- Steele Searching
Transcribed from the episode
- A car drives into a remote, apparently
deserted group of buildings and stops. The driver and another
man open the back doors for Felicia and Steele as two more men
appear, each carrying a rifle.
They escort the pair into a cluttered little room. "Wait
here," one of them says, then closes the door.
Steele looks around the room, then turns to Felicia. "Who
are they?" he asks.
She looks out of the window, shrugs. "New friends."
"What's all this gibberish about my killing the Earl of
Claridge?" he asks, looking at her intensely.
She smiles and comes toward him, obviously intending to try and
divert his attention and anger. "Aren't you even going to
thank me for saving your life?" she asks, placing her hands
on his chest.
Steele grabs her wrists and pulls her close. "I didn't know
it was in danger. I want some answers, Felicia. And you can begin
by telling me why you set the coppers on me."
"They were coming back," she explains.
"Hawkins and Blore. They were already suspicious of me.
If they'd found out that you were the great detective Remington
Steele, it would have been over for both of us." He releases
her. She straightens her coat. "As it is, they saw you make
your unceremonious exit from my flat, so naturally they wanted
to know who you were and why Scotland Yard was after you."
"Ah! I have a feeling we are getting to the interesting
part. Come on, tell me."
"Well, if I hadn't given the right answer, we'd have both
been dead on the spot."
"I see." Steele circles her. "And what did you
tell them, Felicia?"
She smiles. "That you were the man we were waiting for."
"Oh, I see. And who exactly is that?"
She turns to look at him. "The finest assassin in Europe."
Steele looks incredulous. But before he can say anything more,
two armed men enter the room. "Let's go," they say,
grabbing Steele's arms and pulling him from the room.
As they walk along a path, Steele says, "Fellas, let's back
this up and talk it through, shall we?"
"You'll do your talkin' to the head man," one of the
"Yes, well, we don't have to bother him, do we?" Steele
wonders. "I mean, surely the three of us can settle this."
They stop at a door.
The other man points the gun at him. "If you don't come
up with the right answers, mate, we'll settle things," he
warns. They open the door and push Steele inside.
In the building, Daniel Chalmers stands, having a drink. Steele
pauses, surprised. "Daniel?"
"YOU'RE the head man?" Steele questions.
"YOU'RE the assassin?"
"If it's not too much trouble, would you mind telling me
what the bloody hell I'm doing here?" he demands.
Daniel smiles. "By heaven, it's good to see you again. It's
been too long. Far too long," he muses, going to pour another
"Oh, I see," Steele says. "What have I stumbled
into this time, Daniel?" he asks.
Pouring, Daniel explains, "The sweetest opportunity to come
down the pike in YEARS. Delighted you could be a part of it."
He hands Steele the glass. "Cheers."
"Cheers," Steele repeats, then puts down the glass.
"I see you're eager for details. Good sign."
"Who are those-for want of a better word-gentlemen outside?"
"Miners," Daniel explains. "Until recently, they
toiled for the Earl of Claridge. However, there were strikes-
general unpleasantness, and rather than give into their demands,
the Earl closed the mines. So, wanting merely to return to work
in peace and harmony, they decided to kill him."
"How would that help get the mines reopened?" Steele
"The logic of that escapes me, too," Daniel admits.
"But then, social protest never was my strong suit. At any
rate, being new at this sort of- labour negotiation- they needed
someone to mastermind the undertaking. No pun intended."
"I hadn't realized that you'd graduated to murder, Daniel,"
Steele says with a frown.
"Then you don't know me as well as you think, Harry. Murder
is far too primitive for my tastes. The fact is, the Earl's impending
wedding will assemble under one roof the finest array of jewels
on the Continent." Steele nods, finally understanding as
Daniel smiles. "My dear Harry. Why not use these poor misguided
souls to help Felicia and me to pull off the robbery of the century?"
Steele laughs. "Oh, dear me. Tell me, how did you and Felicia
"Kismet. Lovely lady, don't you agree?"
"She's had her moments," Steele admits, finally taking
a drink. "I hope the two of you will be very happy together."
He chokes on the cheap liquor. "Now, if you'll make my apologies,
I'll be on my way." He turns toward the door, but Daniel
"I'm afraid it's not as simple as that, Harry. You see,
I agreed to supply these- labour negotiators- an assassin."
"Just tell them I'm not the one you were expecting!"
"But unfortunately, there is no assassin. I mean, THEY never
would meet with the man for obvious reasons, and he had this
great need to keep his identity secret-"
Steele frowns. "And once you and Felicia took off with the
jewels, what were they gonna do? Complain to the police that
you didn't live up to your end of the bargain? Is that is?"
"Your arrival puts a slight crimp in the plan."
"Daniel, I have no intention whatsoever of assassinating
the Earl. He could be a very close relative of mine. Do you realize
"Really?" Daniel asks in surprise. "You don't
have an invitation to the wedding, do you?"
Steele turns to confront his former mentor. "One way or
another, you, sir, are gonna straighten this whole thing out."
The door opens, and Hawkins and Blore are there. They raise their
guns, grabbing the men. "Outside."
"What is it?" Daniel asks as they hustle he and Steele
They reach a lake, where the others are assembled, including
Felicia. One of the miners, a short, heavyset man, says, "They
call us radicals. They call us terrorists!" He stands before
Steele and Daniel. "They call us thugs! Our union has expelled
us! The authorities hunt us. But do we quit? NO! Because we're
right! Our cause is just! Or target- clear!" He moves to
look at Steele. "There's someone here who would destroy
all we're trying to accomplish. Someone who came to us under
false pretences." Daniel looks at Steele, who's looking
a bit nervous. "Someone who tried to worm his way into our
confidence, and then at the first opportunity, betray us. Well,
there's only one answer for someone like that. Have you anything
"Stirring speech," Steele comments.
"Well, there are a few portions I'd like to mull over."
"You're probably wondering what I'm doing here, aren't you?"
"I KNOW what you're doing here. And what you WILL do here."
He steps away. "Take him!" the leader orders.
The two men who brought Steele and Daniel to the assembly move
forward- and past them to grab another man.
"You were going to the coppers, weren't you, Wilson?"
the leader asks. "You were gonna tell them all about our
plans for his Lordship. Trade your hide for our lives. Wasn't
that it, Wilson?"
"NO," Wilson insists. "You've got it all wrong.
The leader backhands the larger man, then turns and takes his
gun from its holster and offers it to Steele. "Do the honors."
"ME?" Steele questions.
"It's your stock in trade, isn't it?" When Steele hesitates,
he says, "Go on. Or we might think you came to us under
Steele glances at a concerned Daniel, then shakes his head. "Can't."
"I, uh, I make it a rule never to pull the trigger unless
I'm paid to do it first."
"Spoken like a true professional. Only talk's cheap. And
you've gotta prove you're who you say you are." He turns
from Steele and points the gun at Wilson. "Toodle-oo, Wilson,"
he says, and fires. Wilson falls into the lake, dead.
Felicia gasps in shock. Steele runs a hand over his face as Daniel
whispers, "If you can't convince them you're the assassin,
they'll be saying toodle-oo to us, too."
Steele takes a deep breath and exhales, not looking at Daniel.
"In that case, get me a watermelon."
"A water-melon," Steele confirms.
Daniel looks at him.
Mildred follows an angry Laura into Laura's hotel room and watches
as the younger woman grabs her suitcase and tosses it onto the
bed. "Miss Holt!" Mildred says. "Where are you
"He's done it to me for the last time," Laura declares.
"Left me in the lurch. Hung me out to dry. Let me twist
in the wind. You're welcome to join me, Mildred, on the road
back to SANITY." She heads for the dresser, but Mildred
grabs her arm.
"Wait a minute. Hold the phone. You promised to tell me
what's going on with Mr. S-the Bos- HIM!"
Laura nods. "You saw those passports. You did a background
check on those names. Michael O'Leary, art thief. Richard Blaine,
jewel thief." She grabs a handful of clothes from the dresser.
"And the rest- Lord only knows. But NONE of them Remington
Steele. And do you know WHY none of them is Remington Steele?"
"I'm staying tuned," Mildred says.
"Because Remington Steele doesn't exist." Mildred's
eyes widen. "I invented him. Made him up out of whole cloth.
He's a figment of MY imagination." She dumps the clothes
into the suitcase.
"I'm not really stupid of none of this makes sense, am I?"
Laura turns to the closet. "No one would take a female private
detective seriously." Mildred takes the clothes from the
case and stuffs them back into the dresser. "Sam Spade,
Phillip Marlowe- Charlie Chan, for God's sake," Laura frets
while pulling clothes from the hangers. "That's everyone's
perception of a private eye. A woman couldn't possibly function
in that world. So," she says, smiling as she turns back
to the bed where Mildred is standing in front of the now empty
case," I invented a superior. A decidedly masculine superior."
Mildred takes the suits. "And it worked, Mildred."
Laura goes to the bathroom. "Brilliantly." Mildred
starts to pick the suits up. "Until he showed up,"
Laura begins, coming back for a second. Mildred leans over the
case, waiting until Laura turns back to the bath room again,
then dumps the suits in the closet and closes it. "With
his blue eyes and mysterious past. You know how I met him?"
Mildred leans against the closet door. "I'm afraid to ask."
"You should be," Laura admonishes, coming back. "He
was trying to steal the collection of jewels *I* was hired to
protect. And before I knew it, he found me out, and assumed Remington
"Well, who is he?" Mildred asks.
Laura comes around the bed, not noticing the empty case. "A
fraud. The man you worshipped, adored, fawned over, is a sham,
a fake, a phony." She drops the toiletries into the case
as Mildred frowns.
"You sure know how to let a girl down easy."
"I hated to do it, Mildred," Laura frets. "but
it's time to face facts. He's gone. AGAIN." She turns away
to clean out the lower drawer of the dresser. "And this
time, even if he comes back, begging, pleading for a second chance-
no way, Jose. I've done it once before without Remington Steele
in the picture, and I'll do it again," she declares with
determination, dropping her purses into the suitcase and going
to the telephone. Mildred grabs the contents and shoves it under
the bed. "Yes, this is Laura Holt. Can you have my bill
ready, please?" Mildred closes the empty suitcase and fastens
it. "Yeah. Okay." She hangs up.
"Oh, I gotta tell ya, Miss Holt, I am absolutely shocked."
"I'm not the fraud."
"You're worse. Something kept him from meeting us. And he's
out there, alone, without a passport, and probably in some kind
Laura smiles as she considers the scenario. "Do you think
"Oh, you can't turn your back on him, honey."
"Watch me," Laura declares, and grabs her suitcase.
"This is a lot lighter than when I arrived," she notes.
"No matter who he is, or what he was, you gotta admit, he's
been one damn good Remington Steele. And he deserves more than
so long, au revoir, afedersien (?) and so long, sucker!"
Laura sighs. "I know." She puts her case on the bed.
"But it felt so good there just for a minute. All right.
I think I know one place to find him. You man the phones in case
Captain Chameleon deigns to call in." She opens the door.
"Mildred, would you mind unpacking for me?"
"You got it," Mildred assures her with a smile.
Laura arrives at the Earl's, and is greeted by Bobbies on duty
at the door. "Laura Holt," she says.
Bowler comes out. "Miss Holt."
She enters with him. He holds out his hand and she hands him
her purse as a policewoman pats Laura down. "What's going
on?" she asks.
"His Lordship has received some threats to his life."
"Surely you don't suspect me," Laura says.
"Inspector Lombard's orders," he informs her and hands
the purse back as Laura frowns at the overzealous policewoman
who puts her hand in Laura's pocket.
The Earl is looking at the portrait of Katherine when Laura enters
the room. "Your Lordship," Laura says, and takes his
"How pleasant to see you again, Miss Holt."
"I was wondering if a- a friend of mine has been here. He's
tall, rather good looking- with dark hair-"
The Earl listens, shakes his head. "No. What would he want
"He came to England to trace his past. It can best be described
as murky. He did, however, have one tangible link." She
takes the watch from her purse. "Someone sent it to him
with the note, 'Your father wanted you to have this.'" She
holds it up.
The Earl looks stricken and murmurs, "Oh my God," and
"Um-the inscription is a little difficult to read,"
she begins as the music fills the room.
"To S.J. From K.L." the Earl says.
"I know on occasion you've used the name- Kevin Landers."
"This friend of yours. How old is he?"
"Ireland, for the most part." She goes to him. "Do
you know who he is?"
He looks at her. "Very likely. My son," he confesses.
Laura closes the watch. "Your friend. Where is he?"
"I-I don't know. I'm trying to find him."
"All these years," the Earl mutters. "All these
wasted years. I was no more than a boy myself. There was a young
Irish girl who worked on the estate." He smiles. "Terrible
disgrace. She took the child back to Ireland, refused any help.
Eventually, disappeared. I only saw my son once."
There's a knock on the door, and Bowler opens it. "Sorry
to intrude, Your Lordship, but there's a gentlemen to see you.
Something about a presentation at the wedding reception?"
"Yes, yes, I'll be along in a moment," the Earl tells
him, and Bowler closes the door. "Can I have that?"
he asks Laura, meaning the watch. "For a- little while."
"Of course," she says, then watches him leave the room.
She looks around with a sigh, then follows him to the doorway.
Hearing a voice, she backs away, closing the doors again and
"Bertie Carstairs," the Earl's visitor says, coughing.
"your 'umble servant, sir." The visitor is Daniel,
wearing a mustache, his hair grayed. He coughs again. "Sorry,
your Lordship. Bit of the black lung, you know. Oh, I'm proud
to 'ave got it in one of YOUR mines," he confides as Laura
watches and listens to him.
"I understand you're here about the presentation, Mr. Carstairs."
"I am, sir. That I am. It'll be my privilege to lead the
delegation of the loyal and faithful I'll speak a few words extolling
the many wonderful things you done for us all. Then, on behalf
of all the miners, leastwise, them as ain't out to kill ya, I'll
present you w'a gold plated shovel." The Earl looks surprised.
"A symbol, you might say, of our gratitude to you for allowin'
us to dig your coal."
"Yes, I'm most appreciative, Mr. Carstairs. Not only of
your fine gift, but also of your spirited support."
"I only 'ope and pray, Your Lordship, that I can make your
weddin' the most- unforgettable day of your life." He bows
slightly and then leaves.
Laura winces, knowing that Carstairs is really Daniel Chalmers.
Daniel's return to the compound is followed by Laura's arrival
in a taxi. She pays the driver and gets out. She watches from
the corner of a building as Daniel, carrying a watermelon, is
greeted by two men with rifles. He shows them the melon, and
they walk away. Laura follows.
In the courtyard, Steele affixes the melon to a tripod, turning
it so that the painted face is visible. The miners watch, confused.
Laura peers over a wall.
Steele returns to Felicia and Daniel, the latter of which smiles
and whispers, "I hope one of us knows what you're doing."
"The Day of the Jackal," Steele tells him.
"Jackals will be feeding on our carcasses if you don't pull
"Edward Fox, Michael Lonsdale, Universal, 1973. Fox portrays
a master assassin. In order to test the accuracy of his weapon,
he uses a melon. Trust me," he tells them. "The effect
Felicia smiles. "Yes, darling, but first you have to HIT
the melon," she reminds him.
Steele glares at her, then turns to the miners. "Shall we?"
"Get it," the leader tells one of his men.
They come out with the gold plated shovel. Steele looks at it
with disdain. "What do you propose I do? Beat His Lordship
"Security's so tight, you couldn't slip a toothpick into
that place," the leader tells him. "So-"
The man holding the shovel turns the handle, revealing a slot.
"Breech," he instructs. He points to the spot where
the handle is fastened to the blade. "Muzzle." And
then back to the handle. "Trigger." He closes the breech
and holds it out. "Cost us a pretty penny, this did."
"You get one shot," the leader says.
"Done correctly," Steele tells them, "That's all
it will take."
He straightens the melon, and then steps away. Everyone else
moves off as well. Steele lifts the shovel, takes aim- and misses,
the bullet going high and to the right. Daniel and Felicia exchange
a worried glance.
"Adjustment," he says, holding out a hand. One of the
men brings him a screwdriver. Steele adjusts the sight, takes
another bullet and inserts it into the breech. The man moves
Laura watches as Steele takes aim again, after a glance upward,
and misses, but by a smaller margin this time, taking out the
window to one side of the melon.
The leader is becoming angry.
"Adjustment," Steele says again, and turns the screw
on the sight once more. "Bullet." He nods the man away,
loads the breech.
"Last chance, mate," the leader tells him, and several
men cock their rifles threateningly.
Steele takes careful aim- and hits the melon square on, exploding
it. Daniel and Felicia laugh in relief, as some of the men applaud.
Laura is still watching as Felicia gives Steele a kiss. "Wonderful,"
Daniel says. "Congratulations. Knew you could do it."
"Thank you," Steele says. "Thank you."
"Haul it on down, luv," a man tells Laura.
She turns to look at him from her perch, then surprises him and
knocks him down to run away. His gun fires, alerting the others,
who take off, leaving Daniel, Steele and Felicia to bring up
the rear, just in time to see Laura jump into a hedge to avoid
"She looks a good deal like your associate, Linda,"
"Lisa," Felicia corrects.
"Laura," Steele says with a concerned frown.
Mildred is at the wax museum, looking at a rather gory display
when Laura touches her shoulder. Mildred screams. "Shhh!"
"Oh, you sneak up behind me in the middle of all this and
you say shhh?"
"You'll never believe what I've been through, Mildred. Come
on. I found you know who by following Daniel Chalmers."
"He's here too?"
"Shhh. He bought a watermelon."
"And took it to this compound filled with armed men. And
then- you know who-"
"Look, Miss Holt, can't we call him Mr. Steele just for
the sake of clarity?"
"Mr. Steele shot the watermelon with a shovel," Laura
Mildred looks uncertain. "Look, let me see if I can get
you some water."
"I know how it sounds, Mildred, but believe me, I saw it
with my own eyes. Then the armed men chased me, but I didn't
want to come back to the hotel until you made sure it was safe.
Whatever's going on, has something to do with the Earl of Claridge.
He's received death threats."
"Oh, but you don't think Mr. Steele-"
"I don't know. But regardless of that, he's a royal bastard."
"Oh, Miss Holt, I know that you're angry with him, but I
think that's out of line."
"No, Mildred! He's literally a royal bastard. The Earl fathered
an illegitimate child, and as strange as it may seem, Mr. Steele
appears to be IT."
"Does that mean we have to call him 'Your Lordship'?"
Laura frowns. "There are a great many things I'd like to
call him, but that's not on the top of my list." Two men
enter the museum
"There she is."
"Two of them who were chasing me," she tells Mildred.
"Okay. Go ahead. I'll handle it."
"We'll regroup at the hotel."
Laura takes off. Mildred moves to a display of a man being guillotined,
and as the men pass, she screams and faints into their arms,
preventing them from following Laura.
Steele watches as Daniel and the leader talk. The leader seems
angry, and stalks off. Daniel joins Steele. "He won't call
it off. Apparently we're all in this to the death. Even if it's
"I have to know if Laura made it, Daniel," Steele says.
"The men aren't back yet, that's a good sign."
"No. I'll need to know more than that, mate."
"Don't do anything foolish, Harry," Daniel pleads.
"Not only isn't Armstrong playing with a full deck, he can't
even find the cards."
Steele smiles at last. "Don't worry about it." He moves
The miners are in a room, talking, when Steele bursts in. "Gentlemen.
We have yet to settle one- minor- detail."
"What's that?" Armstrong asks.
"One million pounds," Steele says slowly.
The other miners are shocked. "A million?" one asks.
"Take it or leave it," Steele tells them.
"We ain't go nowhere near that."
"Then the deal's off," Steele says.
"But we'll get it," Armstrong tells him.
"You will?" Steele asks, worried that his bluff didn't
Armstrong gets up. "Nothin's gonna stand in the way of you
killin' the Earl."
Laura enters the Earl's study. "Miss Holt. Have you managed
to locate your friend?"
"I have a good idea where he is," she tells him. "But
I haven't been able to put my hands on him yet."
"Katherine must know nothing of this," he says, pocketing
the watch, "until I can- sort things out with my son."
"I understand, Your Lordship. About these- threats against
"Disgruntled miners. A lunatic fringe, if you ask me. They
wanted me to give them half ownership of the mines. When I refused,
they began a reign of sabotage and even blew up some of the tunnels.
A great many innocent people were killed. Rather than risk more
deaths, I closed the mines. Then they accused me of putting them
out of work and vowed to kill me."
"Perhaps it would be wise if you postponed your marriage
until these people are caught."
"Miss Holt, there was a period, a bleak, dark period when
I was afflicted by drink and unhappiness. Then I met Katherine
and fell in love. Have you ever been in love, Miss Holt?"
"I'm working on it."
"It's like being reborn." He puts his hands on her
shoulders. "I cannot do anything to give Katherine the slightest
reason to doubt my love. That's why the wedding must go forward
Laura smiles uncertainly.
At the Bentley Bank, Steele and Daniel enter. "Another fine
mess," Daniel frets.
"Where there's a way in," Steele says, "there's
a way out."
Armstrong and the others enter. "Nice and quiet. They won't
even know what hit em," he says. They cross to the teller.
Suddenly Steele pulls his gun and yells. "Alright, everybody,
this is a robbery! Put your hands up!"
The bank is filled with pandemonium as one of the tellers locks
the vault door and an alarm sounds. Armstrong, angry, goes to
Steele. "What the hell did you do that for?"
"I, um, I just go carried away," Steele explains. "I'm
Armstrong looks at an old man. "Open the safe."
"he can't," the man responds. "No one can. Once
it's closed for any reason, only someone from the main office
can re-open it."
Armstrong points his gun at the man as Steele says, "Ah,
rotten luck. Shall we just- toodle-"
Armstrong leaps the counter and grabs the man at the safe, telling
the old man, "You got to the count of five. Then I'll open
"I told you it's out of my hands. Really-gentlemen, this
is not cricket."
"One. Two," Armstrong begins.
Daniel calls out. "You heard him, he can't open it!"
Steele leaps the counter. "Let me have a crack at it! Let
me have a crack at it!" He stows his gun and looks around.
"Alright. Just hold on." He looks at the old man. "Excuse
me, sir, could you turn off the alarm? It makes it a bit difficult
"Only the police can do that. Dreadfully sorry."
Steele puts his ear to the safe and gets to work. He tries the
handle, it doesn't move. Again, no luck, then it turns and he
Everyone claps the miners rush in. Steele joins Daniel at the
counter. "Congratulations, you've just added bank robbery
to our list of accomplishments."
Steele and Felicia are walking along the lake later, and she
asks, "Tell me, darling, if there were no Laura in your
life-See? I got it right that time-would there be room for me?"
"Well, Laura IS in my life. At least I think she is."
She slips an arm through his. "I must admit- though not
for publication-that it's all been quite empty without you, Michael.
Or rather shabby. No matter how sumptuous the setting or generous
the partner. I should never have let you go. I should have clung
to you. I should have fought for you. Will you give me that opportunity
now?" she asks as he smiles.
"Let's just say--previously committed."
"Odd," Felicia says with tear-filled eyes, "that's
the one thing none of the rest of us could ever squeeze out of
you. No matter how persuasive we were."
"Believe me, Felicia. I wasn't planning on it." He
gives her a couple of light kisses. "Good night. Sleep well."
He leaves her standing there alone.
The miners are talking. "I'm all for social reform, but
to tell you the God's honest- I'd rather have the million."
"Why can't we have both?" Armstrong asks as he watches
one of his men working on the shovel.
"You gotta pay the man for his work."
"Not if he's dead, we don't," Armstrong points out.
"All set," the gunsmith says.
"He pulls the trigger," Armstrong explains, "and
the whole works blows up in his face."
"Then who's gonna do the Earl?"
"Me," Armstrong tells him. He picks up a jar and puts
his finger in, then blocks the light to show that it's luminescent.
"I'm gonna rub some of this on his Lordship. And when our
big time killer blows himself to smithereens, you douse the lights.
They'll hustle his Lordship out to protect him. And I'll be waiting.
Sightin' in on that that nice, big target, glowin' in the dark.
Just beggin' to be hit."
"Can't get no weapons into that place."
"No need to," the gunsmith says. "They're already
Armstrong picks up a cup. "Here's to the best kind of social
reform. The kind that pays a million quid."
"Bertie Carstairs", wearing an ill-fitting tux, is
presenting the shovel to the Earl and his Bride. "So in
conclusion, let me say without fear of contradiction, that the
Earl of Claridge and 'is 'andsome new bride will live in peace
an' 'armony, till death do them part." The guests applaud
the speech, including Steele, who's more than a little nervous.
He gives the Earl the shovel. "Her Ladyship and I will always
treasure this truly-remarkable gift."
The Earl hands the shovel to someone as Armstrong comes up to
him. "That's a right fine piece of material, Your Lordship,"
he comments, patting the Earl's shoulder and rubbing his fingers
on the lapel. "Wool blend, I'd say."
"Yes, yes. Thank you. Why don't you gentlemen avail yourselves
of whatever we have to offer?"
Across the room, Laura is standing with Inspector Lombard, drinking
champagne. "Well, what are you waiting for? Arrest them."
"Unless they make some overt move against His Lordship,
I'm afraid I can only charge them with the bank robbery,"
Lombard reminds her. "In which case, your Mr. Steele will
probably also go to prison."
Laura looks speculative. "How long do you think he might
Steele moves away to find Daniel. "Get behind Armstrong.
When I fire into the ceiling, you clobber him. I'll take care
of Hawkins and Blore, okay?"
"Look at all those baubles," Daniel sighs.
"Harry, allow me my pain." Daniel moves away, and Steele
looks around the room as Mildred, dressed as a maid, comes into
the room carrying a tray.
"Canapé?" she asks, lifting the tray toward
him. When he reaches for one, she pulls it away. "Creep."
"Mildred?" he questions, looking at her, taking in
"Oh, how could you? I believed in you. Revered you. I followed
you around like a faithful puppy. If I had had a tail, I'd have
wagged it everytime you came into a room!"
Steele looks put out. "Mildred, this is no time to talk
about pets. Is Miss Holt in attendance, too?"
"She told me about you. You fake, you phony- you fraud!"
"Mildred," Steele begs, "Can we talk about my
deceit at a less awkward moment?" He grabs a canapé
and stuffs it into his mouth as Mildred moves off.
Daniel is following Armstrong when he's confronted by Laura.
"Linda! Good to see you again. Let's have lunch, soon?"
He tries to move away, but she blocks his path.
"You and your star pupil are in over your heads this time."
"You don't know the half of it," Daniel agrees.
"Well, I'm through fighting with you for him," she
tells him. "When this is finished, you can HAVE him!"
"At the moment, that's hollow consolation." He leaves
Laura looks across the room to see one of the miners handing
Steele the shovel. She starts forward, only to hear Felicia say,
"Some people don't know when to pack it in. He's through
with you, darling. He told me so right after we'd made love by
a beautiful little lake."
Laura glares at the blonde. "Thank you."
"For giving me the incentive to keep on fighting. Now move
it, blondie, before I dent your grille." Felicia laughs
softly and moves away.
Laura starts toward where she saw Steele moments before, but
he's not there.
Armstrong looks around before leaving the room. Once he's gone,
one of his men positions himself by the light switch. As Steele
passes with the shovel, he puts his hand on the controls.
Armstrong climbs the stairs and finds a crossbow.
Steele stands there, trying to look nonchalant as he "inspects"
the shovel. Laura sees him holding it, sees that he's pointing
it toward the Earl and yells "NO!", jumping at Steele
and causing him to drop the shovel as he pulls the trigger.
The weapon explodes, and the lights go out, leaving the room
in darkness. Lombard finds the Earl in the darkness. (There are
three phosphorescent stripes on the Earl's lapel. "Best
get you out of here, my Lord," Lombard says.
The miner who turned out the lights tries to run, but is stopped
by Bowler, who's dressed as a butler.
Laura and Steele get up, waving away the smoke. "What the
hell were you doing?" Steele asks.
"I wasn't going to let you kill your own father!" she
"I was trying to save-" he realizes what she said.
"My father?" he questions. "The Earl of Claridge
is my father?"
"Happy Birthday," Laura says.
Steele grins as she moves away.
Daniel starts up the stairs and sees Armstrong laying in wait
for the Earl. He moves close to a suit of armor as the Earl and
Lombard enter the hall. Daniel watches as Armstrong stands and
takes aim when the Earl starts upstairs. "Your Lordship!"
The Earl moves in time to avoid the arrow, and Daniel throws
himself at the man to keep him down. Steele comes into the hall,
and Daniel points. "It's Armstrong," he says.
Steele passes the trio as they return to the ballroom and goes
up to confront Armstrong, who attacks him with a broad sword.
Armstrong knocks the helmet off the suit of armour. They battle,
and Steele finally gets the upper hand, sending the would be
assassin down to the next landing.
Steele removes his bowtie. "Toodle-oo, Armstrong."
The next day, Steele is pacing nervously outside the Earl's study
as Laura watches him. "Relax," she tells him. "Everything's
going to be JUST fine," she says, a little nervous herself.
"Laura, it isn't every day you get to meet your father-
I mean, for the first time."
Daniel comes out of the study, smiling. "Wonderful man,
the Earl. His gratitude was boundless."
"After all, you did save his life," Laura says.
"He's thinking of putting me in charge of security for the
"Daniel-" Steele warns.
"Nothing definite. We're merely discussing it."
"Oh," Steele says.
"Well, my boy, good luck." He shakes Steele's hand.
"I hope this brings you everything you've always wanted."
"Linda, my dear, I'm afraid we shall have to postpone our
luncheon." He gives her a kiss on the cheek. "I shall
be extremely busy. Looking at alarm systems, laser beams, light
sensors- you know- the stuff of- security-" he laughs and
waves as he leaves the corridor.
Steele waves back, smiling, but he's nervous through the smile.
The smile fades, and Laura moves forward. "Well," she
sighs, going to him and smoothing his jacket. "All right.
She and Steele go to the door and enter. The Earl is there, and
once he closes the door, the two men inspect each other. The
Earl comes over to Steele.
"Hello," Steele says in a quiet voice. They embrace.
"You've no idea how many years I've waited for this,"
the Earl says as they move apart.
"I- uh, I think I do." Laura watches silently. "Ever
since I was a child, I realized that I- uh, wasn't like other
children. I mean, I had no parents, no real parents, no true
home. I was always trying to imagine what my real father was
like. Creating, recreating his image, you know, how he walked,
how he talked-" he grins. "How he smiled."
"I regret many things," the Earl says. "But none
more severely than losing you."
"There's time. There's much time." Laura smiles.
"Let me look at you. Firm jaw. Blue eyes." He looks
Laura moves forward. "Your Lordship?"
"What is it?" Steele asks.
"What about them?" Laura asks.
"Is that a problem?" Laura wonders.
"My son has- hazel eyes," the Earl tells them. "Like
Laura's upset. "Are you sure? You said you only saw him
Steele lifts his hand to stop her. "I-uh, I don't think,
uh, a father could make that mistake so easily," he tells
her. "Could he, Your Lordship?"
"No," the Earl agrees sadly.
"Are you saying he isn't your-but, he's the right age, and
he was raised in Ireland- and the watch. What about the watch?"
"Well, the initials S.J. stand for Sean James. The boy's
name. I gave it to a friend to make sure he received it when
he came of age."
"Well, there you are," Laura says.
"The watch was lost or stolen. And when you turned up with
it, I naturally assumed it had found its way back to my son."
"Well," Steele says. "That would make sense."
"What does?" Laura asks, clearly NOTHING is making
any sense to her.
"My father probably stole the watch," he tells her,
and then he and Earl smile.
"I'm truly sorry, Mr. Steele. For both our sakes."
They sake hands, then smile and embrace again. "Shall we,
Miss Holt? I think we have a long way to go. Good day to you,
sir." He opens the door.
Laura says, "I'm so sorry."
The Earl smiles, and then the smile fades as the door closes
Steele lays on Laura's hotel bed, hands behind his head. "Ironic,
isn't it? I come here to find out my real name, offer it to you
as proof of my commitment, and now, not only are we still in
the dark as to who I am, but I no longer know who I was."
Laura is sitting on the end of the bed. "I tried, but- Inspector
Lombard won't give back your passports."
"Do you like London, Laura?"
"I haven't exactly hit the usual tourist attractions."
"Well, it seems to me, if our relationship is to continue,
it will have to be here."
Laura smiles as there is a knock on the door. Mildred comes in,
carrying a package. "Miss Holt. Bos-" she turns to
look at him, pauses.
Steele looks like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie
jar by his mother. "It seems you haven't forgiven me my
Mildred looks at Laura. "To tell you the truth, I don't
know HOW I feel. I guess it's gonna take some time to- straighten
all this out. Anyway, here you go." She hands him the present.
"What is this?" he asks.
"It's sort of a consolation present from us for not ending
up the son of an Earl," Laura tells him.
"Just what I need to get over my trauma. Another shirt."
He opens the box- no shirt. "Or a handkerchief." He
removes the tissue paper, "Socks, maybe?" He finally
finds a passport and looks at them.
"I guess you earned it," Mildred says.
Steele picks it up and opens it. It's an American Passport in
the name Remington Steele.
"Many happy returns, Mr. Steele," Laura wishes.
He closes it, and smiles. "Oh, girls, I'm touched."
He gives them a hug. "Thank you."
They all examine the passport.