Laura does a little soul searching and a lot of grovelling.
by SteeleChic

Author's Note OK, so I'm not heartless, in fact, far from it, deep down, I'm an incurable romantic who craved the happy ending as much as the rest of you. I did, however, want it to be irrevocable and without doubts, which the ending we were left with definitely was not.

I am NOT a psychology major, although my aura suggests I should be, but at times I have been known to be a little psychic and at others a little psycho. This is my attempt at climbing inside Laura Holt's head, but please remember that I'm using the Laura Holt from the fifth season, the inconsistent one that bore little resemblance to the one from the previous four.

Again, I realise that this will not satisfy everyone but I urge you all to email me privately and let me know your impressions. I live for feedback!

My thanks to those who have already shared their views, some of you were a source of inspiration, which you will no doubt see when you read this.


Hot tears spilled down her cheeks but Laura did nothing to wipe them away as she sat motionless on the cold floor of the castle's master bedroom. A shiver ripped through her, as much from the draft as from the haunting image that replayed itself through her head, the sight of Remington walking silently from the room, walking away from her, offering to leave her.

"What have I done?" she whispered aloud to the empty room, "Oh, God, what have I done?" Sadly, she realised that he hadn't done anything that wasn't caused by her own actions and gripping fear seized hold of her heart coupled with an almost overwhelming grief at the possibility of having lost another man from her life.

Why she had done what she'd done was as much a mystery to her as it was to Remington, a mystery she had to solve before it was too late. Turning, she laid her head against the bed behind her and closed her eyes, desperate to try and figure out her own emotions once and for all.

He was right. She hadn't always trusted him, although there had been times in the past when she had. She had taken off for Mexico, leaving him with a tuna full of diamonds, she'd trusted him to be around the Royal Lavulite again when the agency had been hired to safeguard them for a second time, but then, not so long ago, when it had seemed that he'd lost the agency in a poker game and some diamonds had been stolen from the offices below theirs, she had doubted him. Why had she trusted him all those earlier times but not then?

Somehow, it seemed like the further she fell, the less she trusted him because the more there was to lose. The deeper she fell in love with him, and she realised she was in love with him, and probably had been for some years now, the more she doubted him. It was easier that way, if she believed he was involved in something shady, perhaps it would hurt her less than if she believed in him and later found out he had lied.

Lifting her head, Laura was suddenly hit with the notion that all of this stemmed from her desire to be in control of her life, of her agency and of her emotions. Her desire to never again let anyone get close enough to hurt her the way her father had when he walked out on their family and the way Wilson had when he'd decided that she was just too wild for his staid, banker lifestyle. A desire that had ultimately kept her alone.

Instead of relief at her sudden enlightenment, Laura felt even more stunned and upset by the realisations it brought with it. Could it be that she had been unconsciously pushing him away in the mistaken belief that, if she made him leave, then she was still the one in control, instead of it controlling her, instead of being slapped in the face if and when he left of his own volition?

Suddenly, she brushed angrily at the tears which refused to stop falling and stood up off the floor, her resolve hardening as she realised she might yet be able to fix this god-awful mess she'd gotten herself into. If she hurried, she could stop this self-fulfilling prophecy before things really got out of hand.

"You're not a victim, Laura," she told herself, "So stop acting like one."

Quickly she moved towards the door and opened it with renewed energy. Practically running, she headed down the stairs towards the room they'd been watching TV in only minutes ago.

Turning the corner, she stopped in her tracks. The room was empty. He wasn't there. She tried to quell the rising fear that threatened to envelope her as she rushed through to the dining room and into the library, catching the sob in her throat when she found him in neither of those rooms.

"Think dammit," she whispered to herself, "You're the hotshot detective, it's night and it's cold, where else could he be?"

Suddenly she had an idea. Running this time, Laura vaulted up the stairs two at a time, sliding at the top, which caused her to slow to a walk as she stopped in the doorway to the quarters Daniel Chalmers had been occupying.

Remington was there, head down as he looked aimlessly through Daniel's open suitcase with one hand, the other buried in his pocket. The sight of his forlorn profile would have made her heart jump at the knowledge that he hadn't left her yet if the fact that he was in Daniel's room hadn't already compounded her guilt.

She realised sadly that, after having just lost his father, the prospect of losing her must have terrified him. She wanted nothing more than to be able to go to him and hold him in her arms and tell him everything was going to be all right only she wasn't sure of her reception, much less certain that everything was, indeed, going to be all right.

Slowly, he turned his head to look at her and she finally saw his eyes. Filled with pain they watched her, silently and expectantly, and Laura took a deep breath.

"I, uh, I realise that trust has to be earned and not bestowed," she began quietly, "It's a personal mantra you must have heard from me countless times, one that I now find myself having to live by. I want to try and earn yours," she paused. But when he looked like opening his mouth to say something, she leapt in before he had a chance to respond, "Please just let me finish, this is something I need to do, something that's probably long overdue and possibly no longer welcome, but necessary nonetheless." She swallowed the lump in her throat, well aware that hot tears threatened again but hopeful that she would make it through all that she had to say before they overflowed.

"I realise I've hurt you and I am so sorry, you deserve an explanation so I'm going to try and give you one, I only hope it's good enough." She gazed at him. His expression told her that he would listen without interruption.

She paced over to the other side of the room, her eyes focused on the floor. When she reached the wall, she turned and raised her head, "I need you to know that Tony was just another wall I put between us, a buffer, something I used to try and convince myself that what we had, or have," Laura added hopefully, "wasn't meant to be, that I didn't need to risk everything and take a chance on true love because this wasn't it.

"Trusting him was easy because my heart wasn't involved, I had nothing to lose. With you, I had everything to lose, my heart, my soul, my best friend and my love.

"I know you don't want to hear this but kissing him felt dangerous, exciting, like I was doing something wrong, but no man has ever, or will ever, make me feel the way you do. When I'm with you it's like everything clashes and my senses go into override, it's incredible fear but overwhelming safety, so sweet but so passionate, it's like floating and yet still sinking, but most of all, it feels right.

"I feel like I'm standing at a precipice and now it's time do I fall, or do I soar? I'm ready to fall, I've already fallen in love with you, but only if you say that you forgive me and that you love me too, will I ever truly soar."

He was silent, a fact which scared Laura more than she cared to admit, but this honestly felt too good. Uncaring of the tears that streamed down her cheeks she went on.

"I love you. Do you hear me? I love you for the man that you are and for the man that you've wanted to be. I know how hard you've tried to be everything that I needed and I want you to know that I don't care who or what you were, you already are everything I could possibly want and more.

"I realise, I've put you through a lot over the years and although I can't say it's been all one sided, I am sorry. I hope it's not too late for me to stop being blind and finally see that you were never going anywhere.

"I know you don't put much stock in words, but they're all I have," she trailed off, "I love you and I'm so sorry."

When he still didn't answer, it was more than Laura could bear. She had just bared her soul to him and he wasn't even looking at her but hope still springs eternal and she wouldn't let it die.

Crossing back over the room she tried, "If you need time to think-"

As she passed by him, Remington reached out and grabbed her arm, halting her movement. Startled, she turned her streaked face to his and noticed his own eyes shining with unshed tears.

"Time?" he uttered huskily, "We've wasted enough time." He crushed her to him, burying his face in her soft hair and releasing a shuddering sigh.

He held her so tight she almost couldn't breathe, but it felt so good, she never wanted him to let her go. Her hands splayed over his back, Laura returned the embrace with equal force.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she whispered over and over again.

Remington brought his hands up to grasp her face, releasing her just enough so that he could look into her eyes. "Sshh," he murmured, lowering his lips to hers and kissing her tenderly but with growing passion. "It's OK," he whispered into her hair, "Don't be sorry. I know I should have told you what you needed to hear, that I love you. My God, Laura," he choked out, hugging her fiercely once again, "I love you more than life itself, more than I ever thought possible, and the thought of losing you and Daniel in almost the same instant was nearly too much to bear. I'm sorry if I hurt you earlier."

Pulling back to look at her once again, he used his thumbs to gently wipe away her tears. He smiled down at her, leaning in for another kiss, deeper and longer than the first, a kiss that changed from one into many as they clung to each other desperately.

Lifting her into his arms, Remington moved them towards the bed and lay her gently onto it before joining her an instant later.

"I love you, Laura Holt, and if I can't have you then I don't want to live," he told her, "Will you marry me, for real, not just for two years but forever?"

"Steele," she corrected quietly.

"What?" Remington queried.

"Laura Steele, no more Holt," she said with a smile, "And yes, I'll marry you, for real and for always."

Pulling his head back down to hers, Laura felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She felt like she was soaring.


And this time I think it really is, of course I'm always open to persuasion. SteeleChic. :o)

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