You're Steele The One For Me

Transcribed from the Episode Written by:

Lee Zlotoff

---

A Japanese funeral, a picture on a coffin, Shinto monks chanting a death dirge.

 

Laura enters the temple behind Mike Ito, who looks devastated. "I'm so sorry," Laura tells him.

"It doesn't make any sense," Mike insists. "It *can't* make sense-" He sits down. There are three other people in attendance. The first, a middle aged Japanese man, approaches, prays and pays his respects, then leaves. Next, a big, white haired man approaches, looking angry, then departs as well. The third person, a Japanese woman, pays her respects, and leaves, glancing for several moments at Mike.

"Mike," Laura says, "if there's anything else I can do-"

"Just wait here," Mike tells her, rising to go to the coffin.

Laura is sitting, watching, when Steele rushes in, taking Laura's hand and kneeling. "Laura. What can I say? I came just as soon as I heard. Tell me. What it - someone very close to you?"

"What are you *doing* here?"

"A hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, whatever I can give. You mustn't try and block your feelings."

She pulls her hand away. "They're not *my* feelings. Aren't you supposed to be at a Chamber of Commerce luncheon *right now*?"

"Man can only doodle on his napkin for so long, Laura. The speeches were beginning to bore me to death. Oh, sorry."

"That's alright."

"Anyway, I called Bernice and she muttered something about a funeral, and I naturally assumed -"

"Naturally," Laura said, agreeing. "Naturally." Mike speaks in Japanese to the photo of his brother, and Laura tells Steele, "His brother from Japan called to say he was at the airport. But when Mike went to pick him up, he was gone."

"And we agreed to look into it?"

"I told him I thought the police would probably be his best bet, but he sounded so worried, I thought the least I could do was make a few calls-"

"And-?"

Laura nods toward the coffin. "I found him."

"I see."

"Hit by a car. According to the report, he didn't wait for the light and tried to run across traffic on Temple Street."

"And jaywalking claims another grim prize, eh?

"I'm afraid that's all there is to it," she explains as Mike runs to her, angry.

 

"I want to know who murdered my brother!" he exclaims and leaves.

Laura gets up to follow, and Steele does the same, commenting, "But then again, on the other hand, one mustn't jump to conclusions."

They follow him outside, Laura calling his name. "Mike! Mike, hold on!" He stops, with his hands on the limo as Fred watches. "Mike, what are you talking about?"

Mike turns, still angry. "Maybe you don't have a brother who sent you money ever since you were ten! Who set you up in business! Who would drop his job and come running from Japan whenever you called!"

Laura tries to be sympathetic. "I know this must be very difficult-"

"He didn't even tell me he was planning a trip! And then he disappears at the airport -" he looks past Steele to the temple beyond. "And then he's dead."

"But there's absolutely nothing to suggest he was murdered," Laura points out.

"Look! You don't want to take the case? I'll find somebody to do it! Or I'll do it myself!" He starts to leave, but Steele grabs him, stopping him.

"Now just hold on lad. You've just had a terrible shock. You're hurt, outraged, desperately trying to find a way to fight back. Am I right?"

Mike glares at him. "Who *are* you?"

"Go on, Miss Holt, tell him who I am."

Laura looks about to balk, but finally says, "Mike Ito, *this* is Remington Steele himself." Steele looks on smugly.

Mike looks less than impressed. "So?"

"So, I'm personally going to review all the facts myself. But I won't get very far with you crashing about now, will I?"

"I just want to know what happened," Mike says.

"So you shall, so you shall. What say we all go some place quiet where you can give your grief a run for it's money, eh?"

Calmer now, Mike shakes his head. "Thanks, but- I think I'd rather be alone just now."

"Okay."

"Thanks."

"Are you sure?" Laura tells him, "Now, you call us."

Mike returns to temple as Laura and Steele watch. Laura has a sour expression. "Well, you did it to me again, didn't you?"

"I did?" Steele asks, surprised.

**********

Laura is ranting as they enter the offices. "You come barging in, with no facts, no *idea* of what's going on, and then you have the *nerve* to just take over!"

He follows her into her office. "Laura, the man was distraught!"

"I know he was distraught," Laura says, bringing a file out to Bernice's desk. "I can *handle* distraught. I once had to convince a drug crazed killer that I was the Virgin of Guadalupe over the *phone*!" She puts the file down. "I know *all* about distraught!"

Bernice appears, watching and listening.

Steele is fascinated. "He wanted to speak to the Virgin of Guadalupe?" he asks. Laura glares.

Bernice shakes her head. "I see you two found each other all right," she comments, then goes behind her desk.

"You know, the worst part of it is that you left poor Mike thinking we're really going to dig into this thing now." She goes to the file cabinet.

"I merely said we'd go over the facts. Just a way to say that the cat's on the roof and we can't get her down."

Laura frowned. "What?"

"Break it to him gently." He turns to Bernice. "You see, there were these two brothers, one of whom had a cat he dearly loved. Well, one day he decides to go away on holiday and leaves the cat with his brother -" Bernice shrugs at Laura. "A few days later, the brother phones up check on the cat. His name was John, but that doesn't really matter. He said, anyway, "Look, John, I was outside polishing my car the other day-" Murphy came into the office, behind Steele. "And the cat was up on the roof- that was called- Sydney, I believe-"

Murphy speaks. "Am I interrupting here?" Laura whirls.

Steele frowns. "As a matter of fact, you are."

"What is it, Murph?" Laura asks.

He hands her some papers. "Just a copy of the police report on the Kenji Ito accident. But it's very C&D."

Steele grabs the report. "C&D? What's that? Complex and Delicate?"

Laura grabs the paper back. "*Cut* and *Dried*," she explains.

Murphy asks, "Don't you have a Chamber of Commerce luncheonor something to go to?"

Steele frowns as Laura responds, "He ran out of *doodles*, "she tells him, turning toward her office.

 

Steele follows, grabbing her arm and pulling her into his office instead and closes the door. "Before we sling anymore mud at the wall, my dear, you might recall that *I* didn't invent Remington Steele as your superior. *You* did."

"That was before I knew he was going to walk," she says, heading toward her open office door. "And talk." Steele beats her to it, closing that avenue of escape.

"What exactly makes you think that being the flashy front man is exactly the cat's meow?"

Laura turns toward his desk. "Oh, we're back to the *cat* now, are we?"

"Bouncing around the rubber chicken circuit, glad handing a lot of old windbags in order to keep this agency's name in circulation-"

"*Somebody's* got to do it-" Laura points out.

"Not to mention being shot at from time to time, or bashed about by people because they think I know something that you have *conveniently* forgotten to tell me!"

"You function best in a purely advisory capacity," Laura begins.

"Ha! That makes me sound more like an invalid - not a detective."

"You're *not* a detective!"

"Then *teach* me."

Laura stops a beat. "You're not *serious*."

"Does this look like the face of a whimsical man?"

"But-"

"But? But? But, but, but- But *what*? Why don't you *share* your invaluable training? Your *years* of experience? The trained eye of the professional, seasoned in the field -"

"Well, I never thought that you -"

"Well, I *do*."

Laura looks at him thoughtfully. "Well, then, perhaps- when our next case comes up, we'll discuss it further-"

"But we have a case, remember? The accident hyphen murder of Kenji Ito?"

"Kenji Ito was *not* murdered."

"Then it's perfect. A routine investigation done simply to ease the doubts of a grief stricken man. What could possibly go wrong?"

"I'd like to think about that for awhile."

"What for? Afraid I might learn the ropes and climb up by myself?"

Laura can't refuse the challenge. "Get out your notebook."

**********

In the limo, Laura tells Steele, "To begin with, one must first go over all the known facts and see if they present any troubling questions."

"Right," Steele says, getting out a notebook and pen.

Laura eyes him warily. "You know, I only meant 'get out your notebook' as a figure of speech."

"No, no. Excellent suggestion. Wouldn't want to miss anything. Now, as you were saying? For instance?"

"If Mike was Kenji's only relative in town, and he didn't know about the accident until today, then who claimed Kenji's body from the authorities?" she asks, counting with her fingers.

Steele writes. "Who claimed Kenji's body?"

"And who arranged for the funeral?"

"Who arranged for the funeral," Steele says, writing again.

"And what were those other people doing there this morning?"

He starts to write, then stops. "What other people?"

"Before you came three people paid their respects and left. But I'm sure they weren't together, and none of them seemed to know Mike at all."

"Remarkable," Steele says. "The way you can make a routine case just- come alive with mysteries."

"Perhaps the driver of the car that hit him can tell us something."

They arrive at the apartment in a building, and Laura stops before a door. "I think this is it."

"What's the driver's name again?" Steele asks.

"Mr. Hamata. Now, for the purposes of demonstration-"

Steele steps back. "The reins are entirely in your hands. I'll merely stand back," he pulls out the notepad, "and observe."

Laura knocks on the door. "Thank you. Mr. Hamata!" Several other doors open, Japanese faces peering out curiously. "This is Miss Crenshaw from the Renfro Insurance Company!" Steele smiles at some of the watchers. "Mr. Hamata? Mr. Hamata!" She looks at Steele. "No luck. Maybe we should break in and have a look around-" she pulls out her lock kit.

"Speaking purely as an observer," Steele says, "I don't think that would be our wisest move." He nods toward their "audience".

Laura turns to the closest door. "Excuse me, but I'm looking for Mr. -" the door slams in her face. She turns across the hall. "Excuse me, I was wondering if you could help me. I'm looking for -" the door slams.

Steele asks, "Should I be taking notes, do you think?"

Laura takes a deep breath, speaking softly. "That won't be necessary. Just turn as if we're about to leave-"

"Like this?" he asks, joining her in turning away.

"Umm hmm," she murmurs as the door opens. Laura whirls, gets her foot in the door. "Excuse me, but I'm looking for Mr. Hamata and I was wondering if you could help me-" The little woman starts babbling. "The man in that room down there. I need to talk him." Another door opens down the hall, and an elderly Japanese man beckons Steele. Laura continues trying to talk to the woman. "About a car accident-" she makes the sound of two cars hitting each other. "Boom! Car accident!"

Steele taps her on the shoulder, trying to get her attention. "Miss Holt -"

She glances up at him. "Excuse me, I think I'm getting somewhere with this." He nods as she returns to her "interrogation".

The little man is still beckoning, so Steele moves toward him. The little man whispers in Steele's ear. "Really?" Steele says. "Very interesting." The man points to the notebook in Steele's hand, and Steele writes. "When was this? I see. I see. Thank you." He returns to Laura as she's thanking the woman.

"I got something about a big man with white hair, but Hamata himself is a dead end."

"Very much so, I'm afraid," Steele tells her, getting out his notebook.

**********

As she and Steele enter the morgue, Laura is follows the morgue attendant into the room looking unimpressed as she says to Steele, "You *really* enjoyed that didn't you?"

 

"On my word as a gentleman Laura, I never asked that little man to tell me where Hamata was."

 

They stop as the attendant reads looks at the drawers. "Watching me beat myself cross-eyed against the *language* barrier."

 

"On the contrary, I thought you handled the situation brilliantly. After all we got who we were after and I learned something in the bargain."

 

"*Really?* What was that?"

 

"You're an absolute *pip* at charades."

 

"Ah, Hamata" says the morgue attendant pulling a body out from a drawer.

At the morgue, a young attendant wearing stereo headphones pulls a body out. Laura looks at him. "What happened to him?" she asks. The young man beats on the table as if playing the drums. Laura pulls on his headphone cord.

"What?" he asks, pulling them off. "Sorry."

"What exactly did Mr. Hamata-" she begins to ask.

He glances at the clipboard in his hand. "Uh - broken neck. Accidental. Refrigerator door caught him at a bad angle."

"This sort of thing happen very often?" Steele asks.

"You want details? You gotta ask the coroner."

Laura is becoming frustrated. "The other day, a Kenji Ito was brought here and claimed for burial. I was wondering if you could tell me who took him?"

"Two stiffs in two days. You guys are really into this stuff, huh?"

Steele grins. "Just a hobby."

After consulting the clipboard again, the man shakes his head. "Ito. Ito. Musta gone out on the night shift. Dickerson's the man you want on that." He closes the door.

Laura held out a card. "Would you please ask him to call us when he comes in?"

The attendant looked around. "Uh, you know, I got a lady mud wrestler you could have a look at. Fresh."

Laura is now angry. "*No*. Thank you. *Please* just have Mr. Dickerson call us."

He shrugs. "Your hobby." He leaves them.

Laura tells Steele, "First Kenji Ito, and then the driver that supposedly hit him."

Steele agrees. "Hardly C&D."

"More like E&F."

"E and F?"

"Enigmatic and Frightening." She moves away.

"Oh."

**********

At Mike's restaurant, Mike stands behind the counter reading over a file while Steele and Laura sit at the counter watching."He still seems very upset," Laura telsl Steele. "So let's not say we suspect anything just yet."

 

"Whatever you think best, Laura," Steele agrees, still going along with her. "My looking over your shoulder isn't making you nervous, I hope?"

 

"Oh, no, no, no. Watching all this sushi go by just makes me hungry."

 

"Ah. Raw fish, isn't it?"

 

"Have you ever tried it?" Laura asks him.

 

"Well, one has to save some experiences for later in life," Steele muses, clearly not able to appreciate her enjoyment of sushi.

 

"But I always thought a man of your culinary -"

 

Steele cuts her off. "Yes, well, it all seems so desparate to me, rushing all that raw fish into my mouth when a few turns over the coals could have done us both a world of good."

 

Mike is angry as he comes forward. "What the hell is this supposed to mean?" he asks as he hits papers on the counter.

 

"We were hoping you could tell us."

 

Mike turns away and calls out to a restaurant worker in Japanese. He comes around the counter as Steele and Laura move towards a table. "I ask you to find out who killed my brother, and instead you run a check on him?"

Steele tried to reassure him. "Just standard procedure. Ey, Miss Holt?"

Laura says, "When you told us you didn't expect a visit from your brother now, we thought someone in his company, Namu Printing might be able to tell us why he came to the states so suddenly."

Mike points to the report. "But according to *this*, there *is* no such company."

"And he doesn't seem to work for any other printing concern that *we* could find," Steele points out.

"Then where did he get the money for me to start this place?" Mike asks. "What's going on here?"

"I'm afraid the cat's on the roof, and we can't get her down," Steele says.

Mike is confused. "What?"

Laura tries to stop him. "What Mr. St-"

"You see, Mike, there were these two brothers. One of whom had a cat he loved dearly. Well, he decides to go away on holiday and he leaves the cat with his brother-"

Laura jumps in. "What Mr. Steele is trying to say is that the driver of the car who hit Kenji was killed yesterday in a very suspicious accident. Are you *certain* you've told us everything?"

"Wait a minute. You're not accusing *me*, now?" Mike asks, outraged.

"Of course we're not," Steele assures him, then looks at Laura. "Are we?"

"It's just that we think whoever claimed the body and paid for the funeral *must* know something. Now, you're certain you never saw any of those people before who were at the funeral?"

"I already *told* you that. Have I got it backwards, Steele, or aren't I paying *you* to come up with the answers?"

Steele nods. "That *is* the general arrangement."

"When you come up with something on Kenji that makes sense -" Mike tells them, "I'll listen. Otherwise, I've got a business here to run." He turns, rising, to say something in Japanese to a waitress, and leaves.

Laura frowns. Steele comments, "Hardly seems fair, does it?"

"What's that?"

"You holding the reins, me taking the whip?" He grins.

Laura turns away. "I think I'm gonna call the office." She leaves.

In the ladies' room, she gets out a dime and picks up the receiver of the pay phone, only to have the cord yanked out by a big white haired man. "Sorry. It's out of order."

"In that case, thanks for saving me the dime." She hangs up.

"You remember me?"

"Kenji Ito's funeral, wasn't it? But there was such a crowd there, I might be mistaken."

"No mistake, Miss Holt."

"Naming names, are we? Did you bring yours along, or do I have to go looking for it?" He pulls out a wallet and hands it to her. "Craddock, Winslow. Major, Army, Special Intelligence." She returns it to him. "How do I know that's genuine?"

"Use your dime," Craddock suggests.

"Well, you obviously wanted to see me."

"I had that little gun running flea Kenji tight between my fingers. And I only let him go because I knew it would lead to the Palace of Heaven." His death doesn't change that. It's still mine."

"Palace of Heaven. What's that?"

"Come one. Stupid doesn't suit you, Holt. Just give it to me and get out while you still can."

"You trying to tell me this ladies' room isn't big enough for the both of us?"

"I don't like to see civilians get hurt."

"Is that a threat, Major?"

"Consider yourself lucky. If Tenaka had found you first, he'd take a finger. And *then* turn nasty. Dwell on it." He backs out of the room.

Laura raises a hand, only to find it's shaking.

**********

At the office, Bernice tells them, "So far, Major Craddock checks out. But you're gonna have to narrow the Palace of Heaven down for me. I mean, are we talking priceless Jade statue, Shanghai bordello, what?"

"I wish I could tell you."

Steele is thoughtful. "The name seems to ring a gong."

Bernice rolls her eyes. "And we're billing this to an open and shut traffic accident, correct?"

"It's developed a little from that," Laura tells her.

"E&F at last reading, I believe," Steele says. They move toward Laura's office.

Bernice says, "Or QWYA."

"Too soon to tell," Laura says.

Steele is curious. "QWYA? Question Witnesses, Yank Answers?" Bernice shakes her head.

"Quit While You're Alive," Laura explains, coming back into his office.

"Oh."

"I mean it, Laura," Bernice insists. "I don't like this one. Two accidental murders, Army intelligence-"

Steele adds, "And the Palace of Heaven."

"What about our responsibility to the client?" Laura asks.

"Refer him to the advice column in "Soldier of Fortune' magazine."

"We can't *do* that. Not until we've made some *sense* of this."

"Or found the movie," Steele points out as Bernice leaves the office.

"*What* movie?" Laura asks.

"That's the question, isn't it? Are we looking here at 'Enter the Dragon', with Bruce Lee on the trail of illicit narcotics?"

"Craddock did call Kenji a gun runner," Laura recalls as Bernice returns.

"Ah," Steele says. "The Yakuza".

"'The Yakuza'?" Laura repeats.

Steele nods as Bernice eyes widen. "Robert Mitchum, Brian Keith," she recalls.

"Exactly," Steele says. "Warner Brothers, 1975. 'The Yakuza'. Japanese word for gangster. Ruthless code of honor."

"Where do you *get* these films?" Laura asks.

"Drop the case, Laura," Bernice warns. "The only way to apologize to these guys is to chop off your pinkie and hand it over in a handkerchief."

Laura shudders. "Please. *This* isn't getting us anywhere."

"The movie had the same problem," Steele recalls. "Watched it half a dozen times, still couldn't make head nor tails of the plot. 'Palace of Heaven'," he muses. "I wonder if there might be-" he reaches for the phone, but Laura is there first. "Who are you calling?"

"The morgue," she tells him. "We haven't heard from Dickerson and I still have to know who picked up Kenji's body."

"But this is my office," he tells her, then stops as she glares at him. "No problem. I'll use the phone outside." He goes out to Bernice's desk and picks up the phone. "Hello, information? Uh, what city? I'm not sure, really. It's just that the "Palace of Heaven' seems very familiar to me, and I was hoping you could tell me why- What did you say?" He writes something down.

**********

A Japanese samurai film is playing as Steele sits down in a movie theatre. As he watches, the woman from the funeral glances around nervously, then gets up and leaves. Steele follows her, only to be jumped by someone. The two men struggle until his attacker pushes him up against the wall and they see each other's faces.

"Murphy!"

"YOU!"

"I think it's time we let go of each other, don't you think?"

"What are you *doing* here?"

"Working on the case."

"I mean the *real* reason!"

Steele pushes him off, angry. "Well, it *certainly* wasn't to be pummeled about the head and shoulders by you!"

"Somebody followed me down here."

"It looked the other way round from where I sat."

"I got a good description of the girl from the funeral from Laura. I caught up with her an hour ago and I followed her here!"

"You located an Oriental girl down here from only Laura's description?"

"You know, *some* of us do this for a *living*!"

"I'll try and remember that. As it happened, I also remembered that the name of this theatre was called the "Palace of Heaven"."

"So?"

"Kenji Ito was murdered for something called the 'Palace of Heaven'."

"Since when has this meant so much to you?"

"Since I assumed the mantle of Remington Steele."

"The *mantle* of Remington Steele?" Murphy repeats disbelievingly.

"I've realized he's more than one man, Murphy. He's a team. You, Laura, Bernice, and me, of course. We're all part of that team. We're *all* Remington Steele. Together, who could stop us? Now, I say, we go after that girl- and see what she can tell us."

Murphy is stunned, almost speechless. "I don't know. She's long gone. I think I'll- call in."

 

"Alright."

 

He turns, then pauses to look back. "You know, for just a moment there, I had the feeling that we- "

"Yes?"

Murphy shakes his head, as if afraid of what he was thinking. "Oh, no." He turns back to the theatre and leaves.

Steele continues outside, only to find himself held at gunpoint by the girl. "I can't run anymore," she tells him.

"I'm a little short of breath myself," Steele tells her.

"I know you've been following me."

"Well, actually, I-"

"Don't lie to me. I know I am a dead woman. My mother told me, To love a Yakuza is to wish for an early grave."

"So it's true. Kenji *was* Yakuza."

"Don't come any closer," she warns.

"Look, with all respect to your mother, I'm not trying to harm you. Kenji's death was a complete surprise to me. Caught his brother off guard as well."

"Brother?"

"You didn't know about him?"

She shakes her head. "Some trick."

"His name's Mike. Owns a restaurant on Tower Street."

"At the funeral. The man who came and sat in the back row. He-"

"That was Mike," Steele confirmed. "I take it you were there as well."

"I arranged for it."

"I see. So you must have claimed the body too."

"Yes."

"I really thing we're making progress here. Now, tell me. This, 'Palace of Heaven' -"

The girl panicked. "The "Palace of Heaven'? I knew it. You are no different than the rest. Get back."

"Please-" She goes inside. "Wait just one second, please," he begs, but she closes the door.

Out front later, Laura arrives to meet Murphy, asking, "You come up with anything, Murph?"

"I never got the chance, Laura. You gotta keep that guy and his mantle out of my hair!"

"His *mantle*?"

"He screwed up the whole operation, not to mention the fact that I nearly took his head off!"

"Look, I know it's been rough between you two, but I really thought you had better control than that, Murph."

"Laura, come on. You don't mean-"

Steele comes up. "Murphy!" He puts a hand on Murphy's shoulder, all smiles. "Oh, good. You're both here. I just had a tete a tete with the girl."

Laura is shocked. "*You* found the girl?"

"Murphy led me right to her. That's teamwork for you, eh?"

Murphy tosses off his arm. "I don't believe this."

"I wasn't quite sure whether to believe it myself, but it appears that we're on the right track with the "Yakuza'".

Murphy is confused. "'The Yakuza'?"

"Robert Mitchum, Brian Keith, all about the Japanese underworld."

"Ohmigod, he's got you doing it now."

"What did she say?" Laura asks Steele.

"I gathered that she and Kenji were quite intimate, but that he never told her about his brother Mike."

"And the "Palace of Heaven'?"

"Unfortunately, she ran back inside the theatre and disappeared before we got that far. At least now we know who claimed the body."

"We do?" Murphy asks.

"Sort of," Laura says. "I finally got Dickerson on the phone. He's coming by later for a positive ID. But he said it was a Japanese man."

"A *man*?" Steele says. "But she just told me that *she* claimed the body."

"Somebody's lying!" Laura realizes.

"Well, whoever claimed it had to sign the forms," Murphy points out. "What was the name?"

"MIKE ITO!" Laura exclaims.

"Oh, dear, this is beginning to go in circles," Steele declares.

"I think we'd better have another talk with our client," Laura decides.

"Post haste," Steele agrees. He heads toward the limo, Laura to her car. They pause, Murphy in the middle, watching. Finally, Laura turns back to her car and Steele tells Fred, "Take a hike, Fred," and joins Laura.

Laura looks at Murphy, who hasn't moved. "Aren't you coming, Murph?"

"Oh, *sure*. Why not? Who knows, I may even figure out what's going on around here."

At the restaurant, Mike fights off two men and escapes out the door, only to be grabbed by two more men, who drag him down the street as he asks, "What's going on?"

Steele, Murphy, and Laura are approaching the restaurant, Steele saying, "The brother on holiday, calls to check up on the cat, and his brother tells him that the cat is dead-"

Murphy glances up, seeing someone being kidnapped. "Hey! Look at that!" He points it out to the other two.

Laura says, "They're taking him!"

As they start running, Steele calls, "Stop that! You can't do that!" They chase the men, but they're too late. Mike is put into a car and the car speeds away.

Murphy is confused. "What just happened?"

"I think he's been abducted," Steele tells him.

"Who?"

"Our *client*!" Laura says.

**********

At the office, Bernice is on the phone, angry. "Who is this? Would you *stop* saying that? Come on, bub, what is it you *really* want? Oh-" she hangs up as Laura, Steele, and Murphy return.

"Dickerson show up yet?" Laura asks.

"Nope. But I want our number changed," she announces.

"What for?" Laura asks, moving to her office.

"Some creep's been calling every ten minutes for the past two hours, and he just won't quit."

Laura asks, "Is he obscene?"

"Obscene I can handle," she says as Laura comes back out. "But no heavy breathing, no lewd suggestions, just one line, over and over."

"What's that?" Laura asks.

"'You're still the one for me.'"

Murphy looks up. "That's it?"

Steele looks pensive. "It's really a rather nice sentiment, when you think about it."

The phone rings, and Bernice answers. "Remington Steele Investigations." She frowns. "Guess who?"

Steele takes the phone. "I'll handle this."

A Japanese man on a pay phone reads from a card, "You're Steele the one for me."

"Steele here."

"You're Steele?"

"That's right."

"The one for me. Come to three three one half first street."

Steele grabs his pen as Laura and Murphy look on, shocked. "What was that again? Can you tell me what-" The man hangs up. Steele does the same. "Certainly wasn't a touching sentiment."

In Laura's car, he asks, "You're worried about his case, aren't you?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Because when you're worried, you get this little crinkle in your forehead. Right here."

"I do?" She pauses. "You scowl."

"I do what?"

"When you're worried. You scowl."

"Scowl and Crinkle. Makes us sound like a London law firm, doesn't it?"

"They have some excellent ones, I'm told."

"Unmatched." He checks the map. "Just take a right up here."

"Um hmm." She turns into an alley, only to the way blocked by a hot dog vendor. "We have to get-" she starts to back up, but a car pulls in behind them. The cart moves, and she starts forward, only to have that avenue blocked as well. Several Japanese men get out of the car, and the one who made the call speaks them in Japanese before handing them blindfolds. "Tell me something. In this movie, 'The Yakuza' -"

"That was how it started," he tells her.

Laura frowns. "Is my crinkle showing?"

**********

They are delivered to a room with paper walls, their blindfolds removed. Laura looks around. "Who even knew this existed up here?"

"Who *wanted* to?" Steele asks, then stops. "Shhh. Listen." They heard men fighting, in Japanese, swords clashing.

"What is that?"

"Sounds like a movie."

"Are you sure?"

"I think I paid to see it this afternoon. *Twice*."

"Twice?" Laura asks.

"Yes. When I went back in to look for -" a door slides open. "Her." The girl from the theatre smiles, now clad in traditional Japanese garb. She bows.

"A pleasure to see you again, Mr. Steele."

"You mean she was -"

"Kenji's bereaved lover, wasn't it?" Steele asks the girl. "Remarkable recovery."

"What is life, Mr. Steele, but the playing of roles?"

"Your mother tell you that one, too?"

"My father."

"Such a *wise* father."

"Tenaka-san is most anxious to speak with you. Follow me." She leads them down the hall, pausing at a doorway. "Wait here," she tells them, then slips inside, closing the door again.

Steele looks angry, asks Laura softly, "Is there a B&F in our private lingo?"

"What for?"

"Bloody Fool. I didn't find that girl. She found me. I should have known something was wrong right off."

"What do you mean?"

"She obviously works for Tenaka. And right after I *enlightened* her about Mike and his restaurant-"

"He was kidnapped," Laura realizes.

"I led the buggers right *to* him. Damn!"

"There's no way you could have known that-"

"I've never seen you fall for a gob of lines like that."

Laura smirks. "You really mean that?"

"Of course I do. Why else do you think I would ask you to teach me?"

She smiles. "To be perfectly honest, I thought you did it to win the argument we were having at the time."

"I did," Steele admitted. "But I'm learning." The door opens to the reveal a man kneeling before a computer, surrounded by Japanese women. The girl ushers them inside, and Steele looks at Laura. "Give 'em hell, Chief." She precedes him into the room, glancing nervously at the sword carrying guards.

Tenaka turns, rising. "We build these machines to serve us - and instead find ourselves serving them. A profound thought, yes?"

"Profound enough," Laura comments.

"I always like to begin such encounters with a profound. It tends to keep the conversation- constructive. Some tea, perhaps?" he asks.

"How *very* civilized of you," Steele says dryly. They kneel at the table.

"I'm pleased you accepted my invitation. Now perhaps we can settle this without any further-"

"Need for tea?" Steele asks.

"Violence," Tenaka corrects.

"I'm all for a stab at that," Steele assures him.

"A pity Kenji can no longer agree with you," Laura comments.

"Kenji Ito was what is known in our business as a free agent. While managing a business transaction for us, he was captured by your intelligence. And then, just as suddenly- released. A *most* alarming situation."

"So you ushered him into the next life," Steele says.

"No. We merely sought to question him on his extraordinary good fortune. But he fled. Taking with him something of great value to us."

"'The Palace of Heaven'," Laura says.

"One of my most trusted men has already disappeared searching for it."

"What if I said we don't have it?" Steele asks.

"*That* would be most unfortunate. Because then, you would have nothing to trade."

Laura frowns. "Trade for what?"

Tenaka looks at a side door, which opens. Mike is there, bound, forced to his knees by guards. "Steele! What the hell is happening?" What do they want? What are they talking about?!" He leaps toward them, but the guard starts to pull his sword. The door closes.

Tenaka continues calmly. "Kenji must have passed it on to someone before he was killed. But we are now convinced that Mike Ito is ignorant of Kenji's circumstances. You, on the other hand, are Remington Steele."

"That says a lot to you, doesn't it?" Steele says.

"Volumes. Bring me the Palace of Heaven within 24 hours, and I will release Mike."

"And if we don't?" Laura asks.

"Have you never seen a film called 'The Yakuza'?" Tenaka asks.

"I'm afraid I have no time for such diversions," Steele tells him.

"So much killing in it," Tenaka says, rising.

Furious, Laura starts to her feet as well. "I *might* remind you, Tenaka, that you're *still* on American soil!" She finds the blade of a samurai sword right at her neck.

"Miss Holt!" Tenaka warns. "Please. Make no sudden moves. It would be - *most* embarrassing for you to die at my table."

Steele smiles nervously, rises. "Well, we certainly don't want anyone to be embarrassed, do we?"

********

Back at the office, they fill Murphy in on what's happened. "Samurai swords? This guy must put on a hell of a show."

"Hmm," Steele nods. "Terribly convincing."

"His place *must* be above that movie theatre."

"That would explain where the girl disappeared to this afternoon."

Murphy tells Laura, "I think it's time we pick up the phone and call for help."

"No. We send the police in there, and Mike'd get killed before we even got close."

"Poor chap," Steele says, loosening his tie.

"He didn't even know Kenji was leading a double life," Laura points out.

"And now he's smack dab in the worst of it, without a clue," Steele adds.

Murphy stares at him. "I can empathize."

Steele ignores him. "Any chance we can work a trade?"

Laura shrugs. "With what? We still don't know what the 'Palace of Heaven' is."

"But Tenaka doesn't know that," Steele points out.

Murphy looks at him. "You mean set up a swap? And grab Mike before Tenaka realizes we've handed him a bag of hot air?"

"Too risky," Laura insisted. "We don't even know how much hot air to put in the bag. And there's no guarantee he'll let Mike go no matter *what* we give him."

"Doesn't leave us very much room to maneuver," Steele says, pacing.

Laura looks at Murphy, an idea forming. "Unless we start thinking in terms of U and D."

Steele stops. "U and D?"

Murphy shakes his head. "I don't even want to *talk* about it."

"Unique and different?" Steele guesses.

"Why not? What other choice do we have?"

"Just *think* of the risks."

"Uncomfortable and deadly," he tries again.

"We have *got* to get Mike out, Murphy. It's the only way!"

"And who's gonna do it?" he asks, giving in slightly.

"All of us. Together."

"Unified and dedicated?"

"I know you hate to admit it, but when it comes to this stuff, he can be very-"

"Useful and diligent?"

"We still have to come up with a plan-" Murphy argues.

Tired of being ignored, Steele interrupts before Laura can respond. "Excuse me." They look at him. "What sort of plan are we talking about?"

Huddled against the side of a building, Murphy watches as Steele writes in his notebook. "Unexpected and Daring. Got it." He puts the notebook back into his dark jacket.

"I still don't approve of this," Murphy complains.

"Is it *this*? Or me?"

"Don't ask me questions like that, okay?"

"You know, it's not that I don't enjoy our frequent altercations, but since we're stuck with each other, we might *try* to activity to close the gap."

"We don't have very much in common."

"There must be something. What is it you like to do on a brisk Sunday afternoon?"

Murphy laughs. "Sure. I can just see you slapping on some cut offs and shooting some hoops."

"There? You see? I *love* to hunt. But I don't recall ever shooting a 'hoop' before. Is it a very large animal?"

Murphy's smiled vanishes. He glances around the corner. "Come on. It's time."

"Right."

A guard is smoking a cigarette when he hears a man yell and run toward him. Steele appears, out of breath, and turns the man away. "Thank god you're here. Thought I'd never get away in time." The man says something in Japanese. "Oh, I couldn't agree more. But he's the one to reckon with." The guy turns- right into Murphy's fist. "Nice shot old chap!" Murphy starts dragging the guy away as Steele beckons Laura, dressed up like a geisha and caped, and they start upstairs. He glances down at Murphy. "You'll see he's well secured?"

"Don't worry."

Inside, behind the paper wall, Steele uses the point of a pen to put a hole into the walls so he can peek inside. He finds Mike, being held by three other men playing dice. He signals to Laura, who slips out. She removes her cape, then picks up a tea tray and takes it to the room. She places knock out powder in the liquid, then enters the room. Mike tries to take a cup, she slaps his hand away, then when he tries again, she grabs the cup. Mike recognizes her. Laura places a finger to his lips, then smiles before serving the tea to the others.

One, the man who made the call, begins speaking angrily in Japanese to her. Laura, unable to understand, finally turns her head toward Mike. Steele, watching, pulls out his knife, at the ready. Mike, realizing Laura's problem, says, "Get moving! I want some sake too! What are you, deaf?" She nods, leaves, as the men and Mike share a laugh.

Steele lets out his breath in relief, so does Laura once she's out of the room.

Later, two of the men have finished their tea and pass out. The third, suspicious, gets up and goes to the wall nearest Steele, where he sniffs of the cup. Steele's arms come through the paper wall to grab the man, trying to choke him. The man pulls Steele into the room. Mike jumps to his feet. "Steele!" He rushes to help as Laura enters the room with a glass pitcher and breaks it over the man's head. The three of them leave.

Steele whistles, and Murphy pulls up in Laura's car. They all jump in, and he drives them away.

**********

Murphy unlocks the office as Steele, Laura - still in the geisha dress and make-up - and Mike laugh as they walk into the office. As Steele walks in he says, "I say this calls for a celebration, eh Murphy?"

 

"Why not."

 

"I think there is still something in the fridge. Let me get out of this" says Laura as she heads to her office.

 

Mike walks in with Steele, "I wish I knew how to say it, what you guys did for me today, that was really ..."

 

"U and D" says Steele, as he puts his arm around Mike.

 

"Huh?"

 

"Just a little jargon we detectives employ to simplify communications." He walks into his office.

 

Mike follows. "Whatever you call it, thanks".

 

"Ah, all in a night's work hey?"

 

"Sorry if I don't seem more grateful."

 

"Yes, of course. Your brother."

 

Mike nods, "It was tough enough finding out he was dead, with all this yakuza stuff."

 

"Hmm. It's come as a shock."

 

"Right now, the only that seems real to me is you Steele."

 

Steele looks a bit uncomfortable, "Yes, well, we're still trying to fit the last pieces into place ourselves."

 

Laura who has changed and is sans make-up walks into the room as Mike asks, "Tell me the truth, how bad was he?"

 

Laura walks next to Mike, "We only know he was caught in a squeeze between Tenaka and a Major Craddock of army intelligence about something called the 'Palace of Heaven'. Does that mean anything to you?"

 

Mike shakes his head, "Sorry."

 

Steele lifts a glass. "Well, what shall we drink to, then, eh?" he asks.

Laura smiles, looks at Murphy. "Murphy?"

He grimaces. "Teamwork?"

As they click glasses, they hear a noise outside of a door opening or closing and freeze. Steele asks, "Did anyone lock the front door?"

Laura turns. "Quick. The lights." She turns them off, and she and Steele and Murphy lie in wait beside the door in ambush.

The door opens, and Steele and Murphy take the man down. Steele asks, "Alright, I want to know who you are and what you're doing here. And be quick about it."

"I'm Dickerson. From the morgue. You asked me to come?"

"I never asked-"

Laura reaches down to pull Murphy and Steele back. "Yes, you did. Mr. Dickerson. Please." They help him up. "I'm so sorry."

Dickerson shrugs. "I work the night shift. I came over as soon as I got off." He grins at Steele. "Wow. Fact is, I am one of your biggest fans."

Steele is stunned. "Really?" Murphy looks away, sighing.

"Oh, yeah," Dickerson continues. "I follow all your cases. Well, I can't really help it, you know. You're a source."

Murphy frowns. "You mean of - bodies?"

Dickerson nods. "Hey, when Remington Steele gets going, then I know it's time for me to clear the tables and tell my wife not to wait up."

Laura jumps in. "Mr. Dickerson, this is Mr. Ito. He isn't the man who claimed the body, is he?"

Dickerson shakes his head. "No. Never seen him before. But- what was the deceased's name, again?"

Laura turns to Mike. "Mike, do you have a picture of Kenji?"

"Sure," he says, digging out his wallet as Dickerson puts on some glasses. He hands the photo to Dickerson.

"Yes. That's the guy."

Steele frowns. "You mean- the deceased."

"No. No. The guy that claimed him. The deceased was all torn up from the accident."

Laura asked, "Are you sure this is the man who signed for him?"

"Yeah. He said his name was- Mike Ito. Why?"

"Laura," Murphy began, " if *he* claimed the body,-"

Mike was excited. "Kenji is still alive!"

Steele drags Laura aside as the others continue to talk. "Laura, I'm afraid to admit it so far along, but

I'm afraid we're in the wrong movie."

"*What* movie?"

"The Oriental angle threw us right off."

"What are you *talking* about?"

"'The Third Man'," he explained. "Orson Welles plays a ruthless dealer in the black market who fakes his own death in order to avoid pursuit by the police. Only his good friend, Joseph Cotten doesn't believe it was an accident and begins digging to find out why Orson was killed."

Mike comes up to them. "If Kenji's alive, I've got to find him!" He starts out.

Laura turns. "Mike, wait. Mike. Mike!" He turns and runs as Laura says, "Murphy, Tenaka's men are out there. We can't let him go alone!" She follows Murphy and Mike.

Steele starts to follow, but finds his path blocked by Dickerson. "Excuse me." He pulls something out of his pocket. "I know that this is a bad time, but, could you do me a favor and autograph this death certificate for me?" Steele takes it, looking around the corner. "Just something simple, like 'To my good friend, Dickie"-" Steele stuffs the paper back into his hands and turns to follow the others. "Mr. Steele-"

**********

As the Rabbit pulls up to the temple, Murphy asks, "Think he could be here?"

"If he staged his own death, he'd have to know who turned up for the funeral," Laura points out. She, Mike and Steele get out.

Steele adds, "And find a safe place to lay low."

"Besides," Murphy says, "we've already *been* everywhere else."

Steele turns to Murphy. "Oh, Murphy, would you-"

"Don't you worry. I'll shoot any wild hoops that happen along."

Laura pauses. "What?"

Murphy shakes his head and she follows Steele and Mike into the temple, where they find Craddock sitting in a pew. Steele puts a hand on his shoulder, and the man starts falling over. "Pardon me, I don't mean to disrupt your reverie, but have you seen by chance-" He falls over. Steele checks his pulse. "Mike, this can't be-"

"I don't know who it is," Mike tells him."

"It's Major Craddock," Laura informs them. "I take it he's-"

"Let's just say that Dickerson won't be disappointed."

A voice comes from the front of the temple. "You shouldn't have come." All three turn in that direction. Mike searches the shadows.

"Kenji?"

Kenji Ito comes into view on the altar. "But then, it's really my fault. I worked so hard all those years to earn your respect. I should have known you could not easily accept my death."

"You've been- Yakuza- all this time?" Mike asks.

"I saw no reason for you to carry my shame," Kenji tells him. "Away from me, in this country, you could have a decent life. A life with honor."

Mike is still in shock. "And I never would have known the truth."

"But- Craddock caught me, a few months ago. I told him nothing, but he released me, and spread the word that I had talked. I knew then that Tenaka couldn't let me live. That's why I stole the computer code that details their whole operation in Japan."

Laura understands. "The Palace of Heaven."

Kenji brings out a computer disk. "Doesn't look like a 'Palace of Heaven', does it?" I thought, maybe, I could trade it in for my freedom. But when I called you at the airport, I spotted one of Tenaka's men following me, and ran."

"But he caught up with you," Laura comments.

"On Temple Street. We struggled, I pushed him in front of a car. That's when I saw a way out."

Steele says, "So you gave him your identification and staged your own funeral."

"Nobody hunts for a dead man, " Kenji says. "Nobody, that is, except Remington Steele. When Tenaka and the others found that you were involved, I knew they wouldn't let up. Especially Craddock."

Laura frowned. "So you killed him."

"He left me no choice. This way, Tenaka will know that I did not betray him and would not seek revenge on Mike."

"But - you still have the code, " Steele points out.

"You will keep it now. To insure my brother's continued safety. Tenaka knows that you are a man of honor." He gives the disk to Steele. "He is wise enough not to challenge the blade of Remington Steele."

"I'm afraid we're still going to have to call the police," Laura tells him.

"I've already called them. They should be here shortly." He turns to Mike. "You know, Mike, I dreamed, one day, to leave the Yakuza, and join you in business. The dream now has only a few remaining minutes of freedom. Now that you know the truth-"

Mike nods. "Come on." They turn toward the altar as Laura and Steele watch.

Laura is pensive. "You know, this is really a *very* sad way for things to end."

"Not really," Steele points out. "In 'The Third Man', Joseph Cotten killed Orson Welles."

**********

Later, at Mike's restaurant, Laura is eating and Steele asks, "So, who was buried in Kenji's place?"

"The Yakuza that Tenaka said was missing."

"I see. And Hamata? The driver of the car that hit him?"

"Craddock killed him," Laura says. "He was the big man with white hair that the old woman described to us when we went to Hamata? Craddock thought he was Yakuza as well."

"Another poor unfortunate, caught in the web of deception," Steele comments.

Laura points to the food before him. "You know, you promised me you'd try at least one."

Steele looks uncertainly at the food as he picks up his chopsticks. "Yes, well, I was hoping you wouldn't remember that."

"It's all part of the training program," she assures him.

"Actually, I've been feeling the urge to become a flashy front man again."

"Come on," Laura cajoles. "It's good for you. Pure protein. There's tuna, sea bass, yellow tail -"

Steele picks one up. "I suppose this doesn't look too difficult. What is it?" he asks, popping it into his mouth as Laura answers.

"Octopus."

Steele spits it out, then downs his tea. "I never finished telling you about the cat on the roof, did I? You see, there were these two brothers, one of whom had a cat that he loved very much.--"

Laura laughs.

THE END

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