Steele The One For Me
from the Episode Written by:
- Lee Zlotoff
A Japanese funeral, a picture on a coffin,
Shinto monks chanting a death dirge.
- Laura enters the temple behind Mike
Ito, who looks devastated. "I'm so sorry," Laura tells
"It doesn't make any sense," Mike insists. "It
*can't* make sense-" He sits down. There are three other
people in attendance. The first, a middle aged Japanese man,
approaches, prays and pays his respects, then leaves. Next, a
big, white haired man approaches, looking angry, then departs
as well. The third person, a Japanese woman, pays her respects,
and leaves, glancing for several moments at Mike.
"Mike," Laura says, "if there's anything else
I can do-"
"Just wait here," Mike tells her, rising to go to the
Laura is sitting, watching, when Steele rushes in, taking Laura's
hand and kneeling. "Laura. What can I say? I came just as
soon as I heard. Tell me. What it - someone very close to you?"
"What are you *doing* here?"
"A hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, whatever I can give.
You mustn't try and block your feelings."
She pulls her hand away. "They're not *my* feelings. Aren't
you supposed to be at a Chamber of Commerce luncheon *right now*?"
"Man can only doodle on his napkin for so long, Laura. The
speeches were beginning to bore me to death. Oh, sorry."
"Anyway, I called Bernice and she muttered something about
a funeral, and I naturally assumed -"
"Naturally," Laura said, agreeing. "Naturally."
Mike speaks in Japanese to the photo of his brother, and Laura
tells Steele, "His brother from Japan called to say he was
at the airport. But when Mike went to pick him up, he was gone."
"And we agreed to look into it?"
"I told him I thought the police would probably be his best
bet, but he sounded so worried, I thought the least I could do
was make a few calls-"
Laura nods toward the coffin. "I found him."
"Hit by a car. According to the report, he didn't wait for
the light and tried to run across traffic on Temple Street."
"And jaywalking claims another grim prize, eh?
"I'm afraid that's all there is to it," she explains
as Mike runs to her, angry.
- "I want to know who murdered
my brother!" he exclaims and leaves.
Laura gets up to follow, and Steele does the same, commenting,
"But then again, on the other hand, one mustn't jump to
They follow him outside, Laura calling his name. "Mike!
Mike, hold on!" He stops, with his hands on the limo as
Fred watches. "Mike, what are you talking about?"
Mike turns, still angry. "Maybe you don't have a brother
who sent you money ever since you were ten! Who set you up in
business! Who would drop his job and come running from Japan
whenever you called!"
Laura tries to be sympathetic. "I know this must be very
"He didn't even tell me he was planning a trip! And then
he disappears at the airport -" he looks past Steele to
the temple beyond. "And then he's dead."
"But there's absolutely nothing to suggest he was murdered,"
Laura points out.
"Look! You don't want to take the case? I'll find somebody
to do it! Or I'll do it myself!" He starts to leave, but
Steele grabs him, stopping him.
"Now just hold on lad. You've just had a terrible shock.
You're hurt, outraged, desperately trying to find a way to fight
back. Am I right?"
Mike glares at him. "Who *are* you?"
"Go on, Miss Holt, tell him who I am."
Laura looks about to balk, but finally says, "Mike Ito,
*this* is Remington Steele himself." Steele looks on smugly.
Mike looks less than impressed. "So?"
"So, I'm personally going to review all the facts myself.
But I won't get very far with you crashing about now, will I?"
"I just want to know what happened," Mike says.
"So you shall, so you shall. What say we all go some place
quiet where you can give your grief a run for it's money, eh?"
Calmer now, Mike shakes his head. "Thanks, but- I think
I'd rather be alone just now."
"Are you sure?" Laura tells him, "Now, you call
Mike returns to temple as Laura and Steele watch. Laura has a
sour expression. "Well, you did it to me again, didn't you?"
"I did?" Steele asks, surprised.
Laura is ranting as they enter the offices. "You come barging
in, with no facts, no *idea* of what's going on, and then you
have the *nerve* to just take over!"
He follows her into her office. "Laura, the man was distraught!"
"I know he was distraught," Laura says, bringing a
file out to Bernice's desk. "I can *handle* distraught.
I once had to convince a drug crazed killer that I was the Virgin
of Guadalupe over the *phone*!" She puts the file down.
"I know *all* about distraught!"
Bernice appears, watching and listening.
Steele is fascinated. "He wanted to speak to the Virgin
of Guadalupe?" he asks. Laura glares.
Bernice shakes her head. "I see you two found each other
all right," she comments, then goes behind her desk.
"You know, the worst part of it is that you left poor Mike
thinking we're really going to dig into this thing now."
She goes to the file cabinet.
"I merely said we'd go over the facts. Just a way to say
that the cat's on the roof and we can't get her down."
Laura frowned. "What?"
"Break it to him gently." He turns to Bernice. "You
see, there were these two brothers, one of whom had a cat he
dearly loved. Well, one day he decides to go away on holiday
and leaves the cat with his brother -" Bernice shrugs at
Laura. "A few days later, the brother phones up check on
the cat. His name was John, but that doesn't really matter. He
said, anyway, "Look, John, I was outside polishing my car
the other day-" Murphy came into the office, behind Steele.
"And the cat was up on the roof- that was called- Sydney,
Murphy speaks. "Am I interrupting here?" Laura whirls.
Steele frowns. "As a matter of fact, you are."
"What is it, Murph?" Laura asks.
He hands her some papers. "Just a copy of the police report
on the Kenji Ito accident. But it's very C&D."
Steele grabs the report. "C&D? What's that? Complex
Laura grabs the paper back. "*Cut* and *Dried*," she
Murphy asks, "Don't you have a Chamber of Commerce luncheonor
something to go to?"
Steele frowns as Laura responds, "He ran out of *doodles*,
"she tells him, turning toward her office.
- Steele follows, grabbing her arm
and pulling her into his office instead and closes the door.
"Before we sling anymore mud at the wall, my dear, you might
recall that *I* didn't invent Remington Steele as your superior.
"That was before I knew he was going to walk," she
says, heading toward her open office door. "And talk."
Steele beats her to it, closing that avenue of escape.
"What exactly makes you think that being the flashy front
man is exactly the cat's meow?"
Laura turns toward his desk. "Oh, we're back to the *cat*
now, are we?"
"Bouncing around the rubber chicken circuit, glad handing
a lot of old windbags in order to keep this agency's name in
"*Somebody's* got to do it-" Laura points out.
"Not to mention being shot at from time to time, or bashed
about by people because they think I know something that you
have *conveniently* forgotten to tell me!"
"You function best in a purely advisory capacity,"
"Ha! That makes me sound more like an invalid - not a detective."
"You're *not* a detective!"
"Then *teach* me."
Laura stops a beat. "You're not *serious*."
"Does this look like the face of a whimsical man?"
"But? But? But, but, but- But *what*? Why don't you *share*
your invaluable training? Your *years* of experience? The trained
eye of the professional, seasoned in the field -"
"Well, I never thought that you -"
"Well, I *do*."
Laura looks at him thoughtfully. "Well, then, perhaps- when
our next case comes up, we'll discuss it further-"
"But we have a case, remember? The accident hyphen murder
of Kenji Ito?"
"Kenji Ito was *not* murdered."
"Then it's perfect. A routine investigation done simply
to ease the doubts of a grief stricken man. What could possibly
"I'd like to think about that for awhile."
"What for? Afraid I might learn the ropes and climb up by
Laura can't refuse the challenge. "Get out your notebook."
In the limo, Laura tells Steele, "To begin with, one must
first go over all the known facts and see if they present any
"Right," Steele says, getting out a notebook and pen.
Laura eyes him warily. "You know, I only meant 'get out
your notebook' as a figure of speech."
"No, no. Excellent suggestion. Wouldn't want to miss anything.
Now, as you were saying? For instance?"
"If Mike was Kenji's only relative in town, and he didn't
know about the accident until today, then who claimed Kenji's
body from the authorities?" she asks, counting with her
Steele writes. "Who claimed Kenji's body?"
"And who arranged for the funeral?"
"Who arranged for the funeral," Steele says, writing
"And what were those other people doing there this morning?"
He starts to write, then stops. "What other people?"
"Before you came three people paid their respects and left.
But I'm sure they weren't together, and none of them seemed to
know Mike at all."
"Remarkable," Steele says. "The way you can make
a routine case just- come alive with mysteries."
"Perhaps the driver of the car that hit him can tell us
They arrive at the apartment in a building, and Laura stops before
a door. "I think this is it."
"What's the driver's name again?" Steele asks.
"Mr. Hamata. Now, for the purposes of demonstration-"
Steele steps back. "The reins are entirely in your hands.
I'll merely stand back," he pulls out the notepad, "and
Laura knocks on the door. "Thank you. Mr. Hamata!"
Several other doors open, Japanese faces peering out curiously.
"This is Miss Crenshaw from the Renfro Insurance Company!"
Steele smiles at some of the watchers. "Mr. Hamata? Mr.
Hamata!" She looks at Steele. "No luck. Maybe we should
break in and have a look around-" she pulls out her lock
"Speaking purely as an observer," Steele says, "I
don't think that would be our wisest move." He nods toward
Laura turns to the closest door. "Excuse me, but I'm looking
for Mr. -" the door slams in her face. She turns across
the hall. "Excuse me, I was wondering if you could help
me. I'm looking for -" the door slams.
Steele asks, "Should I be taking notes, do you think?"
Laura takes a deep breath, speaking softly. "That won't
be necessary. Just turn as if we're about to leave-"
"Like this?" he asks, joining her in turning away.
"Umm hmm," she murmurs as the door opens. Laura whirls,
gets her foot in the door. "Excuse me, but I'm looking for
Mr. Hamata and I was wondering if you could help me-" The
little woman starts babbling. "The man in that room down
there. I need to talk him." Another door opens down the
hall, and an elderly Japanese man beckons Steele. Laura continues
trying to talk to the woman. "About a car accident-"
she makes the sound of two cars hitting each other. "Boom!
Steele taps her on the shoulder, trying to get her attention.
"Miss Holt -"
She glances up at him. "Excuse me, I think I'm getting somewhere
with this." He nods as she returns to her "interrogation".
The little man is still beckoning, so Steele moves toward him.
The little man whispers in Steele's ear. "Really?"
Steele says. "Very interesting." The man points to
the notebook in Steele's hand, and Steele writes. "When
was this? I see. I see. Thank you." He returns to Laura
as she's thanking the woman.
"I got something about a big man with white hair, but Hamata
himself is a dead end."
"Very much so, I'm afraid," Steele tells her, getting
out his notebook.
- As she and Steele
enter the morgue, Laura is follows the morgue attendant into
the room looking unimpressed as she says to Steele, "You
*really* enjoyed that didn't you?"
- "On my word
as a gentleman Laura, I never asked that little man to tell me
where Hamata was."
- They stop as the
attendant reads looks at the drawers. "Watching me beat
myself cross-eyed against the *language* barrier."
- "On the contrary,
I thought you handled the situation brilliantly. After all we
got who we were after and I learned something in the bargain."
What was that?"
- "You're an
absolute *pip* at charades."
- "Ah, Hamata" says the
morgue attendant pulling a body out from a drawer.
At the morgue, a young attendant wearing stereo headphones pulls
a body out. Laura looks at him. "What happened to him?"
she asks. The young man beats on the table as if playing the
drums. Laura pulls on his headphone cord.
"What?" he asks, pulling them off. "Sorry."
"What exactly did Mr. Hamata-" she begins to ask.
He glances at the clipboard in his hand. "Uh - broken neck.
Accidental. Refrigerator door caught him at a bad angle."
"This sort of thing happen very often?" Steele asks.
"You want details? You gotta ask the coroner."
Laura is becoming frustrated. "The other day, a Kenji Ito
was brought here and claimed for burial. I was wondering if you
could tell me who took him?"
"Two stiffs in two days. You guys are really into this stuff,
Steele grins. "Just a hobby."
After consulting the clipboard again, the man shakes his head.
"Ito. Ito. Musta gone out on the night shift. Dickerson's
the man you want on that." He closes the door.
Laura held out a card. "Would you please ask him to call
us when he comes in?"
The attendant looked around. "Uh, you know, I got a lady
mud wrestler you could have a look at. Fresh."
Laura is now angry. "*No*. Thank you. *Please* just have
Mr. Dickerson call us."
He shrugs. "Your hobby." He leaves them.
Laura tells Steele, "First Kenji Ito, and then the driver
that supposedly hit him."
Steele agrees. "Hardly C&D."
"More like E&F."
"E and F?"
"Enigmatic and Frightening." She moves away.
At Mike's restaurant, Mike
stands behind the counter reading over a file while Steele and
Laura sit at the counter watching."He still seems very upset,"
Laura telsl Steele. "So let's not say we suspect anything
- "Whatever you
think best, Laura," Steele agrees, still going along with
her. "My looking over your shoulder isn't making you nervous,
- "Oh, no, no,
no. Watching all this sushi go by just makes me hungry."
- "Ah. Raw fish,
- "Have you ever
tried it?" Laura asks him.
- "Well, one
has to save some experiences for later in life," Steele
muses, clearly not able to appreciate her enjoyment of sushi.
- "But I always
thought a man of your culinary -"
- Steele cuts her
off. "Yes, well, it all seems so desparate to me, rushing
all that raw fish into my mouth when a few turns over the coals
could have done us both a world of good."
- Mike is angry as
he comes forward. "What the hell is this supposed to mean?"
he asks as he hits papers on the counter.
- "We were hoping
you could tell us."
- Mike turns away
and calls out to a restaurant worker in Japanese. He comes around
the counter as Steele and Laura move towards a table. "I ask you to find out who killed my
brother, and instead you run a check on him?"
Steele tried to reassure him. "Just standard procedure.
Ey, Miss Holt?"
Laura says, "When you told us you didn't expect a visit
from your brother now, we thought someone in his company, Namu
Printing might be able to tell us why he came to the states so
Mike points to the report. "But according to *this*, there
*is* no such company."
"And he doesn't seem to work for any other printing concern
that *we* could find," Steele points out.
"Then where did he get the money for me to start this place?"
Mike asks. "What's going on here?"
"I'm afraid the cat's on the roof, and we can't get her
down," Steele says.
Mike is confused. "What?"
Laura tries to stop him. "What Mr. St-"
"You see, Mike, there were these two brothers. One of whom
had a cat he loved dearly. Well, he decides to go away on holiday
and he leaves the cat with his brother-"
Laura jumps in. "What Mr. Steele is trying to say is that
the driver of the car who hit Kenji was killed yesterday in a
very suspicious accident. Are you *certain* you've told us everything?"
"Wait a minute. You're not accusing *me*, now?" Mike
"Of course we're not," Steele assures him, then looks
at Laura. "Are we?"
"It's just that we think whoever claimed the body and paid
for the funeral *must* know something. Now, you're certain you
never saw any of those people before who were at the funeral?"
"I already *told* you that. Have I got it backwards, Steele,
or aren't I paying *you* to come up with the answers?"
Steele nods. "That *is* the general arrangement."
"When you come up with something on Kenji that makes sense
-" Mike tells them, "I'll listen. Otherwise, I've got
a business here to run." He turns, rising, to say something
in Japanese to a waitress, and leaves.
Laura frowns. Steele comments, "Hardly seems fair, does
"You holding the reins, me taking the whip?" He grins.
Laura turns away. "I think I'm gonna call the office."
In the ladies' room, she gets out a dime and picks up the receiver
of the pay phone, only to have the cord yanked out by a big white
haired man. "Sorry. It's out of order."
"In that case, thanks for saving me the dime." She
"You remember me?"
"Kenji Ito's funeral, wasn't it? But there was such a crowd
there, I might be mistaken."
"No mistake, Miss Holt."
"Naming names, are we? Did you bring yours along, or do
I have to go looking for it?" He pulls out a wallet and
hands it to her. "Craddock, Winslow. Major, Army, Special
Intelligence." She returns it to him. "How do I know
"Use your dime," Craddock suggests.
"Well, you obviously wanted to see me."
"I had that little gun running flea Kenji tight between
my fingers. And I only let him go because I knew it would lead
to the Palace of Heaven." His death doesn't change that.
It's still mine."
"Palace of Heaven. What's that?"
"Come one. Stupid doesn't suit you, Holt. Just give it to
me and get out while you still can."
"You trying to tell me this ladies' room isn't big enough
for the both of us?"
- "I don't like to see civilians
- "Is that a threat, Major?"
- "Consider yourself lucky. If
Tenaka had found you first, he'd take a finger. And *then* turn
nasty. Dwell on it." He backs out of the room.
- Laura raises a hand, only to find
At the office, Bernice tells them, "So far, Major Craddock
checks out. But you're gonna have to narrow the Palace of Heaven
down for me. I mean, are we talking priceless Jade statue, Shanghai
- "I wish I could tell you."
- Steele is thoughtful. "The
name seems to ring a gong."
- Bernice rolls her eyes. "And
we're billing this to an open and shut traffic accident, correct?"
- "It's developed a little from
that," Laura tells her.
- "E&F at last reading, I
believe," Steele says. They move toward Laura's office.
- Bernice says, "Or QWYA."
- "Too soon to tell," Laura
- Steele is curious. "QWYA? Question
Witnesses, Yank Answers?" Bernice shakes her head.
- "Quit While You're Alive,"
Laura explains, coming back into his office.
- "I mean it, Laura," Bernice
insists. "I don't like this one. Two accidental murders,
- Steele adds, "And the Palace
- "What about our responsibility
to the client?" Laura asks.
- "Refer him to the advice column
in "Soldier of Fortune' magazine."
- "We can't *do* that. Not until
we've made some *sense* of this."
- "Or found the movie,"
Steele points out as Bernice leaves the office.
- "*What* movie?" Laura
- "That's the question, isn't
it? Are we looking here at 'Enter the Dragon', with Bruce Lee
on the trail of illicit narcotics?"
- "Craddock did call Kenji a
gun runner," Laura recalls as Bernice returns.
- "Ah," Steele says. "The
- "'The Yakuza'?" Laura
- Steele nods as Bernice eyes widen.
"Robert Mitchum, Brian Keith," she recalls.
- "Exactly," Steele says.
"Warner Brothers, 1975. 'The Yakuza'. Japanese word for
gangster. Ruthless code of honor."
"Where do you *get* these films?" Laura asks.
- "Drop the case, Laura,"
Bernice warns. "The only way to apologize to these guys
is to chop off your pinkie and hand it over in a handkerchief."
- Laura shudders. "Please. *This*
isn't getting us anywhere."
- "The movie had the same problem,"
Steele recalls. "Watched it half a dozen times, still couldn't
make head nor tails of the plot. 'Palace of Heaven'," he
muses. "I wonder if there might be-" he reaches for
the phone, but Laura is there first. "Who are you calling?"
- "The morgue," she tells
him. "We haven't heard from Dickerson and I still have to
know who picked up Kenji's body."
- "But this is my office,"
he tells her, then stops as she glares at him. "No problem.
I'll use the phone outside." He goes out to Bernice's desk
and picks up the phone. "Hello, information? Uh, what city?
I'm not sure, really. It's just that the "Palace of Heaven'
seems very familiar to me, and I was hoping you could tell me
why- What did you say?" He writes something down.
A Japanese samurai film is playing as Steele sits down in a movie
theatre. As he watches, the woman from the funeral glances around
nervously, then gets up and leaves. Steele follows her, only
to be jumped by someone. The two men struggle until his attacker
pushes him up against the wall and they see each other's faces.
- "I think it's time we let go
of each other, don't you think?"
- "What are you *doing* here?"
- "Working on the case."
- "I mean the *real* reason!"
- Steele pushes him off, angry. "Well,
it *certainly* wasn't to be pummeled about the head and shoulders
- "Somebody followed me down
- "It looked the other way round
from where I sat."
- "I got a good description of
the girl from the funeral from Laura. I caught up with her an
hour ago and I followed her here!"
- "You located an Oriental girl
down here from only Laura's description?"
- "You know, *some* of us do
this for a *living*!"
- "I'll try and remember that.
As it happened, I also remembered that the name of this theatre
was called the "Palace of Heaven"."
- "Kenji Ito was murdered for
something called the 'Palace of Heaven'."
- "Since when has this meant
so much to you?"
- "Since I assumed the mantle
of Remington Steele."