Steele Conquers All
by
Ilsa Lund

Part Six
Summary, disclaimer, rating in part one

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The two men nudged each other and gestured towards the two women seated at the end of the bar. Both were very attractive: one was petite, slender, auburn hair. The other was a brunette, long hair, tall. He'd spotted them the minute he'd walked in. Twenty minutes had elapsed and it soon became obvious that they weren't with anyone else. All they'd done was chat to each other continuously. Downing his drink, he beckoned his companion and they casually strolled over.

“Hey pretty ladies, this is my friend Bob and I'm Charles. If we said you had beautiful bodies, would you hold them against us?”

Both women looked at each other. The tall one spoke. “If we said that line was older than God, would you hold it against us?”

Undaunted, Charles continued. “Whoa! Hold your horses pretty lady. Let me buy you a drink. What can I get you?”

“A bucket to puke into. Beat it loser!”

“Say, there's no need to be like that. We just wanna buy you two pretty ladies a drink, shoot the breeze and maybe take a –”

The tall one huffed in exasperation. “I'm gay. This is my lover. Now get lost.”

The men glanced apprehensively at each other then the ladies. “Sorry. You both looked so normal too.” Charles hastily backed away and pulled Bob with him.

Both women burst into uncontrollable giggles. The slender one signalled for a refill. The tall one replaced her glass on the bar and winked at the bartender.

“Where was I? Oh yeah. That son of a bitch!”

“That's exactly how I felt. But he swore it was only going to be a civil marriage to keep him in this country. With me.”

“He was going to marry that hooker?”

“He nearly did marry that hooker. I busted up the wedding just before the vows were completed.”

“That son of a bitch!”

“Couldn't have put it better myself. Then the hooker got arrested and –”

“A hooker arrested? There's a first!”

“And he had to come up with another bride before –”

“Don't tell me Laura. You volunteered.”

“I had to Bernice.”

The bartender returned with fresh drinks.

“Why'd you volunteer Laura? That was your chance to be rid of him. And for free too.”

“The thought very briefly crossed my mind but despite everything the rotten louse had done to me, I didn't want him to go.” She sipped her drink, reflecting on that day. Was it only three months ago? So much had changed.

“Boy have you got it bad. If that had been me, I'd have kicked his two-timing butt to the clouds.”

“It wasn't like that, it was only going to be a civil marriage.”

“But Laura, didn't you say things had been going well up to that point?”

“They were. Mr Steele was warm, considerate and straight with me – well, his version of it anyway. This other person trying to marry a hooker was a stranger. He reminded me of the double-dealing con-artist I first met trying to steal the Royal Lavulite. It was like the four years we'd spent together, growing together, caring together, never happened.”

“Okay. Well, why? If you were so close, why didn't he tell you? Why didn't he ask you to marry him instead?” She drained her glass and signalled for another.

“Deep down, I think he was afraid: on so many levels of so many things. So rather than risk me, he went with a ploy, a scam and Clarissa instead.”

“Some plan.”

“Mr Steele thought he'd never see me again. At that time, Clarissa seemed the best way out.”

Bernice sipped her newly freshened Manhattan and observed pointedly, “Or panic that the free ride was coming to an end.”

“No. It wasn't that, honestly. He's not the man you worked with. Not all the time anyway. Often he's the quintessential Remington Steele: charming, urbane, debonair, kind. I couldn't ask for more. Well I could, but I'm not sure I'd want it. Not from someone else. I'd want it from Mr Steele. From my husband.” Laura raised her scotch to her mouth. Too much ice. She tipped some out.

Her companion flicked her hair. “You wouldn't want out-and-out truth, honesty, domestic bliss, emotional stability?”

“I had the chance of all that. I told you earlier, remember? William Westfield?”

“Oh yeah, the guy you nearly dumped Skeeziks for but ended up dumping
instead. Why didn't you go away with him?”

Laura sighed, still uncomfortable with the memory. “I couldn't. I just couldn't. I sat there, I looked at William, I realised I was on a plane taking me to another chapter of my life and I just couldn't go through with it.”

“Better the tall, dark, handsome, blue-eyed, devil you know huh?”

“Well - it's so hard to explain. We'd been through so much together, me and Mr Steele, good and bad. At that point I didn't know if I was just fed up with him and our up and down relationship or if I was really falling for William. I had to be sure. That's why I got off the plane but when I got to Rossmore, he wasn't there. He'd left.”

“London and that blonde bimbo. What's her name again Laura?”

“Felicia,” she supplied signalling to the bartender for another drink.

Bernice pointed excitedly, “Yeah that's the one! The woman from the museum, right? The picture of the naked Egyptian ladies – it seems like yesterday. Skeeziks waking me up early to get that shopping list … I spent months afterwards trying to figure out what the marbles were for.”

“You and me both. He never told me.”

“I want to know more about this hooker thing. What happened afterwards?”

“It's so involved. Can I just give you the highlights? Or rather the lowlights?”

Bernice shrugged. “Sure.”

“Well we had a disastrous honeymoon in Mexico. Mr Steele was accused of murder and then –”

“What?”

“To cut a long story short, a man named Norman Keyes had an insurance scam going. He faked his own death to frame Mr Steele. It looked bad for us but while I was in the jungle, I met this –”

“What were you doing in the jungle?”

“Long story. Mr Steele and I'd just had a discussion about us, our relationship, where we were going, that kind of thing. We decided then and there to let the chips fall where they may, to –”

“In English Laura. Preferably Bernice-ese.”

“We were finally going to sleep together.”

“Why didn't you just say 'hit the sack?' ”

“I did! Where was I?” she sipped her scotch. “Mr Steele went to Las Hadas to find a decent hotel and I went for a walk landing up in the jungle. But I needed rescuing from some bandits. Luckily a man appeared from nowhere, just in the nick of time to –”

“A man found you in the middle of the jungle? He swung from a vine, right?”
Bernice started to giggle hysterically until she caught Laura's expression.

“No! Tell me he has ESP or second sight, tell me he's a Jedi Knight and he used the Force but whatever you do, don't tell me he aped Tarzan!”

She shrugged her shoulders and smiled self-deprecatingly. Bernice groaned heavily and took a large gulp of her drink.

“So this man arrived, swinging from a vine. He told me he was an archaeologist named Anthony Roselli. But he wasn't really an archaeologist. He was a CIA agent and he helped me prove that Mr Steele was innocent of Keyes' murder and –”

Her companion wildly waved her hands. “Wait-a-minute, wait-a-minute! You met a man swinging from vines in the jungle – talk about corny! – you tell me this and then leave me dangling? No way José! What's he like?”

Laura grinned. “Let me rephrase that to, 'what's not to like?' He's extremely visceral with a –”

“In English Laura. Preferably Bernice-ese.”

“Very good looking.”

“A hunk?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn't you just say that?”

“I did!”

“More,” Bernice insisted snapping her fingers at the bartender for another drink.

“Errm … tanned, brawny, muscles in places you didn't think existed and –”

“Hold on Laura. I'm thinking of a few places. Mmmm delicious … go on.”

“Italian heritage, not just in name but in looks too. Unfortunately, he confused me with his –”

“Confused you? Whaddaya mean?”

She sighed. “I was kind of … temporarily … briefly … attracted to him and it confused me. But I realise now that I used him to make Mr Steele jealous. I'm not proud of it but the truth is Tony would never –”

“Tony? I thought you said his name was Anthony?”

“It was. I mean, it is.” Laura waved her empty glass in the air.

Bernice raised her eyebrows. “Hmmm, I see. Go on.”

“I was only using Tony because I was still so angry with Mr Steele about the INS, Clarissa and first-marriage-on-a-smelly-boat-with-me-a-mess thing.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I am! We still had the INS on our backs when we returned from our disastrous honeymoon in Mexico so we invited Gladys Lynch, the operative handling our case, over to dinner. The idea was we play 'happily ever after,' she sees this and notes it in her report and they leave us alone. Another catastrophe. A wom –”

“You two? Another catastrophe? No!” Bernice's hands flew to her cheeks in mock exaggeration.

“Very funny. A woman from Mr Steele's past came back to haunt us. Shannon Wayne. She appeared in our bedroom, on the bed itself, half naked with –”

“That son of a bitch!”

“This time, it wasn't his fault. She came from nowhere to –”

“One of his semi-naked bimbos appears in the bedroom and it wasn't his fault?” Bernice cried, knocking back her Manhattan.

“She'd found out about Mr Steele's inheritance and she needed his –”

“Laura my head's swimming. What inheritance? What's going on here? This is all driving me bananas!”

“Didn't I tell you it was involved? Gladys Lynch saw Shannon in the bed and, well, I was angry about her being there so when Tony turned up, I ki –”

“Why did Tony turn up?”

“I'll come to that in a minute. So when Tony turned up, I kissed him in front of everyone to make Mr Steele jealous. Between us we managed to ruin our little charade but then a case took us to London and that's when we discovered that Mr Steele had inherited a castle in Ireland which –”

“Keep going. I'll stop you when I understand what's going on.” Bernice rolled her eyes heavenwards and took more sips of her Manhattan.

“I'm nearly there. We found out later that Tony was behind everything. He
totally manufactured the case because he needed Mr Steele and in the meantime I was trying to get rid of this woman who had her eye on my husband's inheritance. So you have this ridiculous situation where Mr Steele is busy with Tony, I'm up to my neck in it with his old girlfriend and we barely got a chance to shake hands, never mind anything else.”

“It's the 'anything else' part I wanna know about too. Keep going.”

“We thought we were over the worst. I managed to get rid of the bimbo, Mr Steele kept his end of the bargain with Tony so Tony gave him a damaging statement Shannon Wayne made about our marriage promising that it would keep the INS off our backs. I thought we'd finally get down to our honeymoon in Ireland but once we got there – another unexpected twist.”

“I'm almost afraid to ask.” Bernice shook her head, winking at the bartender as she handed over her glass.

“Tony needed our help. He'd been double-crossed to make it appear that he was a traitor, a double-agent and –”

“Laura, hunk or no hunk, this guy sounds like trouble too. I mean, he was after Skeeziks all along right? So he used you to get to him. Yeah okay, you were both using each other and there was something there for a while but what is it with you? Why can't you be attracted to men who are straight up and honest? He lied to your face.”

“It doesn't matter now. I'm not interested in Tony, I never was. Not really. It was a –”

“One bum down. One to go,” she commented jovially.

Laura took it in the spirit it was intended. “Mr Steele's not going anywhere. Accept it, Bernice.” She waved her empty glass in the air again.

“Do I have to?”

“Yes!” she laughed. “As I was saying, Tony needed us to clear his name and despite everything, Mr Steele offered to help. While that was going on –”

“Espionage in Ireland? Sounds unbelievable,” Bernice shook her head.

“I know, I know but that's what happened. Then Daniel Chalmers turned up and I immediately –”

“That name sounds familiar. Why does it ring a bell?”

“Cast your mind back a few years. Remember when a so-called colonel swept my mother off her feet and Murphy played Remington Steele to trap an English murderer named Hoskins?”

“Oh yeah! Murphy was a riot. Y'know, I think he liked the role.” She fished out a couple of ice cubes from her glass and placed them in a nearby ashtray.

“Too bad a sexy Irish guy beat him to it.”

“That's not all the sexy Irish guy beat him to, right Laura?” Bernice bantered playfully.

She had to smile at that. “Where was I? Oh, the colonel was just one of the many aliases Mr Chalmers used for his devious scams. Are you ready for this? It turns out that Mr Chalmers was Mr Steele's father and –”

“NO! Really?” Bernice placed her hands on her cheeks in total stupefaction. “The old man with all those passports was pop to the young man with all those passports?”

“Yes. Unfortunately, Mr Chalmers died shortly afterwards, before Mr Steele could find out his real name.” Laura sighed as she sipped her scotch. “I don't think we'll ever know it but it doesn't matter. He'll always be Mr Steele to me.”

“Tough break. Poor Skeeziks. Then what happened?”

“Well we cleared Tony's name so the espionage angle was finished with and finally it was just us. Me and Mr Steele.”

“Yes?” she prompted.

“And … well, I figured that we were married anyway.”

“Yes?”

“And I did have feelings for him ... very strong feelings for him.”

“Yes?”

“And I began to believe, really believe, that he had strong feelings for me.”

“Yes? Yes?” Bernice cried, waving her arms.

“And we were alone in the castle.”

“Yes? Come on Laura!”

“So we took that final step, crossed that line, turned that corner, made –”

“In English Laura. Preferably Bernice-ese.”

“We consummated our relationship, our marriage, we made the –”

“You hit the sack?”

“At last.”

“Why didn't you say that?”

“I did! What do you think all those awful euphemisms for going to bed with someone meant?”

“I don't need euphemisms, I need details!” her friend exclaimed.

Laura's brow furrowed. “What kind of details?”

“What kind do you think?”

“Well there's … it's a … what do you want to know?”

“How is he between the sheets?” Bernice wiggled her eyebrows.

“What!” she spluttered into her glass.

“Oh come on, I told you all my stuff. Besides, it's what we women do.”

“You expect me to answer that?”

“Laura, we go back a long way and we shared everything. Give.”

“He's the best I've ever had,” she announced, sipping steadily.

“I saw Wilson. Not exactly a flattering comparison.”

“Wilson had hidden talents but take it from me, Mr Steele's good at it. Very good at it. Better than a – Oh hell! He's phenomenal.”

“With his track record? I should think so too.”

“We both dipped in the cookie jar Bernice. We wanted each other so badly but we just couldn't figure out a way to make it work. And we're only human. It wasn't just him. I had needs too, physical needs but I didn't want any emotional attachments because I only wanted Mr Steele.”

“I remember how excited you were the day after your first night with him. He really spun your propeller, didn't he?”

“I've never met anyone like him. When I brought him back from London, we talked and – Actually that's not true. We didn't talk. We just fell back into being together again. This time, I waited for him and –”

“Waited for him? You mean you didn't –?”

“Yes. I mean no. I mean, yes we didn't … we weren't completely intimate but we were very close. Then we got married and eventually, at long last, we had a honeymoon to remember in Ireland. And then we got married again and we had another honeymoon to remember in Scotland. And then we got married again last week and we didn't leave our bedroom for a couple of days.”

“Okay, okay I hear ya. You finally got your itch scratched!”

Laura burst into fits of laughter. “That's a terrible analogy!”

“Hey don't blame me. You were the one always mooning around complaining that the guy made you itchy, remember?” She swallowed more of her drink.

“Yeah, I remember. I kept telling myself, 'to the matter at hand Laura Holt.' Sometimes it helped.”

“I told Murphy to countdown,” Bernice's eyes twinkled.

“To what?”

“The daily fights, the arguments, the rows you two used to have. I told –”

“Still have.”

“Huh?”

“The daily fights, the arguments, the rows? Present tense Bernice.”

“Oh I see. Well back then I told Murphy, 'they're either gonna hit the couch or kill each other.' He wasn't too happy about my first prediction. Then I made it worse by saying Skeeziks would probably be the best lay you'd ever have in your life.”

“You were right too.”

“About which part?”

“All of it, all of what you just said. Hitting the couch, killing each other, best lay I've ever had. Poor Murph.” Laura shook her head.

“Don't beat yourself up about it. If it ain't there, it ain't there. You can't push it, you can't force it. It's gotta happen naturally.”

“I don't even remember when it happened with Mr Steele. I was in the middle of it before I knew it had begun. One day I walked into his office and told him that he functions in an advisory capacity only. The next day I walked into his office and visualised him naked. With me on top. And then underneath.”

“Urgh!” Bernice spat out with feeling.

“You wanted to know,” Laura grinned.

“I did, didn't I? More,” she smiled in response.

“Well … we're … the thing is we're … we're unbelievable together. We broke a hotel bed on our second honeymoon in Scotland.”

Bernice stared wide-eyed, amazed. “You broke a bed?”

“We'd had the fight to end all fights and then we made up with the sex to end all sex.” Laura raised her glass in an invisible toast to it.

“Wow. I'm impressed.”

“Not as much as I was.”

“Were you walking funny the next day?”

Laura choked on a mouthful of alcohol and laughed. “Bernice!”

“Oh come on! I told you my ins and outs. When I ran off with Eddie it –”

“He was the saxophone player, right?”

“Yeah. The sex was hot, real hot but we argued about money all the time.”

“Why?”

“He didn't have any.”

“Oh.”

“We just couldn't make it together. I mean, we made it together but we couldn't make it together.”

“I understand,” Laura motioned for another drink.

“His work was too hit-and-miss: a gig here, a gig there. It wasn't what I wanted. Then I met Paul and I thought it was love. Now I'm not so sure. Anyway back to you, were you walking funny the next day?”

“You expect me to answer that Bernice?”

“I'll rephrase. Would his jockstrap fit a goldfish or an elephant? Are we talking King Kong here?”

Laura laughed heartily. “I'm not answering that!”

“Spoilsport.”

“Mr Steele has a nice body. A body I can't keep my hands off. Satisfied?”

“Sounds like you are.”

“Oh yes, I'm getting more than Warren Beatty.”

“I'm jealous. And I never thought I'd be jealous of your sex life.”

“I'm not exaggerating either. Once with me was enough for Wilson but once is antipasto to Mr Steele. He always wants more.”

“What about you?”

“I always want more too.”

“My God. He's turned you into me.”

“A couple of weeks ago, we had tickets for a play. Oh what was it called again?” Laura snapped her fingers in frustration, trying to jog her memory. “Something about a street, a car and desire.”

“Sounds like my first date.”

“I'm serious Bernice.”

“So am I.”

“Help me out.”

“A Streetcar Named Desire?”

“That's the one. During intermission, we had a secret rendezvous and I'm not telling you where because you wouldn't believe it.”

Bernice was dumbstruck. “You did what?”

“I did my husband,” Laura smiled slyly.

“I remember once, Eddie and I did it in an elevator which was a –”

“An elevator?”

“We gave new meaning to 'riding the elevator.' ” She sat back believing nothing could top that.

But Laura leant forward, eyes sparking and flippantly stated, “Concorde.”

“Concorde? Oh my God is nothing sacred?” Bernice cried, hands flying to her cheeks. “What's he done to you?”

“We work hard together and we play hard together.”

“I'll say.” She held up two fingers and vigorously tapped her glass.

“But I wouldn't have it any other way.”

Bernice reached out a hand. “Do you love him Laura?”

“Yes, very much. I fought it all the way, but I lost. Proof that you can win and lose at the same time.”

“Aren't you afraid?”

“Of what?”

“That he'll do what all the other bums do. Have an affair, break your heart, leave.”

“Bernice, Mr Steele and I travel very well together. We've been to hell and back.”

“I bet he knew the language.”

“But now that we're married, we're determined to make it work. I'm certain he'll never cheat on me.”

“What makes you so sure?” She sipped her Manhattan thoughtfully.

“I know him. I'm all he has. He'll never cheat on me because we're committed to each other and our marriage in the same way that we're committed to our business partnership. Besides, he likes being married to me. Did I tell you that he paid a waiter to continually call me 'Mrs Steele' in his presence?”

“Oh puke!”

“I know. Isn't love lovely?”

“Does he love you?”

“Yes. He does. Despite himself, in spite of himself.” Laura drank her scotch, wondering what her husband was doing at that very moment. She smiled. When she got home, she'd tear his clothes off, jump his bones and ride him until –

“You love each other and you antagonise each other and you can't believe you love each other. Very healthy relationship Laura.”

“Bernice, I thought I had a healthy relationship with Wilson and look what happened. To some people – that blonde witch for example – Mr Steele and I don't make sense together. We're diametrically opposed in some ways but to us, we make perfect sense because of that. Do you see?”

“I guess. You certainly make sense in the sack.”

“There's more to our relationship than that. But it's true, we do.”

“Damn it. I should've had a crack at Skeeziks before he made me wanna throw up!”

“Bernice!” Laura giggled and raised her glass to her lips.

“Hey, this is me remember?” she laughed. “Better watch all that hot sex you're getting. It leads to kids y'know.”

“Yes it does if you're not on the pill.”

“Don't you want children?”

“Don't you? You've been married longer than I have.”

“I asked first Laura.”

“We do want children but not yet. I want to enjoy being Mrs Steele first before I turn into mother Steele.”

“But how do you do it? You're together every minute of the day. I could never do that with Paul, it would drive me mad!”

“We're not together now.”

“You know what I mean,” Bernice pointed and gulped down her Manhattan.

“We enjoy being with each other and we enjoy the time we spend apart. It makes us appreciate being together more.”

“Paul and I, well it's been two years now. These past few months have been hard. Before, I never even looked at other men. Now I can't stop looking. Soon I'll be doing. Say, is that CIA guy of yours available? He sounds like he knows how to show a gal a good time.”

“He's not my CIA guy!” Laura cried indignantly. “And I don't have a clue if he's single or not because I'm not interested. What's happened with you and Paul?”

“We were very happy at first. Actually, strike that. I was very happy at first, he still is. Perfect marriage, perfect income – God bless commodities – perfect house. Everything is so damn perfect. Guess what? I'm bored. I'm so bored of it all. I'm bored of being the perfect hostess, I'm bored of my perfect home and I'm bored of my perfect marriage. You know me – the belle of the ball, the life and soul of the party. Marriage was supposed to change all that. But it hasn't.”

“I'm sorry,” she reached out and rubbed the arm of her friend.

Bernice's eyes flickered for a brief second and then she defiantly announced. “Don't be. If the worse comes to the worse, I'll have an affair and go back to my husband. That'll make me like all the other women out there. Except you, of course.”

“Can't you work it out?”

“Probably. But I don't know if I really want to. I told you years ago that I wanted a filthy rich, slightly dull husband. Well Laura, be careful what you wish for, sometimes it comes true. Anyway I still win if we get divorced; I'll get far more than I came in with.”

“But at least you'll be back here, in California. It'll be just like old times. We can lunch and –”

“ – and you can keep me sane. Boy, I'm glad I'm back. We can meet up every week. Oh my God, that means I'll have to be nice to Skeeziks!”

Laura laughed and held up her left hand, pointing to her ring. “I waited a damn long time and I've gone through so much to get this. I'm not letting go of him or my marriage that easily – not without a fight.”

“Well, you seem happy,” Bernice observed with a smile.

“I am happy. It's not perfect, we're not perfect. We quarrel, we fight, we have rows and disagreements but we love each other.”

“Laura, you looked so beautiful at the wedding. God, what a waste!”

“With my husband's libido? Are you kidding? But thank you for coming. I was so happy you and Murph were there.” She sipped her drink. “I wonder how they're getting on?”

“Like a house on fire Laura.”

“That's what I'm afraid of.”

“If it had been Murphy, things would have turned out very differently for you.”

“I'd have only had one wedding for a start.”

“Somehow three is so fitting. Nothing's ever straightforward and easy with you two, is it?”

“I can't even remember life without him. I don't want to remember life without him. Was there life without him?”

“Oh Laura, you're really in love with the guy.” Bernice said in awe. “I've never met anyone who's really in love with someone before. This calls for another drink.”

“I can't believe how much I love him. The incorrigible louse.”

“Those sons of bitches. Playing with our emotions like that.”

“How dare he do this to me! The rotten, devious – I'm so happy it scares me.” Laura felt herself becoming woozy. How many scotches had she knocked back?

“Love. Who can explain it?”

“Yes, love. It's definitely love Bernice but I can't explain it.”

“Fools would try … I've got this theory though. Wanna hear it?”

Laura laughed and raised her glass. “To marriage Mrs Elliott.”

She sincerely returned the gesture. “To your imperfect marriage Mrs Steele.”

They toasted each other, downed their alcohol and hugged tightly.

Bernice Elliott checked out the bartender again as he brought over fresh drinks. Toned body, healthy tan, blond hair: a prototype Californian. She winked at him and was rewarded with a lecherous grin.

Sipping her Manhattan, she casually enquired, “So Laura, this CIA man of yours with muscles in places we didn't know existed … got a number for him?”

TO PART SEVEN
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