Steele Searching Part II
Transcribed from the episode written by:
Michael Gleason

A car drives into a remote, apparently deserted group of buildings and stops. The driver and another man open the back doors for Felicia and Steele as two more men appear, each carrying a rifle.

They escort the pair into a cluttered little room. "Wait here," one of them says, then closes the door.

Steele looks around the room, then turns to Felicia. "Who are they?" he asks.

She looks out of the window, shrugs. "New friends."

"What's all this gibberish about my killing the Earl of Claridge?" he asks, looking at her intensely.

She smiles and comes toward him, obviously intending to try and divert his attention and anger. "Aren't you even going to thank me for saving your life?" she asks, placing her hands on his chest.

Steele grabs her wrists and pulls her close. "I didn't know it was in danger. I want some answers, Felicia. And you can begin by telling me why you set the coppers on me."

"They were coming back," she explains.


"Hawkins and Blore. They were already suspicious of me. If they'd found out that you were the great detective Remington Steele, it would have been over for both of us." He releases her. She straightens her coat. "As it is, they saw you make your unceremonious exit from my flat, so naturally they wanted to know who you were and why Scotland Yard was after you."

"Ah! I have a feeling we are getting to the interesting part. Come on, tell me."

"Well, if I hadn't given the right answer, we'd have both been dead on the spot."

"I see." Steele circles her. "And what did you tell them, Felicia?"

She smiles. "That you were the man we were waiting for."

"Oh, I see. And who exactly is that?"

She turns to look at him. "The finest assassin in Europe."

Steele looks incredulous. But before he can say anything more, two armed men enter the room. "Let's go," they say, grabbing Steele's arms and pulling him from the room.

As they walk along a path, Steele says, "Fellas, let's back this up and talk it through, shall we?"

"You'll do your talkin' to the head man," one of the thugs says.

"Yes, well, we don't have to bother him, do we?" Steele wonders. "I mean, surely the three of us can settle this." They stop at a door.

The other man points the gun at him. "If you don't come up with the right answers, mate, we'll settle things," he warns. They open the door and push Steele inside.

In the building, Daniel Chalmers stands, having a drink. Steele pauses, surprised. "Daniel?"


"YOU'RE the head man?" Steele questions.

"YOU'RE the assassin?"

"If it's not too much trouble, would you mind telling me what the bloody hell I'm doing here?" he demands.

Daniel smiles. "By heaven, it's good to see you again. It's been too long. Far too long," he muses, going to pour another drink."

"Oh, I see," Steele says. "What have I stumbled into this time, Daniel?" he asks.

Pouring, Daniel explains, "The sweetest opportunity to come down the pike in YEARS. Delighted you could be a part of it." He hands Steele the glass. "Cheers."

"Cheers," Steele repeats, then puts down the glass.

"I see you're eager for details. Good sign."

"Who are those-for want of a better word-gentlemen outside?"

"Miners," Daniel explains. "Until recently, they toiled for the Earl of Claridge. However, there were strikes- general unpleasantness, and rather than give into their demands, the Earl closed the mines. So, wanting merely to return to work in peace and harmony, they decided to kill him."

"How would that help get the mines reopened?" Steele wonders.

"The logic of that escapes me, too," Daniel admits. "But then, social protest never was my strong suit. At any rate, being new at this sort of- labour negotiation- they needed someone to mastermind the undertaking. No pun intended."

"I hadn't realized that you'd graduated to murder, Daniel," Steele says with a frown.

"Then you don't know me as well as you think, Harry. Murder is far too primitive for my tastes. The fact is, the Earl's impending wedding will assemble under one roof the finest array of jewels on the Continent." Steele nods, finally understanding as Daniel smiles. "My dear Harry. Why not use these poor misguided souls to help Felicia and me to pull off the robbery of the century?" he asks.

Steele laughs. "Oh, dear me. Tell me, how did you and Felicia meet?"

"Kismet. Lovely lady, don't you agree?"

"She's had her moments," Steele admits, finally taking a drink. "I hope the two of you will be very happy together." He chokes on the cheap liquor. "Now, if you'll make my apologies, I'll be on my way." He turns toward the door, but Daniel follows.

"I'm afraid it's not as simple as that, Harry. You see, I agreed to supply these- labour negotiators- an assassin."

"Just tell them I'm not the one you were expecting!" Steele says.

"But unfortunately, there is no assassin. I mean, THEY never would meet with the man for obvious reasons, and he had this great need to keep his identity secret-"

Steele frowns. "And once you and Felicia took off with the jewels, what were they gonna do? Complain to the police that you didn't live up to your end of the bargain? Is that is?"

"Your arrival puts a slight crimp in the plan."

"Daniel, I have no intention whatsoever of assassinating the Earl. He could be a very close relative of mine. Do you realize that?"

"Really?" Daniel asks in surprise. "You don't have an invitation to the wedding, do you?"

Steele turns to confront his former mentor. "One way or another, you, sir, are gonna straighten this whole thing out."

The door opens, and Hawkins and Blore are there. They raise their guns, grabbing the men. "Outside."

"What is it?" Daniel asks as they hustle he and Steele out.


They reach a lake, where the others are assembled, including Felicia. One of the miners, a short, heavyset man, says, "They call us radicals. They call us terrorists!" He stands before Steele and Daniel. "They call us thugs! Our union has expelled us! The authorities hunt us. But do we quit? NO! Because we're right! Our cause is just! Or target- clear!" He moves to look at Steele. "There's someone here who would destroy all we're trying to accomplish. Someone who came to us under false pretences." Daniel looks at Steele, who's looking a bit nervous. "Someone who tried to worm his way into our confidence, and then at the first opportunity, betray us. Well, there's only one answer for someone like that. Have you anything to say?"

"Stirring speech," Steele comments.

"You agree?"

"Well, there are a few portions I'd like to mull over."

"No time."

"You're probably wondering what I'm doing here, aren't you?"

"I KNOW what you're doing here. And what you WILL do here." He steps away. "Take him!" the leader orders.

The two men who brought Steele and Daniel to the assembly move forward- and past them to grab another man.

"You were going to the coppers, weren't you, Wilson?" the leader asks. "You were gonna tell them all about our plans for his Lordship. Trade your hide for our lives. Wasn't that it, Wilson?"

"NO," Wilson insists. "You've got it all wrong. I-"

The leader backhands the larger man, then turns and takes his gun from its holster and offers it to Steele. "Do the honors."

"ME?" Steele questions.

"It's your stock in trade, isn't it?" When Steele hesitates, he says, "Go on. Or we might think you came to us under false pretenses."

Steele glances at a concerned Daniel, then shakes his head. "Can't."

"Why not?"

"I, uh, I make it a rule never to pull the trigger unless I'm paid to do it first."

"Spoken like a true professional. Only talk's cheap. And you've gotta prove you're who you say you are." He turns from Steele and points the gun at Wilson. "Toodle-oo, Wilson," he says, and fires. Wilson falls into the lake, dead.

Felicia gasps in shock. Steele runs a hand over his face as Daniel whispers, "If you can't convince them you're the assassin, they'll be saying toodle-oo to us, too."

Steele takes a deep breath and exhales, not looking at Daniel. "In that case, get me a watermelon."

"A watermelon?"

"A water-melon," Steele confirms.

Daniel looks at him.


Mildred follows an angry Laura into Laura's hotel room and watches as the younger woman grabs her suitcase and tosses it onto the bed. "Miss Holt!" Mildred says. "Where are you going?"

"He's done it to me for the last time," Laura declares.

"Done what?"

"Left me in the lurch. Hung me out to dry. Let me twist in the wind. You're welcome to join me, Mildred, on the road back to SANITY." She heads for the dresser, but Mildred grabs her arm.

"Wait a minute. Hold the phone. You promised to tell me what's going on with Mr. S-the Bos- HIM!"

Laura nods. "You saw those passports. You did a background check on those names. Michael O'Leary, art thief. Richard Blaine, jewel thief." She grabs a handful of clothes from the dresser. "And the rest- Lord only knows. But NONE of them Remington Steele. And do you know WHY none of them is Remington Steele?"

"I'm staying tuned," Mildred says.

"Because Remington Steele doesn't exist." Mildred's eyes widen. "I invented him. Made him up out of whole cloth. He's a figment of MY imagination." She dumps the clothes into the suitcase.

"I'm not really stupid of none of this makes sense, am I?" she asks.

Laura turns to the closet. "No one would take a female private detective seriously." Mildred takes the clothes from the case and stuffs them back into the dresser. "Sam Spade, Phillip Marlowe- Charlie Chan, for God's sake," Laura frets while pulling clothes from the hangers. "That's everyone's perception of a private eye. A woman couldn't possibly function in that world. So," she says, smiling as she turns back to the bed where Mildred is standing in front of the now empty case," I invented a superior. A decidedly masculine superior." Mildred takes the suits. "And it worked, Mildred." Laura goes to the bathroom. "Brilliantly." Mildred starts to pick the suits up. "Until he showed up," Laura begins, coming back for a second. Mildred leans over the case, waiting until Laura turns back to the bath room again, then dumps the suits in the closet and closes it. "With his blue eyes and mysterious past. You know how I met him?"

Mildred leans against the closet door. "I'm afraid to ask."

"You should be," Laura admonishes, coming back. "He was trying to steal the collection of jewels *I* was hired to protect. And before I knew it, he found me out, and assumed Remington Steele's identity."

"Well, who is he?" Mildred asks.

Laura comes around the bed, not noticing the empty case. "A fraud. The man you worshipped, adored, fawned over, is a sham, a fake, a phony." She drops the toiletries into the case as Mildred frowns.

"You sure know how to let a girl down easy."

"I hated to do it, Mildred," Laura frets. "but it's time to face facts. He's gone. AGAIN." She turns away to clean out the lower drawer of the dresser. "And this time, even if he comes back, begging, pleading for a second chance- no way, Jose. I've done it once before without Remington Steele in the picture, and I'll do it again," she declares with determination, dropping her purses into the suitcase and going to the telephone. Mildred grabs the contents and shoves it under the bed. "Yes, this is Laura Holt. Can you have my bill ready, please?" Mildred closes the empty suitcase and fastens it. "Yeah. Okay." She hangs up.

"Oh, I gotta tell ya, Miss Holt, I am absolutely shocked."






"At YOU."


"Yes, you."

"I'm not the fraud."

"You're worse. Something kept him from meeting us. And he's out there, alone, without a passport, and probably in some kind of trouble?"

Laura smiles as she considers the scenario. "Do you think so?"

"Oh, you can't turn your back on him, honey."

"Watch me," Laura declares, and grabs her suitcase. "This is a lot lighter than when I arrived," she notes.

"No matter who he is, or what he was, you gotta admit, he's been one damn good Remington Steele. And he deserves more than so long, au revoir, afedersien (?) and so long, sucker!"

Laura sighs. "I know." She puts her case on the bed. "But it felt so good there just for a minute. All right. I think I know one place to find him. You man the phones in case Captain Chameleon deigns to call in." She opens the door. "Mildred, would you mind unpacking for me?"

"You got it," Mildred assures her with a smile.


Laura arrives at the Earl's, and is greeted by Bobbies on duty at the door. "Laura Holt," she says.

Bowler comes out. "Miss Holt."

She enters with him. He holds out his hand and she hands him her purse as a policewoman pats Laura down. "What's going on?" she asks.

"His Lordship has received some threats to his life."

"Surely you don't suspect me," Laura says.

"Inspector Lombard's orders," he informs her and hands the purse back as Laura frowns at the overzealous policewoman who puts her hand in Laura's pocket.

The Earl is looking at the portrait of Katherine when Laura enters the room. "Your Lordship," Laura says, and takes his hand.

"How pleasant to see you again, Miss Holt."

"I was wondering if a- a friend of mine has been here. He's tall, rather good looking- with dark hair-"

The Earl listens, shakes his head. "No. What would he want with me?"

"He came to England to trace his past. It can best be described as murky. He did, however, have one tangible link." She takes the watch from her purse. "Someone sent it to him with the note, 'Your father wanted you to have this.'" She holds it up.

The Earl looks stricken and murmurs, "Oh my God," and turns away.

"Um-the inscription is a little difficult to read," she begins as the music fills the room.

"To S.J. From K.L." the Earl says.

"I know on occasion you've used the name- Kevin Landers."

"This friend of yours. How old is he?"

"Early thirties."

"Raised- where?"

"Ireland, for the most part." She goes to him. "Do you know who he is?"

He looks at her. "Very likely. My son," he confesses. Laura closes the watch. "Your friend. Where is he?"

"I-I don't know. I'm trying to find him."

"All these years," the Earl mutters. "All these wasted years. I was no more than a boy myself. There was a young Irish girl who worked on the estate." He smiles. "Terrible disgrace. She took the child back to Ireland, refused any help. Eventually, disappeared. I only saw my son once."

There's a knock on the door, and Bowler opens it. "Sorry to intrude, Your Lordship, but there's a gentlemen to see you. Something about a presentation at the wedding reception?"

"Yes, yes, I'll be along in a moment," the Earl tells him, and Bowler closes the door. "Can I have that?" he asks Laura, meaning the watch. "For a- little while."

"Of course," she says, then watches him leave the room. She looks around with a sigh, then follows him to the doorway. Hearing a voice, she backs away, closing the doors again and listens.

"Bertie Carstairs," the Earl's visitor says, coughing. "your 'umble servant, sir." The visitor is Daniel, wearing a mustache, his hair grayed. He coughs again. "Sorry, your Lordship. Bit of the black lung, you know. Oh, I'm proud to 'ave got it in one of YOUR mines," he confides as Laura watches and listens to him.

"I understand you're here about the presentation, Mr. Carstairs."

"I am, sir. That I am. It'll be my privilege to lead the delegation of the loyal and faithful I'll speak a few words extolling the many wonderful things you done for us all. Then, on behalf of all the miners, leastwise, them as ain't out to kill ya, I'll present you w'a gold plated shovel." The Earl looks surprised. "A symbol, you might say, of our gratitude to you for allowin' us to dig your coal."

"Yes, I'm most appreciative, Mr. Carstairs. Not only of your fine gift, but also of your spirited support."

"I only 'ope and pray, Your Lordship, that I can make your weddin' the most- unforgettable day of your life." He bows slightly and then leaves.

Laura winces, knowing that Carstairs is really Daniel Chalmers.


Daniel's return to the compound is followed by Laura's arrival in a taxi. She pays the driver and gets out. She watches from the corner of a building as Daniel, carrying a watermelon, is greeted by two men with rifles. He shows them the melon, and they walk away. Laura follows.

In the courtyard, Steele affixes the melon to a tripod, turning it so that the painted face is visible. The miners watch, confused. Laura peers over a wall.

Steele returns to Felicia and Daniel, the latter of which smiles and whispers, "I hope one of us knows what you're doing."

"The Day of the Jackal," Steele tells him.

"Jackals will be feeding on our carcasses if you don't pull this off."

"Edward Fox, Michael Lonsdale, Universal, 1973. Fox portrays a master assassin. In order to test the accuracy of his weapon, he uses a melon. Trust me," he tells them. "The effect is stunning."

Felicia smiles. "Yes, darling, but first you have to HIT the melon," she reminds him.

Steele glares at her, then turns to the miners. "Shall we?"

"Get it," the leader tells one of his men.

They come out with the gold plated shovel. Steele looks at it with disdain. "What do you propose I do? Beat His Lordship to death?"

"Security's so tight, you couldn't slip a toothpick into that place," the leader tells him. "So-"

The man holding the shovel turns the handle, revealing a slot. "Breech," he instructs. He points to the spot where the handle is fastened to the blade. "Muzzle." And then back to the handle. "Trigger." He closes the breech and holds it out. "Cost us a pretty penny, this did."

"You get one shot," the leader says.

"Done correctly," Steele tells them, "That's all it will take."

He straightens the melon, and then steps away. Everyone else moves off as well. Steele lifts the shovel, takes aim- and misses, the bullet going high and to the right. Daniel and Felicia exchange a worried glance.

"Adjustment," he says, holding out a hand. One of the men brings him a screwdriver. Steele adjusts the sight, takes another bullet and inserts it into the breech. The man moves away.

Laura watches as Steele takes aim again, after a glance upward, and misses, but by a smaller margin this time, taking out the window to one side of the melon.

The leader is becoming angry.

"Adjustment," Steele says again, and turns the screw on the sight once more. "Bullet." He nods the man away, loads the breech.

"Last chance, mate," the leader tells him, and several men cock their rifles threateningly.

Steele takes careful aim- and hits the melon square on, exploding it. Daniel and Felicia laugh in relief, as some of the men applaud.

Laura is still watching as Felicia gives Steele a kiss. "Wonderful," Daniel says. "Congratulations. Knew you could do it."

"Thank you," Steele says. "Thank you."

"Haul it on down, luv," a man tells Laura.

She turns to look at him from her perch, then surprises him and knocks him down to run away. His gun fires, alerting the others, who take off, leaving Daniel, Steele and Felicia to bring up the rear, just in time to see Laura jump into a hedge to avoid being shot.

"She looks a good deal like your associate, Linda," Daniel comments.

"Lisa," Felicia corrects.

"Laura," Steele says with a concerned frown.


Mildred is at the wax museum, looking at a rather gory display when Laura touches her shoulder. Mildred screams. "Shhh!" Laura warns.

"Oh, you sneak up behind me in the middle of all this and you say shhh?"

"You'll never believe what I've been through, Mildred. Come on. I found you know who by following Daniel Chalmers."

"He's here too?"

"Shhh. He bought a watermelon."


"And took it to this compound filled with armed men. And then- you know who-"

"Look, Miss Holt, can't we call him Mr. Steele just for the sake of clarity?"

"Mr. Steele shot the watermelon with a shovel," Laura tells her.

Mildred looks uncertain. "Look, let me see if I can get you some water."

"I know how it sounds, Mildred, but believe me, I saw it with my own eyes. Then the armed men chased me, but I didn't want to come back to the hotel until you made sure it was safe. Whatever's going on, has something to do with the Earl of Claridge. He's received death threats."

"Oh, but you don't think Mr. Steele-"

"I don't know. But regardless of that, he's a royal bastard."

"Oh, Miss Holt, I know that you're angry with him, but I think that's out of line."

"No, Mildred! He's literally a royal bastard. The Earl fathered an illegitimate child, and as strange as it may seem, Mr. Steele appears to be IT."

"Does that mean we have to call him 'Your Lordship'?" Mildred wonders.

Laura frowns. "There are a great many things I'd like to call him, but that's not on the top of my list." Two men enter the museum

"There she is."


"Two of them who were chasing me," she tells Mildred.

"Okay. Go ahead. I'll handle it."

"We'll regroup at the hotel."

Laura takes off. Mildred moves to a display of a man being guillotined, and as the men pass, she screams and faints into their arms, preventing them from following Laura.


Steele watches as Daniel and the leader talk. The leader seems angry, and stalks off. Daniel joins Steele. "He won't call it off. Apparently we're all in this to the death. Even if it's ours."

"I have to know if Laura made it, Daniel," Steele says.

"The men aren't back yet, that's a good sign."

"No. I'll need to know more than that, mate."

"Don't do anything foolish, Harry," Daniel pleads. "Not only isn't Armstrong playing with a full deck, he can't even find the cards."

Steele smiles at last. "Don't worry about it." He moves off.

The miners are in a room, talking, when Steele bursts in. "Gentlemen. We have yet to settle one- minor- detail."

"What's that?" Armstrong asks.

"My fee."

"Name it."

"One million pounds," Steele says slowly.

The other miners are shocked. "A million?" one asks.

"Take it or leave it," Steele tells them.

"We ain't go nowhere near that."

"Then the deal's off," Steele says.

"But we'll get it," Armstrong tells him.

"You will?" Steele asks, worried that his bluff didn't work.

Armstrong gets up. "Nothin's gonna stand in the way of you killin' the Earl."


Laura enters the Earl's study. "Miss Holt. Have you managed to locate your friend?"

"I have a good idea where he is," she tells him. "But I haven't been able to put my hands on him yet."

"Katherine must know nothing of this," he says, pocketing the watch, "until I can- sort things out with my son."

"I understand, Your Lordship. About these- threats against your life-"

"Disgruntled miners. A lunatic fringe, if you ask me. They wanted me to give them half ownership of the mines. When I refused, they began a reign of sabotage and even blew up some of the tunnels. A great many innocent people were killed. Rather than risk more deaths, I closed the mines. Then they accused me of putting them out of work and vowed to kill me."

"Perhaps it would be wise if you postponed your marriage until these people are caught."

"Miss Holt, there was a period, a bleak, dark period when I was afflicted by drink and unhappiness. Then I met Katherine and fell in love. Have you ever been in love, Miss Holt?"

"I'm working on it."

"It's like being reborn." He puts his hands on her shoulders. "I cannot do anything to give Katherine the slightest reason to doubt my love. That's why the wedding must go forward as planned."

Laura smiles uncertainly.


At the Bentley Bank, Steele and Daniel enter. "Another fine mess," Daniel frets.

"Where there's a way in," Steele says, "there's a way out."

Armstrong and the others enter. "Nice and quiet. They won't even know what hit em," he says. They cross to the teller.

Suddenly Steele pulls his gun and yells. "Alright, everybody, this is a robbery! Put your hands up!"

The bank is filled with pandemonium as one of the tellers locks the vault door and an alarm sounds. Armstrong, angry, goes to Steele. "What the hell did you do that for?"

"I, um, I just go carried away," Steele explains. "I'm sorry."

Armstrong looks at an old man. "Open the safe."

"he can't," the man responds. "No one can. Once it's closed for any reason, only someone from the main office can re-open it."

Armstrong points his gun at the man as Steele says, "Ah, rotten luck. Shall we just- toodle-"

Armstrong leaps the counter and grabs the man at the safe, telling the old man, "You got to the count of five. Then I'll open him up."

"I told you it's out of my hands. Really-gentlemen, this is not cricket."

"One. Two," Armstrong begins.

Daniel calls out. "You heard him, he can't open it!"

"Three. Four-"

Steele leaps the counter. "Let me have a crack at it! Let me have a crack at it!" He stows his gun and looks around. "Alright. Just hold on." He looks at the old man. "Excuse me, sir, could you turn off the alarm? It makes it a bit difficult to hear?"

"Only the police can do that. Dreadfully sorry."

Steele puts his ear to the safe and gets to work. He tries the handle, it doesn't move. Again, no luck, then it turns and he opens it.

Everyone claps the miners rush in. Steele joins Daniel at the counter. "Congratulations, you've just added bank robbery to our list of accomplishments."


Steele and Felicia are walking along the lake later, and she asks, "Tell me, darling, if there were no Laura in your life-See? I got it right that time-would there be room for me?"

"Well, Laura IS in my life. At least I think she is."

She slips an arm through his. "I must admit- though not for publication-that it's all been quite empty without you, Michael. Or rather shabby. No matter how sumptuous the setting or generous the partner. I should never have let you go. I should have clung to you. I should have fought for you. Will you give me that opportunity now?" she asks as he smiles.

"I'm flattered."

"But uninterested."

"Let's just say--previously committed."

"Odd," Felicia says with tear-filled eyes, "that's the one thing none of the rest of us could ever squeeze out of you. No matter how persuasive we were."

"Believe me, Felicia. I wasn't planning on it." He gives her a couple of light kisses. "Good night. Sleep well." He leaves her standing there alone.


The miners are talking. "I'm all for social reform, but to tell you the God's honest- I'd rather have the million."

"Why can't we have both?" Armstrong asks as he watches one of his men working on the shovel.

"You gotta pay the man for his work."

"Not if he's dead, we don't," Armstrong points out.

"All set," the gunsmith says.

"He pulls the trigger," Armstrong explains, "and the whole works blows up in his face."

"Then who's gonna do the Earl?"

"Me," Armstrong tells him. He picks up a jar and puts his finger in, then blocks the light to show that it's luminescent. "I'm gonna rub some of this on his Lordship. And when our big time killer blows himself to smithereens, you douse the lights. They'll hustle his Lordship out to protect him. And I'll be waiting. Sightin' in on that that nice, big target, glowin' in the dark. Just beggin' to be hit."

"With what?"

"Can't get no weapons into that place."

"No need to," the gunsmith says. "They're already there."

Armstrong picks up a cup. "Here's to the best kind of social reform. The kind that pays a million quid."


"Bertie Carstairs", wearing an ill-fitting tux, is presenting the shovel to the Earl and his Bride. "So in conclusion, let me say without fear of contradiction, that the Earl of Claridge and 'is 'andsome new bride will live in peace an' 'armony, till death do them part." The guests applaud the speech, including Steele, who's more than a little nervous.

He gives the Earl the shovel. "Her Ladyship and I will always treasure this truly-remarkable gift."

The Earl hands the shovel to someone as Armstrong comes up to him. "That's a right fine piece of material, Your Lordship," he comments, patting the Earl's shoulder and rubbing his fingers on the lapel. "Wool blend, I'd say."

"Yes, yes. Thank you. Why don't you gentlemen avail yourselves of whatever we have to offer?"

Across the room, Laura is standing with Inspector Lombard, drinking champagne. "Well, what are you waiting for? Arrest them."

"Unless they make some overt move against His Lordship, I'm afraid I can only charge them with the bank robbery," Lombard reminds her. "In which case, your Mr. Steele will probably also go to prison."

Laura looks speculative. "How long do you think he might get?"

Steele moves away to find Daniel. "Get behind Armstrong. When I fire into the ceiling, you clobber him. I'll take care of Hawkins and Blore, okay?"

"Look at all those baubles," Daniel sighs.


"Harry, allow me my pain." Daniel moves away, and Steele looks around the room as Mildred, dressed as a maid, comes into the room carrying a tray.

"Canapé?" she asks, lifting the tray toward him. When he reaches for one, she pulls it away. "Creep."

"Mildred?" he questions, looking at her, taking in the costume.

"Oh, how could you? I believed in you. Revered you. I followed you around like a faithful puppy. If I had had a tail, I'd have wagged it everytime you came into a room!"

Steele looks put out. "Mildred, this is no time to talk about pets. Is Miss Holt in attendance, too?"

"She told me about you. You fake, you phony- you fraud!"

"Mildred," Steele begs, "Can we talk about my deceit at a less awkward moment?" He grabs a canapé and stuffs it into his mouth as Mildred moves off.

Daniel is following Armstrong when he's confronted by Laura. "Linda! Good to see you again. Let's have lunch, soon?" He tries to move away, but she blocks his path.

"You and your star pupil are in over your heads this time."

"You don't know the half of it," Daniel agrees.

"Well, I'm through fighting with you for him," she tells him. "When this is finished, you can HAVE him!"

"At the moment, that's hollow consolation." He leaves her.

Laura looks across the room to see one of the miners handing Steele the shovel. She starts forward, only to hear Felicia say, "Some people don't know when to pack it in. He's through with you, darling. He told me so right after we'd made love by a beautiful little lake."

Laura glares at the blonde. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For giving me the incentive to keep on fighting. Now move it, blondie, before I dent your grille." Felicia laughs softly and moves away.

Laura starts toward where she saw Steele moments before, but he's not there.

Armstrong looks around before leaving the room. Once he's gone, one of his men positions himself by the light switch. As Steele passes with the shovel, he puts his hand on the controls.

Armstrong climbs the stairs and finds a crossbow.

Steele stands there, trying to look nonchalant as he "inspects" the shovel. Laura sees him holding it, sees that he's pointing it toward the Earl and yells "NO!", jumping at Steele and causing him to drop the shovel as he pulls the trigger.

The weapon explodes, and the lights go out, leaving the room in darkness. Lombard finds the Earl in the darkness. (There are three phosphorescent stripes on the Earl's lapel. "Best get you out of here, my Lord," Lombard says.

The miner who turned out the lights tries to run, but is stopped by Bowler, who's dressed as a butler.

Laura and Steele get up, waving away the smoke. "What the hell were you doing?" Steele asks.

"I wasn't going to let you kill your own father!" she tells him.

"I was trying to save-" he realizes what she said. "My father?" he questions. "The Earl of Claridge is my father?"

"Happy Birthday," Laura says.

Steele grins as she moves away.


Daniel starts up the stairs and sees Armstrong laying in wait for the Earl. He moves close to a suit of armor as the Earl and Lombard enter the hall. Daniel watches as Armstrong stands and takes aim when the Earl starts upstairs. "Your Lordship!" he yells.

The Earl moves in time to avoid the arrow, and Daniel throws himself at the man to keep him down. Steele comes into the hall, and Daniel points. "It's Armstrong," he says.

Steele passes the trio as they return to the ballroom and goes up to confront Armstrong, who attacks him with a broad sword. Armstrong knocks the helmet off the suit of armour. They battle, and Steele finally gets the upper hand, sending the would be assassin down to the next landing.

Steele removes his bowtie. "Toodle-oo, Armstrong."


The next day, Steele is pacing nervously outside the Earl's study as Laura watches him. "Relax," she tells him. "Everything's going to be JUST fine," she says, a little nervous herself.

"Laura, it isn't every day you get to meet your father- I mean, for the first time."

Daniel comes out of the study, smiling. "Wonderful man, the Earl. His gratitude was boundless."

"After all, you did save his life," Laura says.

"He's thinking of putting me in charge of security for the estate."

"Daniel-" Steele warns.

"Nothing definite. We're merely discussing it."

"Oh," Steele says.

"Well, my boy, good luck." He shakes Steele's hand. "I hope this brings you everything you've always wanted."

"Linda, my dear, I'm afraid we shall have to postpone our luncheon." He gives her a kiss on the cheek. "I shall be extremely busy. Looking at alarm systems, laser beams, light sensors- you know- the stuff of- security-" he laughs and waves as he leaves the corridor.

Steele waves back, smiling, but he's nervous through the smile. The smile fades, and Laura moves forward. "Well," she sighs, going to him and smoothing his jacket. "All right. Don't slouch."

She and Steele go to the door and enter. The Earl is there, and once he closes the door, the two men inspect each other. The Earl comes over to Steele.

"Hello," Steele says in a quiet voice. They embrace.

"You've no idea how many years I've waited for this," the Earl says as they move apart.

"I- uh, I think I do." Laura watches silently. "Ever since I was a child, I realized that I- uh, wasn't like other children. I mean, I had no parents, no real parents, no true home. I was always trying to imagine what my real father was like. Creating, recreating his image, you know, how he walked, how he talked-" he grins. "How he smiled."

"I regret many things," the Earl says. "But none more severely than losing you."

"There's time. There's much time." Laura smiles.

"Let me look at you. Firm jaw. Blue eyes." He looks away, disturbed.

Laura moves forward. "Your Lordship?"

"What is it?" Steele asks.

"Your eyes."

"What about them?" Laura asks.

"They're blue."

"Is that a problem?" Laura wonders.

"My son has- hazel eyes," the Earl tells them. "Like his mother."

Laura's upset. "Are you sure? You said you only saw him once."

Steele lifts his hand to stop her. "I-uh, I don't think, uh, a father could make that mistake so easily," he tells her. "Could he, Your Lordship?"

"No," the Earl agrees sadly.

"Are you saying he isn't your-but, he's the right age, and he was raised in Ireland- and the watch. What about the watch?"

"Well, the initials S.J. stand for Sean James. The boy's name. I gave it to a friend to make sure he received it when he came of age."

"Well, there you are," Laura says.

"The watch was lost or stolen. And when you turned up with it, I naturally assumed it had found its way back to my son."

"Well," Steele says. "That would make sense."

"What does?" Laura asks, clearly NOTHING is making any sense to her.

"My father probably stole the watch," he tells her, and then he and Earl smile.

"I'm truly sorry, Mr. Steele. For both our sakes."

They sake hands, then smile and embrace again. "Shall we, Miss Holt? I think we have a long way to go. Good day to you, sir." He opens the door.

Laura says, "I'm so sorry."

The Earl smiles, and then the smile fades as the door closes behind them.

Steele lays on Laura's hotel bed, hands behind his head. "Ironic, isn't it? I come here to find out my real name, offer it to you as proof of my commitment, and now, not only are we still in the dark as to who I am, but I no longer know who I was."

Laura is sitting on the end of the bed. "I tried, but- Inspector Lombard won't give back your passports."

"Do you like London, Laura?"

"I haven't exactly hit the usual tourist attractions."

"Well, it seems to me, if our relationship is to continue, it will have to be here."

Laura smiles as there is a knock on the door. Mildred comes in, carrying a package. "Miss Holt. Bos-" she turns to look at him, pauses.

Steele looks like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar by his mother. "It seems you haven't forgiven me my deception yet."

Mildred looks at Laura. "To tell you the truth, I don't know HOW I feel. I guess it's gonna take some time to- straighten all this out. Anyway, here you go." She hands him the present.

"What is this?" he asks.

"It's sort of a consolation present from us for not ending up the son of an Earl," Laura tells him.

"Just what I need to get over my trauma. Another shirt." He opens the box- no shirt. "Or a handkerchief." He removes the tissue paper, "Socks, maybe?" He finally finds a passport and looks at them.

"I guess you earned it," Mildred says.

Steele picks it up and opens it. It's an American Passport in the name Remington Steele.

"Many happy returns, Mr. Steele," Laura wishes.

He closes it, and smiles. "Oh, girls, I'm touched." He gives them a hug. "Thank you."

They all examine the passport.

The End