Steele's Gold

Transcribed from the episode written by:

R.J. Stewart

---

We open on guests arriving at a party in a Spanish styled house, all wearing Spanish styled costumes. Inside, we see more guests, as Steele appears, dressed as Sherlock Holmes, complete with deerstalker cap and pipe. "Ah, how I love a costume party, ey? The choice of one's costume is often determined by the true style of the inner man," Murphy appears, wearing a clown suite, frowning. "Wouldn't you agree, Murphy?"

"I'm gonna get you for this," he tells Steele.

"Now, Murphy. If something is worth doing, it's worth doing right." He points to his nose, and Murphy reluctantly puts a red nose on. "Excellent. Come along, Laura," Steele calls out. "Duty awaits."

"I'm NOT coming out like this," she declares, hiding.

"Now, Laura. How do you propose to guard Miss Kilbride's collection of old Californian artifacts hid behind that wall?" Laura plods out, wearing a bunny suit. She's extremely uncomfortable.

"I told you not to put him in charge of getting the costumes, Laura," Murphy reminds her as Steele adjusts her outfit.

"It's all they had left in our size. Besides," he says as he swats at one of her ears, almost knocking her off balance, "you look rather fetching in a cotton tail." He turns to enter the main room.

As they enter, Laura looks around at the other guests, who are all staring at them. "Oh, NO."

"It's a theme party," Murphy realizes. "Old California."

"Miss Kilbride merely said to come in costume," Steele tells them.

Laura looks up at him. "We're supposed to mingle with the guests? Look inconspicuous?"

Steele turns away. "Well, let's try not to draw attention to ourselves, ey?" Laura and Murphy exchange a look of disbelief.

Their client finds them. "Mr. Steele."

"Ah, Miss Kilbride."

"How clever of you to know that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes, once visited California." Laura and Murphy approach them. "I don't quite understand the rabbit and the clown, however."

Laura looks at Murphy again as Steele says, "Ah, what most people don't know, Miss Kilbride, is that Sir Francis Drake's childhood fantasy was to be a clown. And of course, Kit Carson often survived in the wilderness on nothing but rabbit."

"Then, Mr. Michaels is here as Sir Francis Drake's fantasy, and Miss Holt as Kit Carson's --lunch?" she asks, confused.

"Precisely," Steele confirms, coughing as the pipe smoke gets to him.

Suddenly someone screams, and they look across the room to find a man dressed as Zorro, wielding a sword, fighting with an old prospector holding a shovel. Zorro stabs the prospector, waves the sword around, as Laura yells, "Stop that Zorro!" and the chase is on. The murderous Zorro is attacked by another Zorro, but he makes his escape.

Steele goes to the wounded man. He, Laura, and Murphy kneel by the man as he says what sounds like "Eight - y - looons," before dying.

Steele looks at Laura. "Eighty loons?" he questions.

**********

The next day, Laura leads Miss Kilbride into Steele's office. "Eighty loons indeed. I'm most distressed, Miss Holt. Most distressed."

"Believe me, Miss Kilbride, we at the Remington Steele Agency are also distressed by what happened last night."

"I don't mind you, mind. It must have been very difficult, trying to run in those bunny shoes."

"Yes, well, won't you sit down?" Miss Kilbride sits before the desk, and Laura goes around to the chair, but doesn't sit. "We've run an inventory on your collection, and nothing seems to be missing."

"Except the journal," Miss Kilbride says.

"What journal?"

"Oh, while you were so ably protecting my collection of California artifact, some scoundrel broke into my library, and stole the journal of a prospector named Arnold Dobbs."

Laura sits, thoughtful. "What it valuable?"

"Not at all. Some geology students found it in the San Jacinto Mountains, and sent it to me. Just the scratchings of a nomad."

"Or something to kill for," Laura points out, picking up the phone. "Mr. Michaels and I will get right on it."

"And Mr. Steele. I gather he's quite the cat's pajamas at this sort of affair."

Laura smiles sweetly. "Ah, yes, of course. That's our Mr. Steele. The cat's pajamas." She laughs as she puts the phone to her ear.

**********

In his apartment, Steele is putting on his tie, looking at a picture of some loons. "Loons," he muses. "Eighty loons. A code, perhaps? Something like the 'Thirty Nine Steps'?" He stands and picks up his jacket. "Then again, it could be eighty lunatics." The telephone rings. "Steele here."

A man on a pay phone says, "If you want to know about those eighty loons, you'll meet me at the Macao Bar. Now." He hangs up.

Steele hangs up.

**********

Laura and Murphy are in a car lot, looking at cars, as Murphy tells her, "The dead man's name was Dan Curtain. A drifter, in and out of jail. Nothing very interesting about him, except his eyes."

"His eyes?"

"Yeah. One green, one brown." Murphy looks at a red Ford. "Laura, this is it. According to the license plate numbers on security's logsheets, this car was at Miss Kilbride's party last night." He opens the door as a Hispanic male walks up.

"You got your eyes on the LTD, eh? Well, if you pick that car out of this bunch, I can see that I'm dealing with a couple of crafty gringos. It's the peach of the crop. My name's Felix."

"Murieta?" Murphy asks.

"Junior," Felix confirms. "Yes, this little chiquita, she's got everything. Power steering, power brakes," he holds up four fingers. "White walls. What else do you need to know about her?"

"What was she doing at Sylvia Kilbride's party last night?" Laura asks.

"You the bunny rabbit? I thought I recognized you." He looks at Murphy. "And you. You the jerk in the Sherlock Holmes outfit?"

"No, I was the - uh, never mind."

"Mr. Murieta," Laura says, "you were an uninvited guest at a party where a man was murdered."

"I had nothing to do with that," he insists.

"Then you won't mind telling us why you were there," Murphy says.

"I'm interested in Old California. The family's been here a long time, and I just wanted to take a look at the exhibit."

Laura raises her sunglasses. "It will be open to the public this weekend. You couldn't wait?"

"We latinos are a hot blooded, impulsive race," he explained.

"That's not a very convincing answer," Laura tells him.

"What costume were you wearing last night?" Murphy wants to know.

Felix is getting testy. "Why don't you get off my lot?" Laura and Murphy start to go. "Unless, of course, you're really interested in the LTD?" he asks.

Laura shakes her head.

**********

On the docks, Steele, wearing a longshoreman's jacket, is playing pool. The man he's playing with says, "I think you're a hustler." Steele shoots, makes the shot. "A cheat." Steele lines up another. "And besides, I think you talk funny!" Steele shoots, the ball jumps the edge and lands in a very- delicate spot of the man's anatomy. "Ooooh!"

Steele smiles. "Oh, sorry, old chap. All that talk ruined my concentration." He starts to chalk his cue, only to find himself confronted by a heavyset man wearing a red bandana. "Eighty loons?" he asks. The man nods.

"Men's room."

"Of course," Steele agrees, putting the cue stick down and moving away. In the bathroom, Steele closes the door, as the man pulls out a long knife. "Eighty loons?" he asks, only to have his jacket stuck to the door with the knife.

"What you're lookin' for belongs to me."

"Oh. You own the loons."

"Stay out of it," the man warns. "Or you and your bunny rabbit friend could get hurt."

"You were at the party, perhaps, dressed as Zorro?" Steele asks nervously.

"Aughh!" the man says, opening the door, forcing Steele to shuffle his feet quickly, then back again as the door closes behind him.

Steele grabs the knife, only to stop as the door opens again. "Mr. Steele?" It's the man who called him to the bar. Steele moans, drawing the man's attention to the door. He closes it. "Mr. Steele," he says, closing the door and shaking Steele's hand as Steele eyes him warily. "Emmett DeVore," he says with an Irish accent. "Sea captain, poet, barrister, retired. It was me who called ya." Steele points at the knife. "I cleverly hid meself under a table," he removes the knife. "Until HE left." DeVore holds up the knife. "Lou Cody. He's a miserable, low life bum, who claims to own what's rightfully mine."

"The loons?"

"Not loons, Mr. Steele." He puts the arm with the knife around Steele's shoulders as he pulls out a gold coin. "Doubloons, Mr. Steele. Gold doubloons."

Steele reaches for the coin, but Emmett stops him, a strange glint in his eyes, the knife at ready.

**********

At the Kilbride house, Laura and Murphy arrive in her car. As they go up the steps, Murphy says, "Well, so far, so good."

"What do you mean?"

"At least the intrepid Mr. Steele hasn't stuck his big nose into this case yet." Laura laughs.

Miss Kilbride is at the door, waiting, smiling. "Miss Holt. Mr. Michaels. Please come in. Mr. Steele is already here." Exchanging a look, Laura and Murphy follow the woman into the living room, where Emmett and Steele are having coffee.

Emmett sees them enter. "Ah, it's the bunny rabbit and the clown," he announces, smiling.

Steele joins Emmett as he stands. "Ah, Laura. Murphy. May I present Captain Emmett DeVore?"

Laura shakes his hand as he says, "Soldier, philanthropist, archeolgist, CPA," he kisses Laura's hand, "retired."

"Do sit down," Miss Kilbride tells them. Murphy puts Laura between himself and Steele as she tells them, "Captain DeVore has shed some light on last night's tragedy."

"Were you an invited guest, Capt. DeVore?" Laura asks as Steele looks on, smiling nervously.

"Well, umm - not exactly."

Miss Kilbride offers Laura and Murphy some coffee. "Capt. DeVore read in the papers that I have in my possession Arnold Dobbs' journal. "So he came to protect his interest."

"Interest in what?" Murphy asks.

Steele holds up a coin. "Doubloons," he tells them. Laura takes the coin.

"Eighteenth century Toledo mint, to be exact," Miss Kilbride explains. "That one coin is worth well over a thousand dollars."

Emmett says, "I'm tellin' ya, Dobbs thought it would take at least FOUR burros t'bring the rest in."

Steele has a paper. "Emmett staked Mr. Dobbs to his last unfortunate expedition." Laura takes the paper. "In exchange, he was given THIS document."

"As you can see, Miss Holt, it guarantees me one half of the treasure of the San Jacintos." Steele tries to get the paper back, but Laura hands it to Murphy.

"The treasure probably consists of doubloons," Miss Kilbride explains further, "robbed from a Spanish caravan by the Murietas in 1787."

"The Murietas?" Laura questions.

"A family of banditos," Emmett tells her. "They have terrorized this state for generations with their theivin' and murderin'. I mean, heaven knows what they're up to now."

Looking at the note, Murphy tells him, "They own a used car lot in the valley."

"They've stooped that low, have they?" Emmett says.

"Felix Murieta, Jr. was at the party last night," Laura tells them.

"He was?" Emmett asks. "No doubt he was after my gold." He looks at Steele. "You know what I'm thinkin? It wouldn't surprise me if it was him who killed Dan Curtain."

"Tell me what you know about Dan Curtain," Laura asks.

"Dan Curtain?" Emmett repeats, nervous. "Dan Curtain. Well, he was a liar and a thief, and I always had a great dislikin' for him."

"Enough to kill him?" Murphy asks.

"Mr. Michaels, if I was a murderer, would I make a great detective like Remington Steele a partner in me claim?" he asks as Steele frowns, uncomfortable. He looks everywhere but at Laura.

"A-A partner in your claim?" Laura asks.

"In exchange for his services. Isn't that right?" he asks Steele.

Steele smiles. "Of course," he admits.

Laura smiles as well, "Yes, of course. Mr. Steele," she says, and he's already nodding as if he knows what's coming. "MIGHT I confer with you for a moment?" She gets up.

"Certainly, certainly. If you would excuse us both?" he asks the others. Murphy is NOT happy.

Suddenly the burglar alarm goes off, distracting everyone. Murphy gets up. "Somebody's tripped the alarm to the collection!" he announces, taking off.

They give chase, but it's Murphy who catches up with the burglar first, leaping down a flight of stairs outside to tackle the intruder and pull off the ski mask, revealing a dark haired woman as Steele and Laura appear on the stairs. The woman looks up at them and asks, "Will somebody get this clown off of me?"

**********

Steele drags the woman into his office, Laura close by. He pushes her to a chair. "So I overdid the research," she says. "Do you have to dislocate my arm?"

"Since when is breaking and entering necessary for research?" Laura asks.

"I'm a freelance writer, working on the Zorro murder. Sylvia Kilbride wouldn't talk to me on the phone." She sits down. "Oh, hell. I wanted a headline so badly. I'm really ashamed of myself."

Laura and Steele move to sit on the edge of his desk as Laura says, "Not bad. School girl guilt, stammering and blushing."

"I'm telling the truth. My name is Lois Grubobs, and my father taught me never to lie. He was a minister," she declares.

Laura picks up the phone. "Well, then. Maybe your father the minister will be glad to post bail for you." She dials a number.

"Alright. I admit it," the girl says. Laura hangs up the phone. "I'm not who I pretend to be." She looks up at Steele. "God, you're good, Mr. Steele," she says. "You saw right through me, didn't you?" she asks. Steele gets up, nervous at her sudden attention, as Laura silently fumes.

"A man in my business quickly learns to - spot a liar," he tells her, moving toward the windows.

"My real name is Kitty Dobbs," she confesses.

"Dobbs," Laura says.

"Arnold Dobbs was my father," Kitty explains. I was his illegitimate daughter. His child from a month of passion with my mother in the gold fields of Alaska in 1953." Laura gives Steele a look that says she's not buying this one either. Kitty rises and goes to Steele, penning him in against the window. "He loved me, he sent money when he could. When he struck it rich, he promised to make me a queen," she tells Steele, who's looking at her. "But now I live in a one bedroom in Canoga Park. Oh, I appeal to you, Mr. Steele, the doubloons are rightfully mine. Look into my eyes. Among the eskimos, from the great north, where I was spawned, green is the color of honesty. All I ask is the chance to stand before you, stripped bare, naked- with the truth." Laura is listening, but she doesn't believe she's really hearing this.

"I'll- certainly make that a - top priority, Miss Dobbs" Steele assures her, VERY nervous.

Murphy comes in. "So how's her story?" he asks.

"Spawn of the north," Laura informs him, clearly upset. "I smell fish in the air." Murphy glares at Steele and Kitty as he opens his notebook.

"I came up with another one of those univited license plates at Miss Kilbride's party. Ever hear of Chance McCormick?"

"Another grizzled prospector?" Steele asks, still with Kitty.

"Close, but no cigar," Murphy says. "McCormick's a professional gold hunter, but he uses-"

Cut to Laura and Remington in a large building as she says, "Computers?"

"Whatever happened to the legends of strong men working only with picks and shovels, ey? I mean, for me, McCormick's gold hunting computers lack the- human obsession." They move on.

"The obession of men like your Capt. DeVore?" she asks.

He inspects a screen. "Laura, I've already told you. My partnership with Emmett DeVore is merely a way for us to keep tabs on him." She spats his hand away from the machine. "My gold hunting days are way in the past."

"Your mysterious past includes prospecting?" she questions.

"Oh, a hobby, nothing more," he quickly assures her. She nods as they approach a door marked "Restricted", with a camera watching them.

"Names, please," a voice asks.

"A computer controlled door?" Laura asks.

Steele leans toward the door. "Remington Steele, Laura Holt."

"You do not have to shout," the mechanical voice tells him. "I am not deaf. Proceed." The doors open.

They start inside as Laura comments, "All these machines. It's like a-"

"'Metropolis?" Steele questions.

"What?"

The computer answers. "'Metropolis', directed by Fritz Lang, USA studios," Steele moves inside as Laura listens. "Berlin, 1926. The great mass of inferior human workers becomes dominated by superior machines."

Steele speaks into the microphone. "Bet you can't name the actors," he says.

"Alfred Einboch, Gustav Krolnich, Rudolf Kleinrogen." Laura moves away.

Steele nods. "Hmm. Not bad for a computer." He follows Laura and the doors close.

They find Chance McCormick bent over a screen. "Mr. McCormick," Steele says. McCormick ignores him. "Chance McCormick?" Steele says, trying again.

Laura steps closer. "Let me try." She moves close to the man. "GOLD," she says.

McCormick smiles tightly. "Joke? Inappropriate," he says. "You're Steele, this is Holt. My Alpha 7500 told me you were on your way."

"Alpha 7500," Laura says.

"Sounds like a radioactive dogfood," Steele comments, laughing. Laura grinds her teeth.

"The Alpha 7500 is just the best little data exchange system west of IBM," McCormick tells them proudly. "He monitored your conversation coming here. So, you think I killed Dan Curtain with my little Zorro sword, ey?" He shakes his head. "Foolish."

"You were at Miss Kilbride's party," Laura points out.

"Did you know Dan Curtain?" Steele asks.

"I know everyone who's anyone in the gold business. Dan Curtain was a scavenger. A dirty fingernailed gold digger."

"And odd villification, considering your own profession," Steele says.

"Profession is RIGHT, Mr. Steele," he says, coming toward Steele, causing him to back away before McCormick turns. "Follow me." He leads them into a back area, lit by red lights. "I've rented myself a piece of an Italian earth survey satellite. It sends radio beams right through the ground back to me." He indicates some screens. "Copper and tin. Uranium. And the big G. Gold."

"Ahh," Steele says.

"Impressed? I'll say."

"An Italian satellite?" Steele questions.

"Hey. You gotta start somewhere," McCormick tells him.

"And the doubloons from the San Jacinto Mountains?" Laura asks.

"I'm working on that," McCormick snaps.

"Without much success, apparently," Steele comments.

"You know, it's ironic," Laura points out, "All this technology, and you're in the same boat as everyone else. You need the -scratchings of an old prospector to find that gold."

McCormick draws himself up, offended. He turns to someone else. "Show Sherlock and the bunny rabbit out. This interview is terminated," he says as they walk away.

**********

Back at his office, Steele is making telephone calls, crossing names off a list as he makes the calls. "Senor Murieta?. . .Ah, buenos dias.. . . This is Remington Steele.- Sherlock Holmes. That's right, yes . . .Excuse me?. . .Gremlins?. . .Oh, I see. No, I'm not actually calling about automobiles. I- That does sound like quite a steal, but - actually I --No, racing stripes wouldn't make a difference. Senor Murieta, I wish to inform you that we have recovered the missing journal. Um humm." He nods.

Later, Laura and Murphy are in her office. "Let me see if I understand this," Murphy says. "He called all the suspects and told them WE had the journal in the office safe?" She nods. Murphy gets up to close the door. "And he expects the innocent people to try and steal it, but not the guilty party."

"Because he or she already has it. I must must admit, it does make a peculiar kind of sense," Laura says, sitting down behind her desk.

Murphy frowns. "Don't you think he's becoming a little too involved in this case, Laura?"

"Well, he DOES have previous experience with -gold."

"I thought as much. Did you see the way his eyes lit up when DeVore started talking about the gold?" He comes over to Laura's desk, his own eyes none too dim. "Like a couple of doubloons!" he declares, as Laura nods uncertainly. "How high do you think his trust quotient is on this case, Laura?"

"About the same as it is on anything else," she tells him.

"Oh. That bad, huh?"

Steele enters from his office. "Someone's coming," he tells them, moving across to turn off the lights as Laura and Murphy join him at the door, all three peering out, looking like faces on a totem pole. They watch as someone slips the locks on the front doors, then enters the office.

"I can't believe this is actually working," Murphy mutters softly.

Steele frowns, then leaves them to tiptoe into the room, where the intruder is looking for the safe. The lights come in, and reveal that it's Emmett DeVore. He and Steele start to laugh as Emmett says, "You know, that's a fine lock y'got there." He looks at his lock pick, then says, "What I was doin', I was checkin' t'see if the journal was tucked away safe and sound from them thievin' hands."

Steele grunts as Laura looks at Murphy, who's still not too sanguine about the plan.

"Well I see that it is, so I'll be on me way-" He starts to turn, but Steele puts an arm around his shoulders, holding him, smiling.

**********

Later, Steele tells Murphy, "Lou Cody was the only one who didn't try and break in."

"I can't believe it actually worked," Murphy muses.

"Ergo -" Steele continues.

"Cody has the journal," McCormick declares.

"He's gone for the gold," Kitty says.

"My machete will taste his blood," Felix says.

"The man's a devil and someone should stop him," Emmett insists.

Steele nods, taking Laura's arm to pull her aside. "Miss Holt, umm-"

Murphy comes up. "I know what he's going to ask."

"You do?"

"Um humm. Now that we know it's Cody, what do we do with them?" He points over his shoulder, giving Steele a knowing look.

"I was interested in Laura's thoughts on the subject," Steele insists.

"Let 'em go," she says.

"There you go, Murphy. We let 'em go."

Murphy frowns at Laura as she tells him, "I want you to give Miss Kilbride an update. Tell her we've identified the man who has the journal." She turns to Steele as the others try to overhear their planning. "And you take me to the place where you first bumped into Cody."

Steele isn't sure. "Perhaps Murphy and I should go there. It's hardly the ambiance for a young-"

"Don't be RIDICULOUS," she declares. "I'm a private investigator. It's my job to- fit in everywhere," she tells him. Steele smiles, Murphy looks sick.

**********

At the bar, Steele, back in his sailor's garb, and Laura, now wearing a trenchcoat and hat, enter. She looks around, frowning. "It's a pest hole," she declares.

The guy that Steele shot pool with earlier looks at her. "Lookin' for me, honey?"

"If you feel more comfortable, you can wait in the car," Steele suggests.

Laura adopts her "tough" image. "Nah. This is Laura Holt, P.I. Let's sweat some info out of these turkeys and split." They move to the bar.

"Whatever you say, big fella."

They sit down, and a large black woman tells Laura, "We don't get too many lookers in here," as she touches Steele's hair. He looks worried. "Do you mind?"

"Nah," Laura assures her, smiling. The woman plants a kiss on Steele, leaving lipstick bright red on his lips. "I'm lookin' for Lou Cody."

"Oh, he left a coupla hours ago," she tells them, still looking rather lustily at Steele.

"Did he say where he was going," Steele asks.

"Yeah."

"And where was that?" Laura questions.

"How about another smooch?"

"How about a shot of burbon, ey?" Steele suggests quickly.

"Well, if that's the best I can- promote," she says.

Steele holds a bill over his shoulder. "Bartender. A shot of burbon for Molly."

She moves away to take the drink. "Thanks."

"Lou Cody?" Steele asks.

She squints. "Now was it Ohigh? Or Oxnard?" she wonders, touching his hair again as Steele looks over at Laura, silently begging her to save him.

Later, Steele is still at the bar, Molly's head now resting on his shoulder as she says, "Bakersfield?" She shakes her head. "Barstow?" Another shake as Steele looks around, trying to find Laura. "Burbank?"

Laura is shooting pool with the guy, who's standing behind her. She says, "Let me get this straight. The object of this game is to get THOSE balls into THESE pockets with this little ball?"

"Uh uh," the man says.

"Okay," Laura says, readying her shot. The man bends over behind her. As Laura pulls back the cue, she hits him in the same spot as Steele did earlier.

The bartender says, "Last call."

Steele holds up a bill. Molly gets up. "Thanks for the drink," she tells him, downing the shot. Steele frowns. "I gotta go close up now."

"Lou Cody."

She taps his cheek. "He went to Howardville," she tells him, moving away.

"Howardville," Steele repeats, wondering why it couldn't have been that easy earlier.

**********

Laura and Steele arrive in Howardville, a ghost town, driving a jeep, wearing western clothes. "Howardsville, ey?" Steele says.

"Seems deserted," Laura comments. They enter the old saloon, seeing and hearing a rattler slither across the floor. The both look around VERY cautiously after that. Suddenly Laura grabs Steele's arm and points. "Blood."

"Never a good sign," Steele says, and they follow the trail back outside and up some stairs to another room. Lou Cody is there, dead. "It's Lou Cody," Steele declares.

"And Arnold Dobbs' journal," Laura says.

**********

Back in the saloon, Laura inspects the beginning of the blood trail. She finds something, picks it up and carries it to the lantern while Steele opens a sleeping bag. "A contact lens. Tinted green."

"Umm? Yes. It shouldn't be too difficult to tell which of our suspects fits that prescription when we return to civilization."

"From the trail of blood," Laura decides, "Lou Cody was shot in here. And once the killer was gone, he obviously tried to make his way back to where he hid the journal."

"Gold fever's a frightful disease, Laura. It can turn an honest, decent man into a treacherous, devious animal, bent on destroying anything that stands in his way."

Laura's looking at the journal, using a flashlight. "Are you speaking from experience?" she asks.

"'Treasure of the Sierra Madre'. Humphry Bogart, Walter Huston, Warner Brothers, --umm-1948." He gets a bottle of champagne and two glasses out.

"What are you doing?" she asks as he sits down on the sleeping back.

"Just trying to make things cozy," he assures her. "I thought we could have a relaxing evening and then get some rest. After all, we have to catch a killer in the morning," he reminds her, trying to uncork the bottle.

"Where's my sleeping bag?" Laura wants to know.

"I- I thought the jeep was a trifle overcrowded," he explains. "So I only packed one sleeping bag." The cork releases. He holds the glasses out to her.

"You only brought one sleeping bag?"

"Yes."

Laura takes a glass, and sits down beside him. "Then where are you going to sleep?" she asks.

"Laura. The mountain air can freeze a man to death." He pours the wine. "We must huddle together for warmth. Use the heat of our bodies to ward off the bitter chill night air." She doesn't look too certain.

"Well," she finally says, "in the interest of survival-" they clink glasses together.

"Chin chin," Steele says. They each take a drink, then Laura removes her boots, and Steele does likewise. "Yes." He unzips the bag, and they squeeze inside. Laura starts zipping it up, and laughs.

"Close quarters," she points out.

"Yes," Steele agrees, smiling at the idea. "Delightfully cramped. Our bodies should have no trouble generating a veritable bonfire of life giving heat," he says, helping her with the zipper. "There."

Laura picks up the journal. "Okay. Listen to this," she tells him, opening it and begins to read.

"I saw them again today. They are definately after the gold. Redneck and Two-eyes." Steele starts caressing her forehead. "I have never seen such as him, with one eye as green as the grass-" she looks at Steele. "And the other as dark as his soul."

"Hmm," Steele recalls. "Dan Curtin had one green eye and one brown eye."

"I wonder who Redneck was?" Laura asks as Steele drops a light kiss on her cheek.

"Don't know. Skip to the part where Dobbs tells where he hid the gold," he says, kissing her again.

Laura looks at him then back at the book, as he kisses her brow. "Just how much of a hobby was this gold hunting of yours?" she asks in a breathless voice.

"You know how I am around shiny objects," he tells her, still giving her light, teasing kisses. "Can't resist them. For instance, your shimmering eyes," he says, kissing each one.

Laura starts returning his kisses. "Did gold ever turn you into a treacherous, devious animal?"

"Your kissable lips," Steele says.

"Bent on destroying anything that stood in-" She gives up, returning his kisses fully, her arm around his neck.

Suddenly a manical laugh echoes around them, causing them to separate and sit up. Laura grabs the flashlight, shining it around the room. "Who is that?" she asks.

Steele is frustrated by the interruption. "Yes, it sounds like Capt. Emmett DeVore. I've heard laughter like that before, in the jungles of the Yucatan. The sound of a man made mad with the vision of-" he pauses to take a sip of champagne.

"Gold?" Laura asks, as the laughter continues.

"Then again, he could just be remembering a good joke."

Laura turns off the flashlight. "If he's the killer, then he has a gun."

Steele turns back to her, putting his arms around her. "And if he's not, why bother him?"

Laura is no longer in the mood. "We've got to take turns sleeping," she tells him. "Two people have died already for this journal."

"I didn't feel much in the mood for sleep anyway," Steele tells her.

"Good." Laura hands him the flashlight. "Then you can take the first watch."

"Thank you." Steele slips out of the sleeping bag and moves away as Emmett laughs again. "Well, Emmett," Steele says as he puts his boots back on. "It certainly sounds like you're having a better time than I am."

**********

The next morning, a car pulls into town, stopping before the saloon as Laura comes out. Miss Kilbride and Murphy get out of the car. Laura asks Murphy, "What's she doing here?"

"I, uh, made a mistake. I told her that Lou Cody was up here with the journal. Steele comes from inside.

"Swell," Laura comments.

"What's she doing here?" Steele asks about Sylvia.

"I have come to claim the gold on behalf of the California State Historical Society," she announces.

"Oh. Swell," Steele agrees.

"Do you have the journal, Mr. Steele?"

"Yes. Yes, Miss Kilbride, I have it." They all turn as the red LTD arrives, towing a horse trailer.

Felix gets out. "Have a look, Laura," Steele says. "He's wearing glasses."

"We may not have to wait until we get back to civilization to bag our killer," she agrees as Steele nods.

"You drive like a typical gringo," Felix tells Murphy. "Hard to keep up with, but easy to follow. I could see your dust for MILES." He looks at Sylvia's car. "Where are you going in this? A bar mitzvah?"

"I warn you, Senor Murieta," Sylvia says, "That gold belongs to the state of California."

"My great, great, great- great grandfather, Pepe Murieta, stole that gold. What my ancestor steals is morally mine."

"Interesting logic," Steele says.

"I come from a very proud family, Mr. Steele. We were once the finest banditos north of Guadalajara. Now," he says with a frown, "we're reduced to hustling used LTDs. But with that gold, my family could regain a piece of its noble past. Who knows? We might even get into Datsuns and Toyotas." Sylvia looks distressed.

Another car arrives, coming to a quick stop behind Felix's trailer. Kitty gets out. "So is she," Laura says.

"What?" Steele asks.

"Wearing glasses."

Kitty walks up to Felix. "You almost lost me at the fork. But I just followed the smell of the mules." She sniffs in his direction. "At least, I THOUGHT it was the mules."

A helicopter comes in for a landing, and McCormick gets out. "They're ALL wearing glasses," Steele points out as he sees McCormick's sunglasses.

"This isn't going to be the opthomological piece of cake that we thought," Laura decides as McCormick approaches.

"Competition, I love it! Being the first one to the gold wouldn't be half as much fun if I didn't know there was a string of losers trailing behind."

"No one is going to find that gold without Arnold Dobbs' journal," Sylvia points out. "And I am happy to say, it safely resides in the hands of MY representitive, Mr. Remington Steele." Everyone looks at Steele as he smiles warily.

Inside, Steele, with the journal, is getting his hat when McCormick says, "Long as you have that journal, Steele, you have a shadow."

Kitty agrees. "Make it two."

"Tres," Felix adds.

"Mr. Steele would rather die than give up the journal," Sylvia informs them. Steele nods, halfheartedly.

"Nicely put, Miss Kilbride. Inaccurate, but- nicely put."

Their attention is drawn to Laura and Murphy as they enter the saloon with Laura screeching. "Rotten lowlife scum!"

"Don't you give me that! You want the gold as much as I do!"

"I FOUND that journal, and what it brings is MINE!" she insists, slapping him.

"I don't need no stinkin' partner!" She picks up a chair. "And you watch your back, lady! Cause I'm gonna be breathin' down it!" He leaves as Laura hefts the chair, breaking it against the closed door.

Steele excuses himself from the others, going to join Laura at a window. He grabs her arm, only to have her snarl at him. "Extraordinary performance," Steele tells her. "The slap was inspired, the chair was magnificent." Laura glares at the others, breathing heavily. "Murphy, of course, well, he was a bit wooden, but he played well enough for the provinces."

Laura folds her arms. "I want them to think he's against us so they'll confide in him when WE go after the gold."

"Ahh, now we're talking, ey?" he asks, slapping her on the bottom with the journal.

"Only to find the murderer," Laura reminds him.

"Of course. Of course. The gold is secondary," he assures her, licking his lips. "Terciary. A mere afterthought."

Laura frowns. "For goodness sake, get a handkerchief. You're starting to drool." She walks away. Steele checks to see if she's right.

Later, McCormick comes from his helicopter, angry. "All right, who sabotaged my chopper?" he asks.

Steele shows Laura something, Sylvia's in the back of the jeep. "His injector," he explains, wrapping the part in a red bandana before putting it away. He starts to turn on the ignition, but Emmett's laughter sounds. Steele stands up in the jeep. "Captain DeVore! We're leaving now!" He sits, turns the key, but the vehicle won't start.

Kitty and Murphy ride by on two burros. Murphy waves. Felix comes up, also on a burro, leading more animals. "Transportation problems, Mr. Steele?" He dismounts. "Well, it just so happens I have some real cream puffs for sale here."

"How much?" Steele asks.

"Five hundred."

"Seems a little steep," Laura says.

"Well, in that case, there's the- subcompact model?" he says, going to a burro.

"We'll take top of the line," Steele tells him as Laura frowns.

**********

On the trail, Laura and Steele are ahead of the others, Miss Kilbride carrying a parasol. Laura is reading the journal. "Well, I think I can piece enough together to get us going in a general direction," she tells him. "As long as they tag along, and Emmett isn't far behind, we'll have all the suspects together. Maybe we can find out who's missing that contact lens."

"Yes, well, let's try to do this as expeditiously as possible. Having a determined killer at our backs isn't the most comforting thought." He keeps looking back at the others.

That evening, at camp, Steele is reading the journal to Laura. "Redneck and Two eyes are closing in for the kill." Laura is looking elsewhere, thoughtful. "I will head due north, away from our camp so that Blackie can hide the gold."

"Who's Blackie?" Laura asks.

"Apparently Dobbs had a friend with him on that final trek. This Blackie is charged with secreting the gold in an old indian burial ground."

Laura taps his shoulder. "The gold can wait. Right now, I need a little diversion that only the inimitable Remington Steele can provide." He follows her gaze.

Kitty is filing her nails, humming to herself, when Steele crawls up behind her. "Psst!" Kitty keeps humming. "Psst! Miss Dobbs!" he whispers. Kitty turns, surprised.

"What do you want?"

"You knew I'd come," he tells her, smiling.

"I did?"

"Oh, ever since that first day in my office," he tells her, "I've been tormented with visions of us together." He pulls on her jacket. "Come." She crawls into the rocks after him.

Laura uses the distraction to search Kitty's backpack.

Steele takes Kitty into his arms. "From the moment I looked into your Eskimo green eyes-" He pauses, looks again. "Your Eskimo brown eyes, I-" he pauses again. "Your one green eye, your one brown eye -" Kitty is frightened. "That green contact lens was yours," he accuses. She breaks away, coming up with a knife. "You dropped it in the saloon." Kitty rushes toward him, arm raised, but Steele stops her, grabbing her again. "That's an unusual genetic trait you have," he says, getting the knife from her. "The journal speaks of someone with one green eye and one brown eye."

"All right! I'm not Arnold Dobbs' daughter. I'm Dan Curtain's daughter and I want revenge on the person who killed my father!"

"Lou Cody, perhaps?" Steele questions.

"NO. All I found in that saloon was a pool of blood."

Sylvia yells from the campsite. "Help! Theif!" He looks to see Sylvia and Felix struggling over the journal.

Steele rushes to her rescue, breaking them up. Sylvia pulls the journal to her as Steele and Felix face off. Felix hits Steele, Steele hits back, bloodying Felix's nose. Steele takes off his hat, and Felix lands another punch, that sends Steele back - into Murphy's arms. With a smile, Murphy pushes Steele back into the fray. Felix strikes again, and again Murphy catches Steele. When he attempts to toss Steele back again, Steele turns on him, and Murphy turns and walks away, watching as Steele fights Felix.

They end up on the ground, rolling toward the fire. "Watch the food!" Laura warns, picking up the coffee pot and pan as the two men roll back and forth over the fire. They get to their feet, and Felix hits Steele, sending him into the utensils, and they start the fight at the mules, causing them to bolt and run away when the line comes loose. Finally, Steele hits Felix, and he stays down.

Laura comes up to Steele. "Epic battle, Mr. Steele," she declares.

"Yes, it was rather John Wayneish, wasn't it?" he asks, his cheek bloody, his lip split. Laura laughs.

"Congratulations, Duke," Murphy says. "You just managed to destroy the entire camp, chase away the pack animals, and lose all the supplies."

"Oh. Well, then, it appears I've done all I can for this evening. I think I'll turn in, ey?" Steele declares, placing an arm around Laura's shoulders, taking her with him back to where Sylvia is preparing the eat her dinner. She watches as Steele sits painfully, joined by Laura. "I wonder what set Felix off like that?" he questions.

Laura gets the backpack. "I was merely reading aloud from Mr. Dobbs journal," Sylvia tells him. "He was reminiscing in the most torrid terms about his Mexican lady friend. Called her his little "sierra tesora. When Senor Murieta heard that, he went quite bananas."

Laura starts trying to clean his wounds. "I'm afraid we'll see more of that as we get closer to the gold," he warns. "Ouch. Where's the journal now?"

"The last place anyone would suspect," Laura tells him. "On Miss Kilbride's gentle person."

"And I'll BLAST the first bugger who tries to get his thieving hands on it," Sylvia announces, getting up and leaving them as Laura and Steele stare after her.

"Her too?" Laura asks.

"Hmm. Eventually the fever infects everyone. Tsk, tsk, tsk." Laura returns to her ministrations. "Don't spit on it, please."

"I'm not," she assures him.

**********

The next morning, Steele and Laura are sleeping in the same bag, when Steele wakes. He looks around, and realizes that everyone else has gone in the night. He sits up, waking Laura. "They're gone." Laura looks around as well. "They're all gone."

"Sylvia too. And Murphy." They hear Murphy's hoarse voice.

"Help! Help!"

They get out of the sleeping bag, not bothering to put on their boots, and follow the voice, finding Murphy shirtless, staked to the ground.

**********

They are walking through the desert, Murphy behind, looking quite the worse for wear, as Steele tells Laura, "Perhaps Murphy should brush up on his Stanislasky. Apparently they didn't buy his performance as the gold crazed traitor."

Murphy collapses. "Water. Water!"

Laura goes back to him. "We all need water, Murphy. Now come on."

"Everybody except him," he says, pointing at Steele. "Look at him! All he wants is the gold!"

"The pressure's too much for you, Murphy," Steele suggests.

Murphy is still on his knees. "To much for me? Don't make me laugh! You want to leave me behind! And keep all the gold for yourself, don't you?!"

Steele turns to Laura. "Laura, I think now would be an appropriate time to seek some shelter."

Murphy gets to his feet. "Canadian Air Force exercises! You watch!" He starts trying to do jumping jacks. "Sugar Ray Lenard!" he says, holding up his fists, "A right, and a left! A right!" He swings, and loses his balance, falling down a hill behind him. Laura and Steele follow.

At the bottom, Murphy blinks, sitting up. He blinks again as he sees Sylvia and Emmett having a glass of champagne. "Champagne?" he asks. They turn to look at him. "Champagne?" he asks again, then collapses.

**********

Emmett rises as Steele and Laura arrive. "I know what you're t'inkin'," he says.

"Uh huh," Steele agrees. "Where are they?"

"I'm not in league with them, sir. I simply went ahead, all by myself, t'scout the lay of the land." Murphy comes to Laura and Steele with the journal. "T'be your- pathfinder, so t'speak, your Hawkeye -"

"He's a liar," Murphy accuses. "I found this on his mule." Steele tries to grab the book, and he and Murphy play tug of war with it until Laura grabs it from both of them, glaring at them.

"I don't understand," Sylvia insists. "When Capt. DeVore came to me in the night, and asked me for the journal, he assured me that Mr. Steele SIMPLY wanted us to be a step ahead of the others."

"And it wasn't stealin'," Emmett insists. "No, no, no. Not when the gold so CLEARLY belongs to Emmett DeVore."

"Oh, sure," Murphy says. "And now I suppose you're going to say you haven't even found it!"

Steele tries to quiet him. "Steady on, old chap. Why don't you just take a snooze in the shade?"

"Why?" Murphy asks. "So you can all go on ahead and find the gold without me?" he asks, clearly gone. "I know you want to bury me out here like a dog!"

"Murphy!" Laura begs, "Please rest! You're not yourself!"

"No! Not 'go get the autopsy reports Murphy' anymore, huh? You think I don't see through your little scheme? I'm wise to you guys! I'm gonna find the GOLD!" he takes off.

"We'd better follow him," Laura says, turning to do that.

"Oh, Murphy," Steele mutters, joining her.

Murphy slips in the sand and falls, his head near a bleached human skull. "Oh my god," he says, terrified. He turns away as Laura and Steele move to inspect the site. He finds a leather pouch which jingles. Laura and Steele stop, watching him. "Dobbs's gold," he says, opening it and shaking the doubloons out onto the sand. "It's mine! It's all- mine!" he realizes that there's not enough of it. There should be more. Steele picks one up, checking it. "Where's the rest of it?" Murphy wonders. "There's gotta be more. This can't be all there is! It's a trick," he decides, grabbing Laura and shaking her. "It's a dirty, rotten, filthy trick!"

"MURPHY! Get a grip on yourself!" she slaps him several times.

Murphy looks at her. "That hurt."

Steele finds a yellowed slip of paper, torn, barely legible. "The last will and testament -" Laura joins him as a confused Murphy looks on. "The benficiary is- Arnold Dobbs?"

"He left his wordly possessions to himself?" Laura questions, looking at the paper. "This isn't Dobbs' will." "'I, Emmett DeVore - being of sound- mind-"

Steele points to the skeleton. "If that's Emmett DeVore, then who's-?" Laura looks thoughtful.

Emmett is drinking from a canteen when Laura calls, "Arnold!"

He stops drinking. "So you're Arnold Dobbs, ey?" Steele asks.

Kitty says, "HE'S Arnold Dobbs?" as she appears over a ridge, accompanied by Felix and McCormick.

"He can't be Arnold Dobbs," Felix insists.

"Arnold Dobbs is dead," McCormick agrees.

Dobbs smiles at Steele. "You're good, Mr. Steele. Really good. I'll give you that."

"I see you lost your brogue, Mr. Dobbs," Laura points out.

"Emmett DeVore was a son of the sod. I, on the other hand, was born in Hackensack."

"Care to explain?" Laura asks.

"We were out here forever. Days were passing, provisons were scarce - the sun was driving us mad. And then we hit upon a plan. Blackie- the REAL Emmett DeVore,- decided to stow the doubloons in an old indian burial ground, while I rode hell bent for leather in a great cloud of dust leading Dan Curtain and Lou Cody on a wild goose chase."

"Then Lou Cody was the second man after you," Laura realized.

"Redneck, we used to called him. He always wore a red bandana around his neck. That man- was relentless."

"And when you escaped these mountains, you kept the name Emmett DeVore, ey?" Steele asks.

"It was sure a hell of a lot safer than being Arnold Dobbs. I mean, they'd NEVER stop looking for him."

"That's what Dan Curtain was trying to tell us right before he died," Laura tells Steele. "Not eighty loons. A. D. Doubloons. A.D. for Arnold Dobbs."

Kitty speaks. "And so you killed my father rather than have him expose your true identity."

"No, child. He only said A.D. because it was such a shock tostill see me alive and kickin'."

Kitty runs down the hill. "Murderer!" she screams.

"No, now, you don't understand.-"

Murphy rushes toward her. "No, no!" he grabs her, whispering, "Don't kill him until we find out where the gold is."

Felix asks, "If you're Arnold Dobbs, then YOU wrote the journal?"

"Yeah."

"Why does it say 'Sierra tesora'?"

"That was a nick name for a - friend of mine that I knew a long, long time ago. It means, 'Moutain treasure'."

"My mother's gringo lover used to call her that." He frowns. "Where were you in '52?"

"Sonoma," Dobbs says.

"Aye carumba! I was BORN in Somona 1952."

"Son?"

"Poppy?"

Dobbs smiles, holding out his arms. "Son."

"Poppy!" Felix says, rushing toward his father.

Kitty, still held by Murphy, sneers. "Some kids have all the luck."

Sylvia is totally confused. "Who ARE all these people?"

Steele joins her. "You see, Miss Kilbride, Kitty Curtain assumed the name of Dobbs in order to seek revenge on her father- Dan Curtain's killer. While Arnold Dobbs took the name of his partner, Emmett DeVore, in order to avoid being killed by Dan Curtain and Lou Cody."

"Thank Heavens YOU'RE who you say you are, Mr. Steele," Sylvia tells him.

Steele laughs nervously. "Well, ordinarily, the sight of a long lost son rushing to his father's bosom might reduce me to strong emotion-" He takes off his hat and uses a red bandana to mop is brow, "however, it doesn't bring us any closer to finding our killer."

"Not to mention the gold," Murphy says.

Laura approaches Steele. "Let me see that bandana."

"That's Lou Cody's bandana," Dobbs tells them.

"Where did you get this?" Laura asks Steele.

He looks uncertain, then points to McCormick. "McCormick's helicopter. I wrapped the injector in it." McCormick remains apart from them.

"Of course," Laura says. "The killer obviously took it from Lou Cody's body, probably to wipe his hands after he searched him for the journal."

McCormick pulls a gun. "So you killed Lou Cody," Dobbs says.

"And my father," Kitty says.

"Why?" Felix wants to know.

"Why else? For the gold. I'm going broke with those facockta computers. You know how much those Italians charge for their lousy satellite? I haven't had a strike in six years. I wasn't about to let this one get away."

"Whoever you had to kill for it, ey?" Steele asks.

"I'm taking the mules," he says. "And the water." Dobbs drops the canteen toward him. "And the journal." Laura tosses the journal to join the canteen. "And that satchel," he tells Murphy. Murphy hesitates. "Now!" Murphy takes it off and tosses it down. McCormick picks up the items. "It will be a long time before anyone finds you up here. By then, you'll just be a bunch of bleached bones." He turns and walks away.

Laura grabs Murphy's arm, whispering, "Murphy! He's got the gold!"

"Gold?!" Murphy repeats, taking off to chase McCormick. Steele follows. McCormick can't fire on two targets, and as Murphy grabs his arm, Steele knocks him down. Murphy grabs the satchel, Kitty makes a grab for the gun.

"You murderer!" she yells, pointing it at McCormick as Laura runs up and grabs the gun, hitting Kitty with a left hook. Kitty falls to the ground.

Steele comes to Laura, helping her up. "Epic battle, Miss Holt."

Murphy throws the satchel down, and goes to grab Dobbs. Felix tries to stop him. "Enough of this stupid detective business," Murphy declares. "Where's the gold?!"

"Okay," Dobbs says. "It's all right, son," he reassures Felix. "Now, if my calculations are right, that indian burial ground is right over that rise." Murphy leads the way up the hill, the others following.

At the top, Murphy is standing there, stunned, as the other join him. Felix frowns, dropping to his knees, exhausted. There's a busy shopping center there. "They built a SHOPPING CENTER over MY gold??" Murphy asks. He starts to laugh a bit manically. The others just stare in shocked disbelief- except for Laura, who, for some reason, is now wearing TWO hats (one is the hat Felix had been wearing), one on top of the other. All she can manage is a tight smile as she looks at Steele, who is laughing as well.

---

Back