at Steele, who doesn't look pleased as he clears his throat.
"What I mean is that I started out as a baseball player," Tony tells her. "I pitched three years triple A, hurt my arm, I was outa there."
"A baseball player," Laura muses. "Isn't that fascinating, dear?" she asks Steele.
"Yes, well, Antony's a fascinating fellow- dear."
Tony watches their interaction.
"So, you went from, um, bats to bones," Steele says.
Tony grins. "It doesn't pay much, but I do get to travel a lot."
A waiter comes over and places a bottle of wine and an ice bucket beside Steele. "Compliments of the gentleman, Señor," he tells Steele.
Steele looks in the direction indicated and watches as Keyes lifts a glass in silent toast. Laura sees him as well. "Keyes! What's he doing here?" she asks.
Steele wipes his mouth. "I'll handle it," he says, grabbing the bottle of wine and heading for Keyes' table.
"Friend of yours?" Tony asks.
She hesitates. "Not exactly," she says, watching Steele approach Keyes.
Steele puts the bottle onto the table. "What's the matter, Steele? You don't want my little gift?"
"It's like you, Keyes, bad vintage."
"Tell me somethin', Steele, is it strictly a business deal between you and Holt?" He winks. "Or are you getting a little on the side?"
"You just don't know when to quit, do you, Keyes?"
"Y'know, she ain't a bad lookin' broad in the right light. If I didn't have anything better to do, I wouldn't mind havin' a go at her myself." He grins nastily.
Steele almost snarls as he tips a glass over into Keyes' lap, causing the man to stand up quickly. Steele throws a punch at the bald man, sending him over the railing and into the swimming pool on the lower level.
Tony jumps up as he tells Steele, I guess he didn't like the wine." Laura joins him as they go over to Steele.
Steele watches as Keyes climbs out of the pool. Two security guards grab Steele. "Okay, okay," Steele says.
One of the guards says, "Por favor senor, no queremos de problemas, todo venga con nosotros."
As Tony and Laura arrive, Steele asks Tony, "What's this guy saying?"
"They want you to go with them."
Laura moves toward him, but Tony stops her. "I'll go too," she says.
Steele shakes his head. "Keyes has just gone for a little swim. Finish your dinner, relax."
"Vamoose," the guard says.
"Okay, guys," Steele agrees as they take him away.
"Just give him a chance to cool off," Tony suggests. "He'll be alright."
"Let's get out of here," Laura says, taking off.
Tony follows her.
***
"The first order of business," Fernando tells Steele, "is to get Señor Keyes not to press any charges."
"He's lucky he fell off the balcony," Steele grinds out, "or he wouldn't be alive to press charges."
"Oh, please, Señor Steele. We cannot-" he stops as the phone rings. He answers and says "Halo... si... como?...ay pues...bueno, nos haremos(...) encuentres," before hanging up. " Señor Keyes. We cannot find him anywhere."
Steele shrugs. "In that case, it's been lovely," he says, getting up from the couch.
"Please. For all concerned. Stay away from Señor Keyes," Fernando warns.
"You tell him to stay away from me, Señor." Steele leaves.
***
Laura and Tony are walking along the beach. "You wanna talk about it?" Tony asks.
"It's another long story."
"I got time."
"Look, you don't have to baby sit me, Tony," she says, stopping and facing him. "I'll be fine, really. And so will Mr. Steele."
"You call him 'Mr. Steele'?" he questions.
She laughs. "Oh. He- used to be my- boss."
"Well, now he's your husband."
"Old habits die hard."
"I guess so."
She looks away as the string quartet nearby continues to play "As Time Goes By", then turns back to him. "I know I've said it already, but, thanks. For everything." She offers him her hand.
He slowly takes that hand and shakes it, but keeps holding it as he points at her and says, "Stay out of trouble."
Laura points her finger back, smiling at him. She leaves him there on the beach. He looks thoughtful.
***
Steele lets himself into the suite and stops, seeing Keyes lying on the floor of the side room, a broken lamp beside him. He closes the door and goes to check on the man. There's no pulse, and when Steele puts a hand to the back of Keyes' head, it comes away with blood on it.
He carries Keyes' blanket covered body down some steps to a cart, hiding as a laughing couple passes him. He puts the body into the cart and drives down to the beach. There, he puts the body into a cabana. Two security guards come up, shining a light into Steele's face as he comes out of the cabana.
"Something we can help you with, Señor Steele?" one of them asks.
"No. No, no, no. Gracias, no," Steele insists nervously. "I'm just going for a quick dip," he tells them, stripping off his shirt. "You know, to calm the nerves? Stimulate the body?"
Keyes' body falls out of the tent. The guards shine the light on him, and then back on Steele. Steele frowns, looking worried.