Elegy In Steele
Transcribed from the Episode Written by:
Brian Alan Lane
Added Dialogue in RED
Thanks, Jan and Roberta!

A helicopter approaches the familiar twin towers, dropping a man onto the roof. As Mildred opens the mail, he enters the building via a roof top entrance.

Mildred opens an envelope, and reads the contents. Her eyes widen, and she glances at the clock on her desk to verify that it's eleven am before grabbing her hat and coat and heading into Mr. Steele's office.

"Mr. Steele, Miss Holt-" Laura shushes her as Steele carefully pours a liquid into a beaker.

"Here's where I always go wrong, Laura," Steele tells her. "I'm sure of it."

"Steady, Mr. Steele," Laura admonishes.

Mildred looks on, frightened. "What's going to happen?"

Steele places a single drop of another liquid into the beaker and looks at her. "I'm going to stir, Mildred."

She backs off a step. "Is that safe, Boss?"

He stirs, then looks at Laura. "All right, Miss Holt." She hands him two glasses containing ice. "Thank you." He puts them on the desk and pours the liquid from the beaker into one of them, beginning to smile in anticipation. Taking a strainer from Laura, he strains the first glass into the second. Sitting back, he surveys the result. Laura holds up a slice of lemon. "Ah. Lest we forget to garnish." He places it on the glass, along with a long stick of some kind, then sits back again.

"You going to drink it?" Laura asks. "Or just- admire it?"

"Five years, Miss Holt. Five years since Sue Akers, an American ex-patriot and rather well known soldier of fortune mixed me a Tropical Itch at her bar on Mykonos. And four five years I've been trying to ferret out the recipe."

"Why don't you just call and ask her?" Mildred wonders.

"Alas, poor Sue ran afoul of the Greek authorities. I'm afraid the Itch died with her." He lifts the glass. "Bonsai, Mildred." He takes a drink, chokes, and then turns to spit it out in the potted plant behind him. "Damn." Laura smiles. "Stirred it a shade too well, I'm afraid. Oh, well, back to the drawing board. Yes, Mildred?"

"Oh. These questionnaires from the State Bureau of Investigative Services arrived in the mail. Now, they have to be filled out AND returned postmarked today. Here they are." Laura studies hers carefully, but Steele glances at his, and then turns his attention back to Mildred and her instructions. "Now, our building postman will pick up his last mail at twelve o'clock. So please remember to fill them out and seal them. The envelopes are attached-and give them to him. I'll see you in a couple of hours."

"It's a little early for lunch, isn't it, Mildred?" Laura questions.

"Lunch, schmunch. I got a hot date."

"Oh," Laura says.

"It's a guy I met at my bowling league," she explains, then leaves, passing the man from the helicopter as she gets into the elevator without noticing him.

He goes to the Agency and opens the glass doors, heading straight for Steele's office, where Laura and Steele and stowing the drink making paraphernalia/chemistry kit in Steele's desk.

"Mr. Steele. Miss Holt. Perhaps you remember me. Major Descoine. I trust I haven't come at an inopportune time?"

Steele smiles warily. "Please, Major. Please do come in."

"Perhaps," Laura suggests, "you'd like a drink, Major, while we're waiting for the police to arrive." Steele picks up the telephone to dial a number.

"Now, don't let's be inhospitable, Miss Holt," Descoine says pleasantly. "After all, I have come of my own free will." Laura motions for Steele to hang up.

"You're a very difficult man to track down, Major," Steele says. "You have given fits to Det. Jarvis and his men these last few months."

"So long as I haven't given YOU cause for consternation, Mr. Steele."

Steele rises to put on his coat. "Oh, none whatsoever. I can honestly say that since Miss Holt and I foiled your attempt to frame me for murder, I haven't given you a moment's thought."

"I'm afraid I'm not here to reminisce. Indeed, I'm here to celebrate an anniversary. Today marks three years since the suicide of my darling Lily-for which I hold you responsible, Mr. Steele."

"All we did was investigate the embezzling scheme which you and Lily Martins were involved in," Laura pointed out.

"And we're truly sorry that she chose to end her life-" Steele says as he joins Laura, "Instead of going to prison."

"I thank you for your pity. But, as I said, I'm here for a celebration. So, why not join in? Seeing as you have no choice."

"You're not a well man, Major," Steele comments. "I really do believe that you need help."

"I'm not the one who's in need of help. For to commemorate Lily's death- I intend to brink about your own- Yours too, Miss Holt. No matter what help you get, no matter where you go, by twelve noon, you'll both be dead. THAT is my promise to you." He steps back, tossing his scarf on the floor, releasing a smoke screen that he uses to make his escape.

Laura and Steel chase him to the elevator, but the doors are just closing on Descoine's smiling face as they get there. Steele beats the metal doors in frustration. "Damn! Damn! Damn! I'm sick and tired of this, Laura. I'm sick and tired of this bugger coming after us whenever he bloody well feels like it!"

Laura nods in agreement. "Let's go after him while the trail is still fresh.

"And his threat to kill us by noon?"

"Noon today, noon tomorrow- what's the difference? The only way to insure our safety is by putting him away once and for all."

He hands her the scarf. "Looks like he tore the maker's label off as well."

Laura examines it. "There's a faint impression here-" She takes off and returns to his office, Steele with her.

"I'll wring his neck," Steele tells her. "That's what I'll do. I'll wring his neck."

Laura gets the lemon they used earlier and squeezes some onto the impression. "Hair dryer," she tells Steele. "Hair dryer."

He gets one from the bath and returns, plugging it in. "Here you go." He turns it on for her to use to dry the lemon juice.

"Okay." He turns it off. "Cigarette lighter?" she asks. He finds his and lights it, letting her hold the scarf over it.

"Here." As he watches the letters begin to form, he grins. "Ah. The wonder of a university education, eh?"

Laura tries to read the writing. "Bel--Bel-Oaks Country Club. Right across the street. Convenient, eh? If he bought this there, maybe they have a record of his purchase. Something that'll help us find him." She takes off.

Steele turns to follow, then hesitates and grabs the agency gun from the desk drawer before running to catch up to her. At the elevator, Laura says, "I just hope he hasn't beaten us there already."

"Umm? Because he's already poisoned us and we're due to die in within the next hour?"

"No matter where we go or what we do, we can't escape? His words."

"If I'm going to die, at the very least I want the pleasure of wrapping my hands around his throat and taking him with me." The doors open. "Come on. Damn the torpedoes."


At the Country Club, Laura asks a man, "Excuse me, how do we get another one of these mufflers?"

He looks at them. "You two members?"

Steele pulls out a ten dollar bill. "We're guest of Mr. Hamilton's."

"I heard his membership lapsed."

Steele pulls out a twenty. "Mr. Jackson phoned ahead to say we were on our way."

"The line was busy all day."

Steele pulls out a fifty. "Stood arm in arm with Grant at Appomattox-" the man reaches for the money, but Steele pulls it back, "who taught me to never surrender without a fight."

"Don't worry. I'll show him a good time." He takes the bill. "Go around to the side. There's a path to the club house. You can't miss it."

"Thank you," Steele says as he and Laura turn away.

The man smiles as they go.

As they stroll purposely through the grounds, Laura comments, "It's awfully pretty out here."

"I'd appreciate it more if we weren't in the process of chasing down a raving lunatic who's trying to destroy my life at the very moment I'm starting to make something of it."

"Funny how we hold back our confessions until we think it's too late for them to hurt us," Laura tells him.

Steele takes her arm to stop her. "For your information, Miss Holt, I was not making a confession. I was merely stating a fact in which I thought you had some interest."

"Well, if we ever get out of this, Mr. Steele, I wouldn't mind hearing some of those FACTS."

"I'll bear that in mind," Steele agrees, looking around.

Laura takes his wrist to look at his watch. "A quarter after. Time flies when you're having fun."

Something ricochets off of a nearby tree, and they drop to the ground.

"FORE!" a middle aged woman yells, then bends down to look at them. "Happen to see my ball?" she asks. Laura and Steele get up as she starts using her club to search for the missing ball. "It must be around here somewhere."

"Dangerous game this gold, yes?" Steele asks.

Suddenly the end of the club is caught in a bear trap, causing them all to gasp in alarm. "Oh, how SHOCKING!" the woman cries. "Why- someone might've been killed! I must speak to the groundskeeper immediately!" she stalks off.

Laura inspects the trap. "That's funny. We're so worried about the Major, we almost step into a bear trap!"

"Come on," Steele tells her. "Let's go." As they walk, Steele asks, "Laura doesn't it strike you as a little bit odd that the groundskeeper for a gold course in the heart of Los Angeles would be laying out bear traps?"

"Not in the least. Many areas of the city are terrorized by large, predatory beasts."

"Are you referring to singles bars?" Steele asks.

"You know, if the Major intends to kill us, he'll have to do a lot better than bear traps."

Steele's attention is caught by something. He frowns in worry and points to where an old man is just finishing engraving two headstones that read "REMINGTON STEELE Died Feb 21, 1984" and "LAURA HOLT Died Feb 21, 1984".

"I suspect," Steele tells her, "he has something more- permanent in mind."

Laura and Remington approach the old man who is working at the bench behind their two headstones.
"Whose ordered those headstones?" asks Remington pointing to the headstones.
The old man turns around,"You'll have to forgive me. My ears you know," he says pointing to his left ear, "I don't hear so good."
Laura and Steele exchange a glance and Remington opens his wallet. "Amazing how a little history lesson can cure the deaf," he says holding up two notes. "Hamilton and Jackson, our two more renowned audiologists."
The man takes the two notes and puts them in his pocket, "Thank you very much." He reaches into another pocket and pulls out a hearing aid, which he places in his right ear and adjusts it. "Much better," he says.

"Now who ordered these tombstones?" Laura asks him.

"Brown haired guy, kinda stocky and- mumbled a lot, too. But m'battery was runnin' down. If you hurry, you can catch him."

"Where?" Laura asks, as she and Steele are already moving.

"He came tight through here and went up that way-"

"Alright," Steele says. "Thank you." They take off, not seeing the old man's smile.

After passing through the golf course, they go over a hill. "This way," Steele tells Laura. Suddenly explosions begin to occur all around them, and they leap toward a pile of dirt, on which a sign rests. The sign reads "DANGER! BLASTING! KEEP AWAY!"

Looking up, they see a man in a hard hat standing there, frowning at them. "What's the matter with you two? Didn't you see the warning signs?

"What signs?" Steele demands to know. "There weren't any bloody signs!"

"Like hell there weren't. The blast knocked that one over, but I know there's one right on top of the hill, right where you two came over." He squints, and Laura and Steele get up, looking as well. "I don't see it right now," he admits. "But it WAS there."

"Why are you dynamiting here?" Steele questions.

"We're extending the golf course. Those're gonna be bunkers."

"Didn't another man pass through here just before we did?"

"Just Descoine."

"Major Descoine?" Steele asks.

"Yeah. Or new blast man. A real demolitions expert. Learned it in the service."

"Where is he?" Laura wants to know.

"Right over there-" he points, then frowns. "He WAS over there. Never can find him when I need him."

"He can't have gone far," Laura tells Steele as they take off again.

They stop at a creek, and Steele says, "He's here. Somewhere. He's gotta be. Just a few seconds ahead of us."

Laura inspects the muddy creek bank and finds a footprint. "Size nine sound about right?"

They follow the creek to a drainage ditch, which flows through two pipes in a concrete wall. "LOOK!" Laura calls out, pointing to Descoine's boots on the bank above one of the pipes. "And his hat!" The hat floats in the water at the entrance to the pipe. "He must have swum through there!"

"Or a trick," Steele suggests. "Who knows how far that pipe goes under water before we can get out?"

"There's only one way to find out, eh?" Laura asks, removing her coat.

Steele frowns, removing his jacket. "Neptune's Daughter. Ester Williams, M-G-M, 1949. Oh, dear. Wait. Wait." He removes his tie and shoes, makes sure he's got the gun, then he and Laura jump into the water and swim into the pipe.

They swim for some ways until they come to a drainage grate. Opening it, they gasp for air. "Don't EVER do anything like that to me again," he tells her.

"Nothing's the matter with a little swim to keep you fit," Laura gasps.

"The next time you invent Remington Steele, give him gills," Steele tells her darkly. "What is this place, anyway?"

"Come on," Laura says, and they climb out.

"My gun," Steele says, checking for it. "My gun."

"You got it?" she asks. He pulls it from his pocket and shakes the water from it. "Soggy."

"A bit damp," he agrees.

Laura sees wet footprints on the floor. "He can't be far ahead."

They follow the trail into a deserted tenement building. Steele keeps the gun ready as they move through the graffiti covered hallways, dodging debris. Laura looks up a set of stairs. "Are we walking into a trap?" she wonders.

"Do we really have a choice?" Steele responds.

They enter an empty, burned out apartment, then hear a door close nearby and rush into the hallway. Deciding it's the door across the way, Steele kicks it open, and they freeze, ready for anything. But they're shocked by the appearance of what looks like a Victorian sitting room, complete with cushions on the tufted velvet sofa and new wallpaper. Laura closes the door and they begin to inspect the room.

Steele goes to the fireplace, as Laura finds to pictures of herself and Steele taken without their knowledge. "You'd better look at this," she tells him.

Steele finds more of the same on the mantle. "Look at this. And this here. What've you got?"

"Look at these?"

Steele tosses one of the pictures onto a chair in frustration. He's been spying on us! That bloody bugger's been followin us all this time!"

"It give me the creeps," Laura comments. Both of them whirl, Steele with gun ready, as another voice speaks.

"Cream, did you say?" From a curtained alcove, a dark haired young woman appears, dressed in a Victorian outfit, carrying a tea tray. "It's right here on the tray." She puts the tray down. "Let's get it while it's hot, shall we?" When they just stand there, staring, she smiles. "I'm so sorry. I feel I know you so well already." She extends her hand. "I'm the Major's daughter."

Steele doesn't move. "We weren't aware the Major had any children."

"Just me." She sits.

"How much do you know about your father?" Laura asks.

Minor Descoine indicates that they should sit as well. "I know that he's wanted. I know that he's a genius- and I know that he's a good man underneath it all."

Laura and Steele sit stiffly, uncomfortable. "Then help us find him before he gets into more trouble," Laura urges.

"Oh, you don't have to worry about my father, Miss Holt. Once he kills the two of you, he's through being a criminal. He promised."

"OH," Steele comments. "Hardly in keeping with the lighthearted spirit of the movie, is it?"

"The movie?" Minor asks.

"The Major and Minor. Ray Milland, Ginger Rogers, Paramount, 19-42."

Minor looks confused, until Laura explains, "Mr. Steele has a great fondness for equating motion pictures with real life."

"Oh. I like the movies. But, Mr. Steele, surely we can think of a better way for you to spend your final moments than trading motion picture annotations. Have some tea." She pours.

"I should have thought poison to be beneath the Major's dignity," Steele comments.

"He told me you'd be suspicious. But I assure you- it's perfectly safe for human consumption." She takes a drink.

"Just the same," Laura says, "we're not particularly thirsty right now."

Steele nods in distracted agreement as he looks around the room. "And it's also possible that you've been ingesting small doses of whatever that poison is in there over some period of time. So that by now you're immune to whatever would kill us."

Minor laughs. "How very droll of you, Mr. Steele. That does sound like something out of the movies. Frankly, if you don't mind my saying so, I can't imagine how you managed to defeat Dad not once but twice. You must be very lucky."

"Luck being the only thing your father can't plan around," Steele tells her.

Minor's eyes harden. "In the long run, it's better to be good than lucky." She shakes her head, once again the fretting hostess. "Oh, the lemon. That's what I forgot." She rises. Is there anything I can get you that you would deign to have?"

"No, thank you," Laura says.

"No thank you," Steele echoes. Once she's back through the curtain, Steele pulls the gun. "Let's grab her. He won't hit us if he thinks his daughter is in danger, okay?"

Laura watches the curtains. From the other side, Minor calls out, "I'm so glad we had this chance to be together."

"Now!" Laura tells Steele, and they rush to the curtains, listening. They hear a sound, and then burst through, only to find the room empty, the only other door locked.

The front door slams, and they run toward it, hearing a roaring sound. Remington opens the door, and finds the hallway lit up with fire.

"Oh, good Lord!" Laura cries, coughing.

Across the flames, Descoine laughs, then is gone.

"Shut the door," Steele tells her.

"The windows!" Laura remembers, and they pull back the drapes to reveal that they windows are bricked up.

Steele removes his vest, stuffing it beneath the door. "Cushions, Laura, cushions!" They're both coughing from the thick smoke. "Come on," he says, taking her arm. "Kitchen. Kitchen." In there, he starts to kick down the door, then stops. "No shoes. Come here."

"Two are better than one," Laura agrees, putting her shoulder to the door along with his. On the count of three, it opens, and Steele finds himself dangling over the alleyway, holding onto the door knob. Laura helps in back to the room, where he sits in the doorway. "Minor couldn't have gone out that way," she tells him.

Steele looks up to see a rope and wood ladder disappearing over the roof top. "Lovely trick," he says, pointing.

Laura looks. "Like father, like daughter."

"Well, we either burn to death, or we jump three floors," Steele tells her, then gets up. "I've got an idea. Come on. Come with me." He leads her back to the other room to the bed. "Get the mattress," he tells her, and they grab the mattress, eyeing the growing fire warily. They take it back to the door, where Steele stands it in the doorway, standing behind it. "Our magic carpet. All aboard!"

Laura grabs his shoulders. "Have you ever flown one of these things before?"

"Of course I have," he insists. "Geronimo!" They fall out of the doorway, the mattress landing in a rubbish pile, softening the landing somewhat.

Laura shakes her head. "Last time I fly coach," she complains.

"Oh, WOW!" Minor says, and they turn to find her peering over the wall at them. "Dad's not gonna believe this one!" She laughs, then lowers herself down to skate away.

Steele sighs. "I know- I know I'm gonna regret saying this, but-Come on!" they get up and scale the wall, chasing after Minor. They loose her a couple of times, but finally spot her going toward the LA river. She enters the drainage tunnel, Steele and Laura in pursuit. By the time they get to the river, however, she's vanished. As they stand there, they hear a small motorcycle, and turn to see Minor speeding away on it.


As they run down a moderately busy street, Laura asks, "What time have you got?"

Steele glances at his watch. "Twenty of."

"Great. Should be so hard to- pardon the expression- kill twenty minutes."

"Are you suggesting-?"

"We've lost the Major's scent AND we're running out of time. Better to go someplace safe- wait til it's past noon-and then regroup with our own plan of attack."

"After what we've been through, do you think we'll find a-a safe place?"

"Sure. There's a little hiding place I used to play in growing up around here."

"Well, he may be following us. We need to find a quick way to cover our tracks." They cross the street against the light as several cars honk.

Laura pauses by a telephone booth. "Hey. Go get us a cab. I'm gonna call home."

Steele nods. "Okay."

Laura goes inside and dials a number. "Hello, Mother? Hi. It's Laura...I didn't realize it was your bridge day. I won't keep you...The weather? It's lovely. How about there?...Oh. I'm sorry. Maybe you ought to move out here...Right. I know. You like it where you are."

Steele whistles for a taxi.

"I'm sure your friends are wonderful," Laura continues. "Who else have you got? I didn't think you needed anybody. You were always so self-reli- You were always so self-reliant...Think how well you handled Dad's leaving...I meant it as a compliment. There's nothing wrong with trying to handle adversity well- I try to do that-"

Steele is waiting at the taxi, the door open, beckoning her. "Just a moment," he tells the driver.

"Right. Okay, okay. Go get the bell. . . No, no, I'm fine. . .Really. Nothing could be better . . .Right, right. Go. Call when you get the chance? Bye!" She hangs up and stands there for a moment before joining Steele. He gets in after her and closes the door. The taxi takes off. "Head for the channel, please."

Behind it, Minor follows on her motorcycle.

Steele looks at Laura's somber face. "How's your mother?"

"They're having lousy weather back there."

"Well, they always do this time of year, don't they?" he notices that she crying and puts an arm around her. "here."

"I'm not crying because I'm afraid to die. I'm crying because there have been too many things in my life which have been out of my control."

"I have the same grievance myself and then," Steele agrees.

"Don't you realize that if it were left to me, I would make everything right for everyone?"

"And if it were up to me, I would leave it up to you."

"You're just saying that to make me stop crying."

"It worked, didn't it? Look, Laura, there are two ways to go through life: Like you, the Mathematics Student-expecting to find your universe in perfect working order. Demanding too much of yourself- AND everyone around you- finding yourself disappointed at every turn. Or, like me, The Wanderer. Entitled to nothing, not even parents. Finding myself pleasantly surprised when something goes right, or somebody pats me on the back instead of kicking me in the teeth."

"Then where do you get the strength to try when you don't think you'll succeed?"

"And where do you find the strength to pick yourself up time and time again when you let yourself down?"

"I believe in myself," Laura tells him.

"And I believe in whoever I am at the moment. And, when that doesn't work anymore, I become someone else."

"Teach me that, will you? And then maybe we can run away from all this madness."

"I was hoping you'd teach me how to stand and fight, hmm?" he suggests, smiling.

Laura smiled back, glances behind them. "Oh. Bandit at seven o'clock."

Steele tells the driver, "Pull into that car wash over there."

The driver looks at him. "O-kay."

Minor pulls to near the cash wash and stops to watch. The driver gets out and opens the back door, but Steele hands him some money. "That's all right. We'll stay in here."

He takes the money, but asks, "Don't you think you might be better off in a motel?"

Laura smiles and cuddles against Steele. "This is so much more exciting."

The attendant drives the car to the start of the automated car wash, then sets the machinery in motion. The taxi starts through the machine as Minor watches through the windows. Steele and Laura smile and wave at her until the car is obscured by brushes and soap.

When it comes out the other end, the back seat is empty. Minor approaches the car and looks inside as the driver gets in. She goes to the pay phone just outside to make a call as the driver calls in on his radio. "Hey. 5-8 to Benny."

"This is Benny, go ahead."

"You're not gonna believe this. Pulled into the car wash, came out the other end, and the couple that was in- was gone."

In the trunk of the cab, Laura and Steele smile at each other. "Why didn't we think of this before?" Steele asks.

"I've thought about it. Often."

"Wouldn't have been such a bad way to spend our last hour." They kiss.

"Regrets, Mr. Steele?" she asks with a smile.

"Only that sometimes I didn't live up to the Remington Steel that you had in mind."

"I won't hold it against you," she assures him.

"You're supposed to say that I'm everything he's supposed to be and more."

"If I said that, it would go to your head. Then you would cease to be what I just said you were."

He kisses her again. "Thank you, Miss Holt- for protecting me from myself."

"Anytime, Mr. Steele."

They push the back seat down and return to the cab, surprising the driver. "Take a right over there, please," Laura tells the confused man.

"Well, okay."

He lets them out beside a drainage ditch that leads down into a tunnel. "This place hasn't changed since I was a kid," Laura tells Steele as he pays the driver. "That's where we played."

"Doesn't seem the safest place for kids," Steele comments as they move closer.

"That's why it was so much fun."

Steele glances at his watch. "Just a few minutes and we're home free."

They enter the tunnel, walking through muck and mud and who knows what else. "I hope you're not afraid of the dark," Laura says.

"This is the first time since Descoine showed up that I've really felt safe," he tells her, then freezes as he sees a light at the end of the tunnel, revealing a smiling Descoine. The light goes out, and he laughs. "Feel it. Feel the fear! It'll be the last thing you feel!" As he listens, Steele raises the gun, and when Descoine starts his lighter again, Steele fires- but the bullet merely shatters the mirror that Descoine was reflected in as Descoine continues to laugh.

"Let's get the bugger!" Steele declares. He and Laura get to the end of the tunnel and he lights his lighter to inspect the broken mirror. They hear Descoine's laughter again, and follow it down the tunnel, using the lighter to light the way. Laura jumps away from a pack of rats running down the center of the tunnel. She smiles at Steele.

"There was a time when I knew each other these by name," she tells him.

"I'd just as soon you didn't renew your acquaintance. Come on."

They turn a corner, and Laura says, "Shine the light over there." She points to the floor. When he illuminates it, they see a book lying in a pile of leaves. "Oh my God. He's stolen one of my old diaries!"

"You didn't happen to mention this place in it?"

She reaches for it, but Steele sees that it's attached to a wire and grabs Laura. "Laura, look out!" They fall into the muck as the tunnel echoes with the sound of gunfire.

Laura lifts her head when it stops, pulls the wire again, and looks around to find where the gun is positioned. She pulls it again, and puts her hand up into the line of fire, then looks at it. "Apparently the Major intends to kill us at noon and not a moment before. Blanks."

Descoine rushes past them, escaping Steele's attempt to grab his leg, laughing. "Come here!" Steele yells.

"Get him!"

As they come out of the tunnel, Steele gets his hands around Descoine's leg. "This time you're mine, Descoine!" he declares, but he can't hold on. Descoine breaks free and heads toward the river. "Come here, ya bugger!" Steele yells again as he and Laura chase Descoine into the water. Steele grabs Descoine's shoulders, but the Major shirks out of his coat, sending Steele face down into the shallow water.

Laura catches up with the out of shape Descoine, kicking him in the chest. The action sends them both down. Descoine recovers first and heads toward shore as Steele chases him down, tackling him. "Come here, ya bugger!" he says, gripping Descoine's shirt.

"I'd think twice about violence, Mr. Steele," Descoine warns. "It's not a pretty path to go down."

"The wisdom of experience, eh?" he asks, grabbing Descoine and pushing him down. "I've been waiting for this moment for such a long time. Get down there-"

"Don't kill him!" Laura yells.

"Give me one good reason why not?" he asks, hesitating.

"I'll give you six of 'em, and each one has a hundred and thirty five grains of lead," a cop yells from the shore, his gun trained on Steele. "Let him go, bud!" Steele releases Descoine. "Now step back, real slow. Hands over your head!"

Steele stands as ordered, looking at Laura. "Are we glad to see you," she tells the cop.

"Now, which one of you is Descoine?" he asks.

Laura and Steele point as an out of breath Descoine lifts his hand. "Thank you for coming so promptly, Sergeant," he says.

"All right, let's get up here! First you-" he tells Laura, who looks confused, "Then you," he tells Steele. "And keep your hands where I can see them. Descoine, you wait there til I get him cuffed." Descoine nods, trying to catch his breath.

"You came just in time, Sergeant," Descoine says as Laura and Steele start up the bank. "A few more moments and it would have been all over for me."

The cop backs toward his car. "I told you, Descoine, when you get a death threat, let the police handle it."

"We're the ones that got the death threats," Laura insists. "From HIM!"

"Then why did HE call and say someone was threatening to kill him here at noon? And why did I see YOU with your hands around his neck?"

Laura tells Steele, "This must've been his plan all along. He's gonna ambush us on our way to the police station."

"Uh, humm. Or at the jail." They get close to the top.

"Come on," the Sergeant says.

Laura "trips", giving Steele the chance to tackle the cop and get his gun. "Don't move! Don't move!"

"You have to understand," Laura tells him. "Call Detective Jarvis of homicide and tell him Major Descoine is trying to kill Remington Steele!"

"Just give me the gun and everything will be all right. Don't do anything you'll regret."

"It's no good, Laura," Steele tells her. "He's not gonna listen to us." He opens the passenger door.

"Get up here, Descoine!" Laura calls out, taking the gun. "I got it!"

"Descoine!" Steele calls. They look at where he was. He's gone. Vanished once more.

"He's back in the tunnels!" Laura moans.

"Descoine! Descoine! He may have an army down there! We'll go back to the office- call Jarvis. If they want to arrest us, we'll wait for them there. At least it'll be past noon. C'mon." He gets into the car, sliding across. Laura joins him, but keeps the gun trained on the Sergeant as they drive off.


Laura impatiently waits for Steele to unlock the office doors, then sprints into his office, dropping onto the sofa. Steele joins her. "We made it!" Laura declares triumphantly.

He looks at his watch. "Twelve o'clock. I didn't think I'd ever see it. We did it, Laura!"

From the doorway, Minor says, "Not quite. Good bye, Mr. Steele. Good bye, Miss Holt." She activates a canister in her hand and tosses it into the room, then closes the door behind her.

Steele rushes to the door as smoke begins to fill the room. "Open it!" Laura says.

He tries, but it's barred. "Try your office door," he says between coughs.

Laura does. "It's got one of these things, too!"

Steele grabs the floor lamp and tries to break the window. Laura attempts to pick up the canister, but it's hot, so she grabs the napkin Steele used earlier and picks it up, putting it on the desk.

Steele turns from the window. "Nice, safe, hi-rise windows so you can't accidently break then and fall out! Wonderful!"

"This thing won't shut off!" Laura cries out.

Steele grabs the ice bucket from the bar. "Here. Cover it with this. Perhaps the air conditioning will work," he suggests.

"No, no, no," Laura says. "It'll only blow the gas around the room." She thinks. "Unless- somehow-" she kneels and reaches into the control panel. "Maybe we can reverse it." She switches some wires.

"Have you done it?" he asks.

"I think so-" they watch as the smoke begins to be pulled into the vents.

"Ok, it's working. Come on." He leads her over to the sofa, still coughing. He covers his mouth with his shirt. "You okay?" he asks her.

Mildred comes in, with the door lock. "What's this I found-" she stops, smelling the gas and coughs. "Oh, my. Goodness. What happened?" she asks, looking at their dirt streaked appearance.

"Don't ask, Mildred," Laura says. "Just don't ask."

"Well, are you all right?" she asks.

"Yes," Steele confirms. "Date hot enough for you, Mildred?" he asks.

"Oh, he was a gutterball, Mr. Steele. He tried to sell me insurance!"

The postman comes in. "Sorry I'm a few minutes late, folks." Laura and Steele begin to laugh. The postman and Mildred both look confused. "You got something for me?"

"Just a second," Laura tells him, getting up.

"Uno momento," Steele says, following her to the desk, where she signs her form and then hands Steele the pen.

She folds hers and then lifts the ice bucket, examines the canister. "WHAT? Alpha-chloracetophenone."

Steele frowns. "Isn't that non-toxic?" he asks.

"Yes." She picks up the envelope to lick it, only to have Steele rip it from her hand. "WHAT are you doing?"

"My apologies. But you can never be too careful where the Major is concerned." He sniffs the flap, then frowns and takes a bottle from the desk, dropping something onto the glue. It sizzles and turns dark. Looking at Laura, he tells her, "The gas wouldn't have killed us, but THIS would. And it's a particularly ugly death. The glue is laced with a combination of toxins commonly known as the 'Destroying Angels'. Very slow acting. So it would have been hours before we realized that we'd been poisoned, and by that time-"

"By that time, the murder weapon would have been mailed back to the murderer. The ultimate conceit."

The postman asks, "So- you don't have anything for me after all?"

Steele smiles, putting his letter into the envelope. "On the contrary." He hands the envelope to the man, as does Laura.

Mildred frowns. "Did I miss something?"


Descoine enters a post office, where Laura, in disguise, is working at the desk, stamping letters. When she ignores him, Descoine clears his throat.

"May I help you?" she asks in a nasally voice.

"Is today's mail all up yet? I'm expecting something. Box 233."

"Got anything back there for 233?" she asks her co worker, who is Steele, also incognito.

"233? You got it!" Descoine smiles at them as Steele brings the envelopes over. "State Bureau of Investigative Services. Uh. You work with them?"

Descoine smiles. "Something like that."

"Oh," Laura says conversationally. "Must be awfully exciting, being a private eye, I mean."

"I wouldn't know. I'm just a clerk who minds his own business."

"Oh." Steele drops the letters to the counter, and when Descoine reaches for them, he slaps a handcuff on the Major's wrist.

"What's this?" Descoine asks.

Laura and Steele remove their disguises. "The war's over, Major," Laura tells him.

Descoine turns to where Minor is standing near the door. "Run kid!" he yells.

"Stop her, Mildred!" Laura yells.

Mildred, dressed as a cleaning woman, tries to bar the way with a mop handle, but Minor karate chops through it, taking a swipe at Mildred with the end before taking off. "Ohh, you rotten kid!" Mildred exclaims.

Laura and Steele leave the police to handle Descoine as they rush outside to find the mop handle laying on the steps, but no sign of Minor. They return to the steps as Mildred and the police come out with Descoine.

"These Descoines certainly have a way of vanishing, don't they?" Steele asks Laura.

Descoine glares at him. "But we always come back, Mr. Steele. You can count on it."

"See ya around, Major," Steele replies. "In about ten years."

The police put Descoine in a car, and he glances at the mailbox beside the door, then smiles as the lid is pushed down to reveal a smiling Minor Descoine. Descoine smiles at Laura and Steele as the car pulls away.

Steele removes his fake mustache, then puts his arms around Laura and Mildred's shoulders. "Perhaps we ought to get away for awhile, eh? I know this quaint little bar on Mykonos-" he says as Mildred smiles and Laura frowns.

The End