Daniel and Laura are walking outside, talking about his revelation. "The last time I visited the Earl, he told me his most painful regret was that he never got to see his son again. Having just found out my own odds were getting a bit long, I told him the truth. After all, he once thought Harry was his son. It's the first time in over thirty years I'd told anyone I was his real father."
"Is that why the Earl left Mr. Steele- Harry- the castle?" she asks.
Daniel nods. "He was the nearest the Earl ever came to finding his own son. He hoped the castle might- somehow bring Harry and me together."
"How am I supposed to believe any of this?" Laura asks him, stopping. "The first time I met you, you had more passports with more aliases than Mr. Steele did. How do I know this isn't just another in a long line of your scams?"
He looks at her. "You don't," he admits.
They start walking again. "If it is true, if you are his father, you've got to tell him. He deserves to know."
"He's done quite well without knowing," Daniel points out. "And he's learned to cope with whatever anger he feels toward his father."
"But that anger is based on a father he never knew," Laura points out. "Give him a father, and you could eliminate that anger."
"Or bring it to a boil," Daniel tells her.
"You can't not tell him," she insists.
Daniel stops and takes her hand. "My dear Laura, you're a lovely young lady, and Harry's extremely lucky to have you. But this is between him and me," he reminds her. He kisses her hand.
From the bushes, Steele and Tony watch, too far away to overhear, but close enough to see Daniel kiss her hand. "Who's the old guy with Laura?" Tony asks.
"That 'old guy' could run circles 'round the both of us," Steele informs him, watching closely as well.
On the ground, the Kemadov is beginning to wake up in the bag. Steele picks up a rock and knocks him out again.
Once the coast is clear, they carry Kemadov into the house, and take him down to the cellar. "This place looks like a dungeon," Tony says.
"Uh huh," Steele agrees. "In there." They open the bag. "There you go, sunshine. Come on."
They chain him to the wall, and as he regains consciousness, he recognizes Tony. "Roselli!"
Tony hits him in the stomach, angry. "I'm not the mole," Tony tells him. "Fitch is. He's setting me up. And you know it."
"I know nothing!" Kemadov says.
"Now you give me Fitch, or I'll keep your butt down here so long, they'll think you gave him to me anyway!" he pushes the defenseless man hard against the wall.
Steele comes between them, pulling Tony away and holding onto him. "Easy!" he tells Tony. "If I were you, I'd talk fast," Steele tells Kemadov. "This guy's serious!"
"I know nothing of Fitch!" Kemadov insists.
Tony breaks free and goes after him again. Steele pulls him off again and out of the room. In the hallway, Tony tells Steele, "Hope I wasn't too rough on you."
Steele stretches. "Oh, nonsense. A good chiropractor, I'll be ship-shape in a coupla days."
"We oughta give him another dose in about a half hour or so," Tony says.
Steele puts his fist into his palm. "Yeah," he agrees as they move away, watched- unknown to them- by Marissa.
***
Tony and Steele enter the drawing room. Steele is saying, "Though I normally like to believe that honesty is the best policy, I don't think Laura would condone our kidnapping a KGB section chief." He hands Tony a beer.
"What she doesn't know won't hurt her," Tony agrees, refusing the offer of a glass.
"My sentiments exactly," Steele agrees. He pours himself some wine. "Your toast."
"Laura," Tony says.
Steele hesitates, then says, "Laura," and they tap bottle to glass and drink as the lady herself enters the room. "Ah, Laura," Steele says.
She looks at them, suspicious. "What's going on?" she asks, approaching them. Looking at Tony, she says, "The last time I saw you was in the newspaper. You were wanted for espionage and murder." She looks at Steele.
Steele shrugs dismissively. "Tabloid sensationalism," he says. "Slipshod reporting. You know how the Irish love to exaggerate these things." He and Tony chuckle.
Laura's not convinced, but looks at Tony. "Would you excuse us, please?"
"Sure," he says. "Night." He holds up his beer as he leaves the room.
"Bon soir," Steele wishes him. He sniffs his wine as Laura stands there, looking curiously at him. It makes him nervous, and he laughs, moving away from her. He turns to find her still looking at him. "Laura?" he asks, but her expression doesn't change in the least. He continues toward a chair, and turns- only to stop as he realizes she hasn't moved at all. "Laura?" he says again, a bit louder this time.
She starts. "Oh, sorry," she apologizes. "Uh, so. What's with- uh, you and Daniel?"
"Daniel?" Steele questions, confused.
"I mean Tony. Why are you two so chummy all of a sudden?" she asks, tracing the pattern on the rug with the toe of her shoe.
"Well, let's just say he's not the ogre we thought he was. And, uh- speaking of chummy, what were you and Daniel chatting about?"
Laura's suddenly wary. "Daniel and I? When?"
"Outside. A few minutes ago."
Laura struggles to find an answer. "Uh, nothing. Nothing at all." She sits down. "I've- misjudged Daniel, you know," she confides to him. "He's, umm, really a very fine man."
Steele is shocked to hear her say that. "Really?"
Laura jumps up. "I'll be right back."
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"To get Daniel," she tells him.
"Why?"
"Since we're all getting along so well-I- I thought I'd invite him to- to share a nightcap with us." She puts out her hand. "Don't leave."
"No," Steele agrees, confused by her change of attitude toward Daniel.
***
Tony enters his room- and the lights go out again as Marissa hits him over the head. Daniel sighs. "Poor fellow. His lumps must have grandchildren by now."
"Well, if he'd stayed at the Embassy, we wouldn't have had to hit him again," she points out.
"You're right," Daniel agrees. "It's his fault." They kneel to place him in a bag once more.
***
Kemadov manages to pull the ring fastening him to the wall out of the wall.
***
Mildred is reading her book and hears strange groaning noises coming from the grate in the wall. She's frightened, thinking it's Sir Dennis. Getting out of bed, she yells, "Sir Dennis! Oh, Sir Dennis!" She leaves her room.
***
Laura runs from the castle as Daniel bends over the open trunk of Marissa's car. "Just a minute, Mr. Chalmers. Leaving so soon?"
Daniel glances away, then tells her, "I thought I'd take a midnight cruise."
"In the trunk?" she asks, then closes the back of the car, taking the key. "You were planning on leaving without telling him, weren't you?"
"I really wish you wouldn't concern yourself with this."
"Well I am concerned. Damn concerned. Your problem will be solved one way or the other. I'll be the one stuck living with the secret."
"Delicately put, Laura," he points out.
"Go ahead and make your jokes. But it isn't fair to Mr. Steele and it isn't fair to me."
"You're right," he agrees suddenly. "It's time for the truth," and he turns toward the house, resolute. Laura follows a moment later, as Marissa waits, huddled on the other side of another car with Tony.
Daniel knocks on the drawing room door as Laura stands nearby. Steele opens the door. "Ah, Daniel."
"Harry, my boy, I've something to tell you."
"Come in," Steele says, and leaves the doorway.
Daniel holds out his hand to Laura. She places the car key into it, and then Daniel enters the room with Steele, closing the door behind him.
***
Mildred and Mickeline are walking in the hall toward the cellar as he tells her, "It was a terrible, terrible occurrence, the last time a man saw the ghost of Ashford Castle. 1939, it was. Oh, terrible carnage, I remember. Bodies strewn all over the place."
"You mean it was multiple murders?" a nervous Mildred asks.
"Multiple hangovers. Some people claimed it was the whiskey that did it. I meself think it was the rum."
They're near the room where Kemadov is stashed. "Well, what does that have to do with the ghost of Sir Dennis?" Mildred wonders.
"Well, that's the mystery of it, y'see, madam."
They enter the cellar. "The furnace room," he tells her. "The noisy beast has scared the livin daylights outa me since time immemorial." They turn the corner and gasp in horror.
***
Laura is pacing outside the drawing room when Steele opens the door and comes out. He's teary eyed and solemn. Daniel is walking away via the door across the room. "I'm so sorry," she tells him, touching his arm.
He shakes his head. "Oh, it's all so tragic."
Laura nods. "Death always is."
Steele wipes away the tears. "Ah, poor Daniel. He loved that dog so much."
Laura's on alert. "What dog?"
"Montague," Steele tells her. "His cocker spaniel."
Laura realizes she's been had. "You mean to tell me you have been in there talking about a cocker spaniel named Montague?"
He nods. "And what a little cocker he was, too."
"Where is he?" she asks, heading toward the other door.
"He's in the garden, Laura," Steele tells her. "He's, uh, composing himself."
She hears a car start and looks out of the window. "Why that- that- that- Ooooh!" she takes off.
"Really, Laura," Steele calls after her. "It's only a dog." He notices the time and takes off.
***
Steele approaches Kemadov, who looks like he's still fastened to the wall. Rubbing his hands, Steele says, "Brr. Gets a tad brisk down here, doesn't it? Gets even worse as the night wears on, of course. If it were up to me, I'd let you go. You know that, don't you? But, well, Antony, he's young- a very determined young man-" he hears noises coming from around the corner and goes to investigate. He finds Mildred and Mickeline tied and gagged, sitting on the floor. Before he can turn around again, Kemadov drops the chain around his neck and tugs, choking Steele.
***
The next morning, Steele is still feeling the effects of being choked as Mildred brings him some water. "So who was this guy anyway, Boss? And what was he doing in chains?"
"Uh, he was - uh, the furnace repairman. He tried to overcharge me." Mildred isn't buying it. "I had to rough him up a bit."
"Chief."
"Please, Mildred. Trust me on this one. Just trust me. Oh, by the way, I think I found out who we can dump this white elephant on."
"Who?"
"Yeah. I'll give it to the government."
"Uh huh," she says, and something in her tone makes him stop as he's about to take another drink of water.
"Why not?"
"It's been tried before," she tells him. "In 1635, 1767, and 1889."
"Zero for three?"
"You got it."
Mickeline bursts in. "I beg your pardon, your lordship, but I've just had a report from the entire staff, who searched the entire castle for Mr. Roselli-,"
"Yeah?"
"And search they did, now, from room to room," Steele tries to hurry him along. "Front to back, top to bottom-"
"Did they find him?"
"Not a trace."
"Kemadov," Steele decides.
"Furnace repairman?" Mildred questions.
"Mickeline, have Terrence bring the car around front," Steele tells him.
"It's been done as we speak," Mickeline promises, running out.
Steele stands up. He turns to Mildred to explain. "He was the- never mind."
Mildred stands there, confused.
****
Laura watches from a parked car as two Russian guards carry the bundle from the back of Marissa's car into the Embassy. Daniel and Marissa follow them.
Laura gets out of the car and puts her badge from the day before on her sweater, then heads toward the building as well.
Inside, Nicholai greets Daniel and Marissa. "Third Secretary Petrossian. How may I help you?"
"We told the guard we'd like to see Secretary Kemadov," Daniel informs him.
"I am afraid this is impossible. Secretary Kemadov is- indisposed at the moment."
Marissa steps closer to him. "If you would be kind enough to tell the Secretary that Miss Peters and Mr. Chalmers are here on urgent business, I'm certain he would want to see us."
"What precisely is this urgent business?" Petrossian asks.
"The Secretary will know what it concerns," Daniel tells him.
"Secretary Kemadov is in conference and *cannot* be disturbed. You may, however, try tomorrow. Good day." He leaves them
Daniel starts coughing. "That doesn't sound good," Marissa comments.
"A nagging cold," he lies. "I can't seem to shake it. He's hiding something," he says about Petrossian.
"Do you suppose Kemadov is avoiding me because he's found out my father's dead?"
"You're close to your father, aren't you?" he asks her.
She laughs. "The last time I saw my father, we were arguing about where we should eat. We were always arguing about everything. We never got along." She sighs. "I don't want it to end on that note."
The doors open, and a bruised and muddy Kemadov enters the room. "Kemadov," Marissa says, surprised.
"Must have been quite a conference," Daniel mutters.
"Where have you been?" she asks.
Kemadov looks embarrassed. "Well, I was- um, I took a walk and got lost and fell into a bog," he says, laughing. "Why are you here?"
"The same reason we were here last time," Daniel tells him.
"Roselli?"
"Damn right, Roselli," Marissa says. "What is it with you people, anyway? We go to all the trouble to bring in your agent, and you turn around and let him go."
"It does seem rather sloppy of you, old boy," Daniel agrees.
"No matter. The bargain is still the same. You find Roselli, I find your father."
"You'd better put your rubles where your mouth is, comrade," Marissa says. "Roselli is upstairs in the same room that we left him in-last time."
Laura is pretending to dust a statue as a guard passes by. Once he's gone, she rushes to the door of the room where they put the bag. It's unlocked this time, and she goes inside. Closing the door, she goes to the bag and opens it. Laura gasps.
Tony's head falls to the floor- hard. His eyes widen when he sees her.
Kemadov, Marissa, and Daniel are coming upstairs. When they enter the room and find the empty bag, Marissa cries, "He's gone!"
"They certainly don't make gunny sacks the way they used to," Daniel comments wryly.
Kemadov is angry. "Having a little sport at the expense of the Russian bear, comrades?" he asks.
"He was here five minutes ago," Marissa insists.
"This sort of jest won't help you secure information about your father, Miss Peters!"
"He's probably still on the grounds!" she points out.
"Guards!" Kemadov yells, leaving the room.
***
Petrossian is in another part of the Embassy with Steele, asking, "Who are you?"
"I was a guest at your little soiree last night," Steele tells him, showing him the invitation. "Your people certainly know how to put away the vodka, don't they?"
"What are you doing here?"
"Believe it or not, actually, I lost my lighter. Perhaps you've seen it? It's a little gold lighter about this size," he says, bending to look under the furniture. "I was given it by my great-grandmother, who inherited it from her Greek uncle. She was a-"
"Wait here," Petrossian tells him. He tells the guard something in Russian and then leaves. The guard gets a better grip on his rifle.
Steele glances at the guard, then bends at the waist as before. "Where would that lighter be, hmm?" he asks aloud, then points to a sofa behind the guard. "Oh, it's right under there. You see?" The guard turns and bends to look. "By the leg. See that?" When the guard's back is turned, Steele hits him, knocking him out. (Yet another Bond moment here.) He walks out of the room.
Laura and Tony are running through the grounds of the Embassy, looking behind them for signs of pursuit. They get to the fence, and Tony starts climbing it as Laura waits impatiently. He gets to the top. "Grab a hand," he tells her, and she does, letting him help her up.
Daniel runs up. "What on earth are you doing?" he asks Laura. "That man's a Russian agent. You could get yourself killed!"
Laura lets go of Tony's hand and comes back to the ground. Tony glares at Daniel. "Not if you keep your trap shut, pal," he warns. "Come on, Laura."
"You go ahead," she tells him, waving him off. "I'll catch up."
"Come on. I'm not leaving you here!"
"They're not after me, they're after you," she reminds him. "Besides, I've got unfinished business here. Go!"
Tony reluctantly goes over the wall, and Laura goes over to Daniel. "You realize, young woman, that you've developed an infallible knack for upsetting my plans over the years?" he asks her.
"You're a coward," she accuses. "You say you want to spend your last days with your son, and then you lie to his face."
"Laura, believe me, it's not what you-"
"I don't care what scam you're involved in this time, Mr. Chalmers," she says. "Your charm doesn't work on me. You've made your choice, and you know something? I think you've made the right one. I'm glad you haven't told Mr. Steele the truth. He's better off imagining the strong father he deserves than finding out he's the son of a cowardly con artist. Rest in peace," she tells him, then scales the wall without a backward glance.
Daniel watches her go, a pained, yet thoughtful expression on his face.
***
Steele enters the room where he last found Tony, and picks up the empty bag as Petrossian bursts in with the guard. "Ah, there you are. I've been looking all over for you. Sorry about the beaning, old chap, that lighter meant a great deal to me."
"You can't possibly be as stupid as you appear," Petrossian declares, pushing him against the wall. "Which means you are far too clever for your own good!"
"Steady now," Steele says. "What about diplomatic immunity, eh?" Petrossian hits him in the stomach. Steele grabs the smaller man's lapels. "You son of a-"
Petrossian tells the guard, "Esli budet rypatsja- strelyaj," and Steele finds his face full of the man's rifle. "Do you understand Russian, my friend?" he asks Steele, and pulls himself free of Steele's hold.
"Just enough to get by in the better restaurants," Steele says. "Weren't ordering a portion of borscht, were you by any chance, were you?"
Petrossian hits him on the jaw. "Remain very still, English, or they'll be holding diplomatic funeral for you." He forces Steele against the wall face first, and searches his pockets as Kemadov comes in.
"Secretary Kemadov," Petrossian says, leaving Steele to go to him. "What a surprise. You look terrible."
"I took a walk," Kemadov tells him. "I got lost and fell into a bog," he says, eyeing Steele as he tells the lie.
Steele grins. "Yes, well, the bogs of Dublin can be rather- incapacitating," he agrees.
"Yes," Kemadov says. "Everybody should watch their step. And who are you?"
"I was just beginning to find out, Secretary," Petrossian explains.
"I just popped in to find my missing lighter," Steele tells Kemadov. "Perhaps you've seen it? Collector's item. Of Italian descent. It's got a little blemish on the side, looks rather like a mole."
"This is the worst answer since Eisenhower said 'U2? What U2?'," Petrossian declares.
"I will handle the interrogation now, Nicholai," Kemadov tells him. "You have been most diligent."
"You are not in the best condition, Secretary. You should lie down and recover from your- accident."
"I said I will handle it," Kemadov says firmly. Petrossian backs down. Kemadov tells Steele, "I believe somebody may have already recovered your- lighter."
"I see. Yes. Well, in that case, I'll take my leave," he says, taking his hands from the wall and turning around. The guard is on alert. "Perhaps next time I can repay the hospitality."
Kemadov signals the guard as Steele steps away from the wall. "This is Russian territory, my friend," Kemadov reminds him. "You go when I say you can go. Please sit. I'll have some of our famous Russian tea sent in." Steele sits down, frustration written on his face. "It is - how you say- a 'taste sensation'?"
***
Laura is wandering the streets of Dublin, looking for Tony, when he grabs her arm and pulls her into an alley with him, keeping his arms around her. She pushes away from him. "What were you doing in that gunnysack?" she asks.
"What were you doing in that Embassy?" he counters.
"Following the gunnysack."
"Why?"
"Because Daniel had it."
"Who's Daniel?"
"Nobody important," she says angrily.
"He's pretty important to me," he tells her. "That's the second time I've been blindsided. And when I get- He's using me. He's using me to make some sort of deal with Kemadov."
"Who is Kemadov?" Laura asks.
"The only chance I've got to clear my name. Look, Laura, I'm no traitor. I was set up by the real traitor, a guy named Fitch. Now, if Fitch gets to Kemadov before I get to Kemadov, I'll die a traitor."
Laura looks away, then back at him. "Sounds as if you should have stuck to archeology," she tells him, and moves away to walk down the street.
Tony joins her, putting his arm around her. "Yeah, well, I'd give anything to be playing Tarzan and Jane with you again," he says, a smirk on his face.
"What are you going to do?" Laura asks, ignoring his statement.
Tony removes his arms. "I still need Kemadov," he tells her. "But if I try and get into the Embassy, I'm probably gonna be shot."
"I can get in." Laura pulls the ID out of her pocket.
Tony looks tempted, then shakes his head. "No. No way. I can't ask you to risk it."
"Risk what? Who do you think just helped you escape, Houdini?"
He laughs, and then gives her a kiss, which she returns, then ends, to fidget with her beret.
"You're confusing me," she tells him.
"That's good, isn't it?" he asks.
"No. No, it's- it's not," she says, and moves away.
Tony follows her. "I know your marriage is phony," he tells her. "But phony or not, I wouldn't get in the way if Steele's the one you really want."
"What do you want me to say?" she asks him.
"Say there's no juice," he says, walking backwards as he looks at her. "Say there's no spark between us and I'll- step aside."
"All right, there isn't. There's no juice, no spark, no embers, no- anything," she insists.
Tony grabs her arm to stop her. "I don't believe you. I don't believe you don't feel something for me."
She looks at him. "Alright, I do. Are you happy?"
He smiles. "Yeah."
Laura sighs in frustration. "Oh, maybe a year or so ago, if we would have met then, -things would have been different. It's taken four years for Mr. Steele and me to get this close. Four years of us *trying* to get this close. I can't pull back now," she tells him. "Do you understand?"
"Sure," he says with a smile. "But that doesn't mean I'm gonna quit trying." He puts a hand to her back and they continue down the street.
***
At the Embassy, Marissa and Kemadov are having tea. "Where is your Mr. Chalmers?" he asks her.
"I'm not sure exactly," she says. "He seems to have disappeared."
"No matter. You don't need him to locate Roselli."
Marissa puts her cup into its saucer. "How many times do I have to bring you Roselli before you get me information on my father?"
"As many times as it takes."
"You're asking a lot."
"You want a lot," he counters.
"But *I* have kept my end of the bargain twice. It's time for you to ante up. Where is my father?"
"First Roselli," Kemadov insists.
Marissa is angry, and stands up. "I don't work for free anymore," she tells him, and goes to the door, only to stop as he speaks again.
"Your father is alive." She turns to look at him. "It is true. I found out yesterday."
"Where is he?" she asks.
"I don't know. That is also true. I promise to find out, of course, if you, uh-"
"All right," she agrees. "On one condition. That you tell me where my father is as soon as Roselli is delivered to you. I don't want to get burned if he slips through your fingers again."
"You just worry about delivery."
"It may take me some time. I have to track him down again."
"I have the hound that might lead you to him," Kemadov tells her. "All you have to do is unleash him."
Marissa looks confused.
"He's upstairs. Waiting for his Russian tea."
***
The guard stands beside the door, watching Steele. Someone knocks at the door, and he opens it. Marissa is there, carrying a tea tray. She enters the room and carries it over to where Steele is sitting. "I brought you some Russian tea," she tells him in an accent.
"A Swedish Countess bringing Russian tea? And here I thought your country was neutral," he comments as she pours. "Much like your accent."
"I'm came to help you escape," she whispers.
"Tea that bad, is it?"
She looks up at him and hands him his cup. "You're not the only one who's in trouble with Kemadov. So is Daniel."
"Daniel?" Steele's interest is caught. "What kind of trouble?" he asks.
"I'm not sure, but he needs your help," she says, still speaking in a soft voice as she sits on the table close to him with her own tea.
"Oh, I see. So you're doing this for Daniel, not for me."
"You're a tough man to rescue, Mr. Steele."
He glances over at the guard. "I just don't want to find myself jumping out of the frying pan into the fire."
"There's only one way to find out," she tells him, and "accidentally" spills tea on her skirt and leaps to her feet, gasping.
"That's okay," Steele assures her, standing up and bending over to pick up the mess. The guard moves closer- behind an arm chair, threatening. "Don't worry." Steele spreads his hands, then leaps across to the chair, tipping it back to pin the guard against he wall. He sends a right to the guards' jaw, knocking him unconscious, then winces as he gets out the chair, shaking his aching hand. "Ouch."
"Is that yes?" Marissa asks.
"Let's just say I never look a gift horse in the mouth." He follows her from the room and downstairs.
The guard recovers quickly and runs down the stairs after them, raising his rifle as they leave. Kemadov stops the guard, pushing the rifle down. "Nyet." He pats the confused guard on the shoulder. The guard moves away, but Kemadov's attention is caught by the sound of something breaking in the hallway.
Laura is kneeling beside a piece of broken statuary. "Oh!" she cries, looking terrified.
"You clumsy idiot!" he declares, and motions for her to move out of the way. "Get out!"
When he kneels beside the mess, Laura grabs a broom from the rolling hamper behind her and cracks him over the head with it. She pulls a gunnysack from the hamper and starts stuffing him inside it.
***
Fitch arrives at the Dublin airport and gets into a red taxi. As he reads his paper, he asks the driver, "Tell me about Secretary Kemadov."
Petrossian is the driver, and informs him, "He is up to something. I am sure of it. He was gone all last night- with some foolish excuse about falling into a bog."
"Do you suppose he's making arrangements to defect?" Fitch asks.
"He has been meeting with many very suspicious Westerners lately. Allows them to roam free through the Embassy, as though it was some Holiday Inn."
"Do you suppose he's made contact with Roselli?"
"May be."
"Comrade Kemadov carries a great many secrets around with him. Not the least of which is my service to your country. It wouldn't do to have him share that little indiscretion with our American cousins. After all, I have a pension to think about."
***
Laura is waiting outside the Embassy with Kemadov secured in the gunnysack when Tony drives up in a car. "Good work," he tells her.
"I always had to take the trash out when I was a kid," she says, looking behind her. Tony unlocks the trunk, and they put the sack inside. They take off, passing Fitch and Petrossian in the taxi.
"Roselli!" Fitch declares. "Get after him!"
Petrossian makes a u-turn and follows.
***
Marissa and Steele return to the castle and meet Mickeline on the stairs. "Ah, Mickeline, my good man. I need you to launch another one of your full scale searches."
"And who might the object be this time, your lordship?" he asks.
"The same one we didn't find last time."
"Mr. Roselli, is it? I'll round up the staff and we'll search every inch of the castle. Room to room, top to bottom-"
"Yes, yes, yes," Steele says, stopping him. "Thank you very much, Mickeline. Just go, will you?" Mickeline takes off. Steele tells Marissa, "I hope you don't mind, but before we let go with Daniel, I have to find someone. He's a curly-haired gentleman, rather Italian looking, with a dimple in his chin."
"Well, I'd be happy to help if it will speed things along," Marissa offers.
"Thank you very much. Would you take the basement?" As she turns away, he continues upstairs, entering his bedroom discover Daniel sitting there before the fire, a glass of brandy in his hand. "Daniel."
"Harry. Where've you been?"
"Escaping from the Soviet Embassy with the help of your Swedish- uh, what do you call it- Countess," he explains coming into the room.
"Yes, Marissa has a definite flair for international relations," Daniel agrees.
"What seems to be going on?" Steele asks him.
"She's looking for her father," Daniel tells him. "A task that's painfully familiar to you." Steele studies him as Daniel lifts the snifter for a drink. "However- " Daniel takes the drink, then stands up. "There's another- game," he admits, going toward the window. "A dry and droll one, which doesn't concern the Countess. Or the Russians." He looks nervous, and covers it with a laugh. "Do you remember when first we met? You were all of- what?- fourteen? You tried to pick my pocket."
"I *did* pick your pocket."
Daniel laughs again. "I saw right then you had a rare talent. A bit- unrefined, perhaps, but a talent, nonetheless."
"Well, you certainly polished it," Steele admits in a fond tone.
Daniel nods, then turns back to the window. "In all the years we've known each other, I've never told you about the most exquisite lady ever to grace my life. What she saw in me, I'll never know. Unfortunately, I was too young to- seize what might so easily have been mine," he confides, still looking away from Steele. "Instead, I tried to pull off the most- wildly ambitious caper- and went to prison instead." He finally turns to look at Steele, who's just standing there, listening and watching. "While I was incarcerated, I learned she was with child. My child. She died giving birth," he says, putting his glass down. "The baby was -put up for adoption. By the time I was released, I had no idea where he was." Steele looks as if he might be putting things together, but remains quiet as Daniel continues. "I wandered around, several years. Aimlessly, really. Then one day, I suddenly realized I desperately wanted to find my son."
Finally, Steele speaks. "And, uh- did you find him?"
"Eventually," Daniel admits. He puts a hand into his pocket. "Do you remember when you told the Earl you suspected that your - real father had stolen this watch?" he asks, holding the pocket watch out between them. Steele takes it. "You were right, Harry."
Steele grasps the watch, and stares at Daniel- then smiles and starts to laugh- a bit nervously, as if he doesn't want to face the truth. "Come on, Daniel. What're you playing at?"
With a brave front, Daniel tells him, "I'm afraid you can stop looking for your father."
Steele's smile and laughter vanishes. "Why didn't you tell me this twenty years ago?" he asks.
"I wanted to," Daniel says. "Believe me. A hundred times over. But- by the time I found you, you'd built up so much hatred against your father- that- I thought it best to be your mentor instead."
Teeth clenched in anger, Steele says, "And why now?"
"Let's just say it's time."
"Oh, time. Oh, time, is it? Really? Time. After twenty years, you suddenly decide it's time?" Steele loses his temper, yelling. "Who the bloody hell do you think you are to come waltzing in here and say to me after twenty years, 'Here, my boy, here I am. I am your father, I have lived an aimless life, here's the watch-' You selfish -" He's livid. His tone moderates and then rises again as he continues. "For twenty years, I've tried to imagine who you are, where you were, what you did, were you alive, were you breathing, and all that time, you were standing there in the flesh and blood, right beside me! My God!" He tosses the watch at Daniel, who remains unmoving. He doesn't even flinch. "Here," Steele says. "You take your watch. I don't want your watch." The watch begins to play.
He leaves the room.
Daniel stands there, rooted to the spot, his worst fears realized, as the watch continues to play.
***
Later, Steele is walking by the lake when Mildred finds him. "Boss! Boss! Wait a minute," she says, running to catch up to him when he doesn't stop or acknowledge her. "Everyone's been looking for you," she tells him when he stops. "And Tony can't be found anywhere. Although if you ask me, I think that's just swell. Oh, that bozo. Boy, he's got some nerve. Do you know that he-" she realizes that he's not listening to her. "Boss? You okay?"
He nods. "Hm hum," he says. "Couldn't be better," he tells her. "I've just had a birthday."
"Come again?"
"My father breezed into my life."
"Your father?"
"Gave me a sad story and a gold watch."
"Who?"
"I liked the gold watch better, actually," he says.
"For cryin' out loud, who are we talking about?"
"Daniel," Steele says.
"Daniel-" her eyes widen. "Daniel Chalmers? Are you sure?"
"Mildred, of course I'm sure. Why are we having this stupid conversation? Why don't you just go back and look for Antony, okay?"
"Why aren't you jumping for joy and passing out cigars?" she asks. "I mean, this is great news, isn't it?"
"Oh, yeah, it's great," he says, sounding as if it's anything but. "It's really great news indeed," he says again as he turns to walk toward the water's edge. "I mean, a little late, but it's great news.
Mildred follows him, watching as he chews on his lower lip. "You're right," she finally says. "He deserted you. He walked out. He left you high and dry when you needed him the most. He's probably got some stupid story about why he did it- but he did it- and that's what counts." He doesn't respond, so she continues. "So he came back. So what? Uh-uh. No. It's too late, I say. You've gone this long without a father- Hell, you can go the rest of your life without needing him. The little bum, who does he think he is, wanting his son back after all these years. Oh, no. Make him pay, kiddo. Make him pay. He deserves it." Steele starts walking again, still unresponsive. Mildred grabs his arm. "Oh, Boss. Boss. Hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute." He stops and looks at her. "Is this the way you want it to go down?" she asks.
He looks uncertain.
***
Back inside the castle, Steele goes to the open door of Daniel's room and stands in the doorway, watching Daniel pack his suitcase. He's coughing, Steele turns back, not sure he's ready to do this, then stops, stands there thinking, and goes back into the room.
"I remember the first time you bought that suit," he says, and Daniel turns around, a relieved smile starting to form. "You used it to con that poor salesman into flying you all around the states. Gratis."
"Ah, but it was my faithful servant who reassured the hapless fellow that I was thinking of purchasing the plane."
"The fuel costs alone must have been astronomical," Steele comments.
"What about the time we parted that loathsome limey-"
"Hoskins," Steele reminds him.
"Hoskins. From his ill-gotten gains?"
"Not only that, but we proved he was a murderer to boot," Steele adds.
"By my untimely death, if memory serves me."
Steele moves closer as they walk down memory lane. "Do you remember the time you posed as a colonel in the Royal Hussars? Do you remember that one?"
"What about the time that you passed yourself off as the heir to a Duke's fortune?"
"Or you as an ambassador?"
"Or you as a prince?"
"Or you- oh, never mind. There're too many. Too many." He smiles at Daniel.
"Oh, Harry," Daniel sighs.
Suddenly they embrace, and Steele laughs. "Oh, dear, dear, dear me," Steele says as they part. "We've really shared some good times, haven't we?"
"The best," Daniel agrees.
"I've always thought of you as the father I never really had," he admits.
Daniel's smile fades slightly. "Well, I believe this- calls for a toast," he tells Steele, hiding his wince of pain as he turns away toward a chair, while Steele turns to find the bar.
"Where is the wet stuff?" he asks, then finds it. "There it is." He pulls the glasses closer and picks up the bottle. "Uh, now that the cat's out of the bag, uh, perhaps there's something you can finally tell me." He chuckles. "Lord knows Laura's been bothering me enough all these years-anyway, what I'd like to know is-" he picks up the glasses and carries them over to the chair where Daniel is sitting, holding one out. "What's my real name?" Daniel's eyes are closed, and he doesn't respond. "Daniel?" Steele realizes he's dead, and lowers his hand, staring at his father.
Laura enters the room and realizes what's happened. Steele looks at her and she goes to sit beside him, her hand on his shoulder in a comforting gesture.
Mickeline comes to the door. "Sorry t'barge in on your lordship, and I wouldn't have intruded unless it was important- but there's a man deliverin' caskets downstairs."
Steele glances at Daniel's body. "Caskets?" Laura asks.
"By the hundreds!" Mickeline declares.
***
Tony and Kemadov are downstairs. Tony pushes him into a chair. Kemadov tells him, "Do me a favor, Roselli. Next time you want to capture me, just ask."
"There won't be a next time, Kemadov. You won't be going anywhere until you give me Fitch." He sits down in another chair. "So, you might as well get comfortable."
"In that case, perhaps I could have a drink."
"What would you like?" Tony asks, indicating the bar behind them.
"A Black Russian," he says.
***
Steele and Laura follow Mickeline into a room where two men wait with three caskets. "Just as I told you, your lordship," Mickeline points out. "Caskets comin' outa your ears."
"Are you sure you have the right castle?" Laura asks one of the deliverymen.
"Beggin' your pardon, ma'am, but how many Ashford Castles do ya think there are, now?"
"Who ordered them?" Steele asks.
The delivery man hands him the bill. "A gentleman by the name of Daniel Chalmers."
"Daniel," Laura says sadly.
Steele looks at the bill. "Well, it's certainly his signature."
"Why would he order three?" Laura wonders.
Steele looks at them, thoughtful.
***
Tony lifts his bottle of beer toward Kemadov. "To détente," he says.
Kemadov puts his glass onto the table in disapproval and stands up. "Not in my lifetime, my friend. I am a loyal communist. You can threaten me, beat me-"
Tony smiles. "Sounds like fun."
"But I will not betray Comrade Fitch!"
The door opens as Petrossian and Fitch burst in. "Traitor!" Petrossian accuses.
"No, wait!" Kemadov insists as Fitch pulls a gun and shoots at him.
Tony pushes Kemadov into a chair, then pushes Petrossian into Fitch, causing him to miss. Tony leaves the room with Fitch close behind.
"Moscow shall hear of your treachery," Petrossian promises Kemadov, and takes off.
Kemadov yells, "Wait! I can explain everything!" and follows him.
Downstairs, Laura, Steele, and Mickeline hear gunshots, and Mickeline comments. "Looks like we may need all the caskets yet."
Steele and Laura go to investigate.
Kemadov chase Petrossian out of the house as the other man gets into the red taxi, and yells at him. As the taxi pulls away, Marissa hits Kemadov on the head with a shovel. She helps him up. "Sorry, Kemadov, but I had to do it."
"You! You idiot!" he tells her. "Do you realize what you have done? Petrossian will tell the KGB I'm a traitor!"
She shrugs. "Then perhaps you should consider defecting."
"Thanks to you, I have no other choice now."
"Well, I couldn't let you get away without finding out where my father is."
"How do you expect me to find out if I am defecting?" he asks.
"You mean you still don't know?"
"No! Every time I went to check, somebody hit me over the head!"
Marissa looks upset.
The police pull up in front of the castle, and Kemadov runs up to Inspector O'Brien. "I want to defect!" he yells.
"This used t'be such a peaceful village," the Inspector says. "Before all these damn foreigners came pokin' about." He continues on his way, ignoring Kemadov, who looks confused.
Laura, Steele and Mildred meet in the entry way. "Did you find anything?" he asks Laura.
"Bullet holes in the parlour," she says.
"What's going on?" Mildred asks.
The Inspector and his men come in. "I'm sorry to intrude, your lordship, but an eyewitness saw Tony Roselli drivin' the same car that's sittin' out front."
"Well, my castle is your castle," Steele tells him.
"McMurphy, come with me," the Inspector says. "You two, upstairs."
Laura says quietly to Steele, "I don't mean to alarm you, but Tony is here."
"He is? Well, he's a pro. I'm sure he can handle himself." Laura looks up at him.
***
Tony is running from Fitch near the lake. Fitch is shooting at him. Tony dives off the end of a pier, and Fitch runs out to wait for him to surface. Suddenly a power boat speeds out of the boat house, startling Fitch. He fires at it, but there's no one behind the wheel.
"Hey, Fitch!" Tony calls from behind him, and when he turns around, Tony hits the older man, sending him into the water. Tony starts to leave him there to drown, then goes back and jumps in to pull him out.
***
Steele, Laura, and Mildred enter the room where the caskets are. Kemadov and Marissa are there as well. Mickeline tells Steele, "We've stumbled across some pertinent information your lordship, about Mr. Chalmers' overabundance of caskets. And pertinent it certainly is-"
Steele lifts his hand to silence the little Irishman. "Mickeline!"
"Oh, sorry." He nods toward Marissa. "Madam?"
"All I know is that they're a part of a plan Daniel had to smuggle my father through the Iron Curtain. He said he was just waiting on a body."
"Three caskets and a body," Mildred says out loud. "What could his plan possibly be?" she wonders.
Steele claps his hands as a light comes on. "Of course! It's' the oldest con in the world! The shell game," he says.
"Shell game, your lordship?" Mickeline asks.
"Three shells and pea," Steele explains. "The object of the game is to keep the shells moving around so that the player loses track of which shell the pea is under."
"But how do you get to three shells and a pea," Mildred asks him, "to three caskets and a body?"
"It's the same principle," Laura tells her. "Daniel was planning to ship his body- and the caskets to wherever her father was waiting."
"Leavin' the authorities totally confused for long enough for her father to make the switch and smuggle himself back to the West in the same casket that Daniel arrived in." He looks up. "Ah, Daniel, you've outdone yourself again."
The delivery man looks at him. "How did he figure that out?"
"Like father like son," Laura says.
"It's a clever plan," Kemadov tells him. "But it's a useless one."
"He's right. We don't know where my father is," Marissa tells them.
A dripping Tony comes in. "Tony! What happened to you?" Laura asks.
"I got Fitch tied up in the boathouse," he explains. "This place is crawling with cops," he says, looking at Kemadov. "You've gotta help me get him out of here. Come on."
"Mr. Steele!" the Inspector calls. "I'd like a quick word with you!"
Steele looks at Laura and Mildred. Laura points to a coffin and tells Tony, "Quick! In here!" Steele lifts the lid as Tony gets in.
"I can't find Mr. Roselli anywhere," the inspector declares, entering the room.
"That's interesting," Steele says, "You don't suppose he might be in one of these, do you? Hmm?"
As Laura looks at Steele, angry at his giving Tony up so easily, the Inspector opens the casket. Tony grabs for Steele, but he steps back. "Are you outa your mind, Steele?" he asks as they pull him out of the casket. He tries to get to Steele again, but the police man and the Inspector hold him back.
"You're a loyal son of Erin, Mr. Steele," the Inspector tells him.
"He's a loyal son of something all right," Laura agrees angrily as they pull Tony out of the room. Mildred is smiling. "How could you do that?" Laura asks him.
"We didn't have enough caskets to go 'round," he tells her. "Forgive me, Marissa, but I don't quite know how I'm gonna get your father back."
"Don't worry about me. I wouldn't be able to find my father in time to make Daniel's plan work, anyway. Do what you have to do."
"What have you got up our sleeve, boss?" Mildred asks.
"If we're to clear Antony, we have to get Comrade Kemadov there to the States, and Fitch to London."
"So Kemadov can expose Fitch," Laura says.
"Precisely."
"Good luck," Kemadov tells them. "We wouldn't make it alive."
Laura goes to the Russian. "Which is exactly why Mr. Steele's idea is to kill you."
Kemadov looks alarmed. "Merely expanding on Daniel's original plan," Steele assures him. "We'll take all three," he tells the deliverymen, then leaves the room.
***
Later, a coffin arrives in the States. A soldier opens it to reveal Kemadov, wearing an oxygen mask. He sits up, smiling, and says, "I love baseball."
***
In London, a similar scene unfolds- only this time it's Fitch in the casket, wearing the mask. He blinks as the officer said, "Welcome home, Mr. Fitch."
***
And in Russia, two men stand beside the third coffin. They open it to find Daniel's body. He's smiling. "This is not Secretary Kemadov," one of the guards declares.
"Incredible mistake," the other one says. "Or he defected."
"But he is to be buried as a national hero tomorrow. What we go?"
"Seal the casket."
"Nyet!"
"Do you want to tell the Kremlin their national hero defected?"
The first man closes the casket.
***
Steele and Laura are watching coverage of a funeral on TV.
"In London, a military funeral was held today for the man
who spearheaded the exposure- and subsequent capture-of British
Intelligence double agent, Sterling Fitch. In gratitude for his
heroics, Daniel Chalmers was posthumously knighted." Laura,
her head in Steele's lap, smiles.
"In a related ceremony in Moscow, a high ranking KGB official,
Sergei Kemadov, was given a hero's burial, for what the Kremlin
ambiguously described as 'assorted heroic activities on behalf
of the state'." Laura's smile widens.
Steele turns the TV off. "Only Daniel could end up being buried as a national hero in both London and Moscow," Laura tells Steele.
He nods. "It's the ultimate con. He deserves nothing less."
Laura places her hand over his. "You're a good son."
Steele laughs slightly. "I only wish I could have spent more time with him."
"On the other hand," Laura points out, "You spent twenty years with him."
"Yeah." He tosses the remote away and puts both arms around her, looking at her. "Well, one thing's for certain. I'm not going to waste precious time showing people who are close to me how I feel for them." They kiss.
Laura gracefully rises from the love seat and holds out her hand. "Care to elaborate, Mr. Steele?" she asks.
"Well," he says, standing up to lift her into his arms. "We have the castle to ourselves- Mrs. Steele."
She looks around as he carries her toward the stairs. "Where are the servants?"
"Out celebrating," he tells her. "I decided to give them the castle."
"Hmm. That was awfully generous of your lordship."
"The act of a desperate lord, I assure you."
"Where's Mildred?"
"I decided to give her Mickeline."
"There's nothing between us and the bedroom door?" she asks as he pauses at the bottom of the stairs.
"Uh uh," he says- only to have the phone start to ring.
Laura slips out of his arms and straightens his collar. "I'll get the phone. You turn down the covers." She gives him a light kiss.
"Hmm hmm." He pretends to shoot the phone as he continues upstairs.
Laura picks up the phone. "Hello?"
"Well," Tony tells her, "they finally released me."
"I never doubted it for a moment." She smiles as she looks up the stairs.
"I still think Steele's plan was a little risky."
"Kemadov cleared you, didn't he?" she asks.
"Laura, listen, what we talked about earlier- still stands."
"Laura!" Steele calls from the bedroom.
"This really isn't the best time to discuss that, Tony," she says.
"Laura, I'm not gonna give up on you."
"Laura! The bed's turned down!"
"I have to go," Laura tells Tony. "Right now."
"Okay, when can I see you?"
"Fluffing up pillows!" Steele calls.
"Coming!" Laura calls back. "I gotta go. Bye!" She hangs up and starts upstairs, meeting Steele as he's coming to find her. The phone starts to ring again. They look at it. "Let it ring," Laura tells him, putting her arms around his neck. They kiss, and she jumps into his arms. He carries her up the remaining stairs toward their room. The phone stops ringing.
They enter the bedroom, and Steele lowers Laura's legs so that she's standing before him, her arms around him, his around her. They gaze into each other's eyes.
Outside, the light goes off in the master bedroom- and the phone begins to ring once again…
The End