"I'm afraid Remington Steele can't comment on that. You'll have to put all questions to his associate Laura Holt and -" Bernice looked up. A sour expression crossed her face. Oh God. It was back. Rats. She sighed. A full four hours had passed since his disappearance and she couldn't even say anything because of the -
"Mr. Steele, sir!" A waiting client jumped out of a chair and scuttled towards the head of the agency. "An honour - no, a pleasure. Yes, an absolute pleasure to meet you. I'm Woodrow Rogers. You know, the Adams case?"
The man all the adulation was aimed at quickly masked his baffled air, "Yes indeed. Yes, the Adams case." Who was this funny little man? And why hadn't someone informed him that his toupee was slightly lopsided? Steele glanced at the receptionist, willing her to help him out, but she was on the phone.
"I don't know how you did it!" Rogers grabbed a hand and shook it vigorously.
"The feeling's mutual," Steele replied easing his arm free. "I don't know how I did it either."
"Don't be modest. I'd love to hear how you did it!"
"Yes. So would I."
"Excuse me?"
"I mean, I'd love to hear myself tell you how I did it too but alas -" Steele clapped his hands and inspiration struck. "There are rules governing that sort of thing you know."
"But I'm the client. You can't tell me how you solved my own case?"
"No. That is to say, I can't. It goes against the ethics y'see," he tugged an earlobe. "But my invaluable staff can, and no doubt will, fully acquaint you with the facts. Miss Holt is extremely competent and I have every faith in her abilities. And now, if you'll excuse me, I must confer with -"
"Mr. Steele. Can I see you in your office please sir?" a voice infused with treacle requested.
"Ah Miss Holt. I was just explaining to Royston here -"
"Rogers," he automatically corrected.
"Rogers here that there are certain resolutions governed by the Geneva Convention which forbid the -"
"Mr. Steele sir, Interpol is on the phone." Laura gritted her teeth and forced herself to continue, "They're waiting for you. They need to speak to you. Immediately. Right now. This instant."
"Interpol eh? Sorry Rogers. Duty calls. Internationally renowned private investigator and all that. They probably need my advice on -"
"Mr. Steele!"
"Coming, coming!" Steele calmly followed her into the grandest office in the suite. He shut the door then turned around only to be confronted by two faces contorted with annoyance.
"Where the hell have you been?" Laura immediately demanded.
"Well-well-well." Murphy crossed his arms. "How did you escape? Did you file the bars or pick the lock?"
"Actually, I used a shovel and dug my way out." Steele retorted smiling broadly at the furious detective. Dealing with him was easy, water off a duck's back. The potent secret weapon? Geniality. It so annoyed the American.
"Yeah? Well I hope you've got it on you. You'll need it to dig your way out of this one."
"Thank you Murphy. I really missed you too." And with that, Steele mentally dismissed his opponent.
"You haven't answered my question. Where have you been?"
Hmmm. Here lay the real challenge; placating the true head of the agency. She was a different prospect altogether. Whatever he came up with had to be bloody good.
"My sincere apologies Miss Holt. Really, it wasn't my fault. A situation that just couldn't be helped." Amazingly, that wasn't far from the truth. A good start. "Very urgent calamity. Came up right out of the blue. An emergency of the highest order."
"What's her name and when's it due?"
"That's what I love about you Laura, your rapier-like wit. I'm sorry I had to break our appointment. Truly."
"That's not good enough!" she countered heatedly. "I made it clear that you had to be here at one o'clock. I told you it was important and you promised me that you wouldn't let me down."
"Laura. How much more evidence do you need? The guy is completely unreliable. What's more, he's probably been up to something shady involving our agency. I bet that's why he didn't show. Get rid of him partner and let's go back to how we were before. We don't need him. We don't need this."
She hesitated.
Steele thought he could sense the tumult of emotions raging inside her. It was clear that the situation could go either way unless he took immediate action, drastic action. And when it came to her, if in doubt - lie.
"I wasn't going to tell you this. I didn't want you to worry needlessly. Word reached me that a very old friend of mine, a very dear old friend, was in a bad way. Injured in a car accident. It happened on … Pico. Yes, that was the very spot. Pico Boulevard. I literally had to drop everything and go there. He was in shock but luckily he's in much better shape now. Fred and I took him home."
"You expect me to swallow this?" Scepticism oozed from every pore.
"Why not ask Fred if you don't believe me? Ask him if he took me to Pico Boulevard today. Ask him about the accident. I guarantee you that the answer will exonerate me. Go on, call him right now. I insist."
"Yeah, call him Laura. Let's catch this guy out in yet another of a long line of lies," Murphy smiled, fully convinced that this was finally it. The moment he'd been waiting for since that Royal Lavulite fiasco. All they had to do was get Bernice to check the flight situation at LAX and then? Sayonara troublemaker.
"Listen mate, if -"
"Don't you 'mate' me."
"If events prove that I've fabricated this little story, I'll allow you the small pleasure of packing my bags."
Murphy nodded. "You're on mister."
It was a huge gamble but perversely, adrenalin was surging through Steele. This was another fortuitous throw of the dice. Who knew where it would take him? He purposefully strode over and dialled the number reasoning that if Laura didn't phrase her questions in the right manner, it just might work. Fred was closemouthed to a fault.
"Look, we don't have to do this. If you say -"
"No. We do have to do this. Or rather, you have to do this. I need you to know that I'm not lying to you. I want you to have complete faith in me Miss Holt."
He histrionically held the telephone out to her. Their hands briefly touched as she took it. Laura looked into his eyes but he was impenetrable as ever. She took a deep breath and switched to autopilot. "Hello? Fred it's Miss Holt -"
Murphy stared at his adversary. Steele audaciously met his gaze, giving him the full works: the taunting expression, the cocky, impudent grin, the confident air. It all spoke volumes. Was it possible that … ? Nah. No way. The guy was a born liar! It just couldn't be true. Not in a million years. Not in two million years.
"Umm, Fred? Just out of curiosity, did you take Mr. Steele to Pico Boulevard today? … Oh. You did? … No-no. Nothing's wrong. There's nothing wrong with you taking him there. I just wondered that's all … No Fred, you're not in trouble with Mr. Steele or with me … By the way, Mr. Steele mentioned an accident on Pico and … Oh, there was? I see … I'm sorry Fred, forget I called. Go ahead. I don't want you to get a ticket … Thank you … No, don't worry please. It doesn't matter anymore. I know all I need to know. Thanks Fred." She replaced the receiver. "Well. It looks as if you're off the hook."
"Very good pun Laura," Steele beamed. "Anyone else would demand an apology but vindication is good enough for me."
"Is your friend okay?"
"Oh please partner!" Murphy exclaimed in disgust. "He must've bribed Fred. That's the only explanation for this! If your friend was injured, what hospital was he taken to?"
"Didn't you hear me say that he's in much better shape now? We took him home."
"Where's that? Alcatraz?"
"Gentlemen please," Laura intervened. "This isn't getting us anywhere. Let's just drop it. We have a case to pursue and we need to discuss our M.O. I'll just get the file from my office. Don't kill each other while I'm gone."
Both men watched her leave. As soon as she shut the door, Murphy spun around and seethed, "I don't know how you did that but your luck's gonna run out. You may've pulled the wool over Laura's eyes with this Pico garbage but you don't fool me for a second."
"Indeed. Even on a bad day, I fool you for much longer than that."
"She knows you're bad news."
"Perhaps. But I'm still here Murphy."
"Can't you do your stealing somewhere else? It's not that far to The Titanic."
"True enough. Can Laura dive? I'm sure she'll look rather fetching in rubber."
"Keep pushing those buttons 'mate'. One of these days you'll push the wrong one and I'll -"
"And you'll what?" Steele asked impassively.
Murphy took a step towards him, "Just remember, I'm watching every move you make. That little bingo racket? I know it was you; I just can't prove it yet."
"In civilised nations, a foundation of jurisprudence is that one is innocent until proven guilty."
"Where you're concerned it's the other way around. Even Nixon's got more morals than you. You I don't trust. At all. And I never will."
"Good thing my fate's not in your hands, eh?"
Murphy's eyes narrowed, "One of these days …"
"Yes. But until then …"
"Okay, here we go," Laura bounced back into the office, oblivious to the tension in the air. Unaware that she was the cause of it. "The Randall case."
Steele started to steal out of the office.
"And where are you going?"
"You're discussing business, are you not?"
"Yes we are."
"Well then Laura, I'll just make myself useful until you need -"
"The Randall case requires your assistance. That's why I wanted you here in the first place."
Steele pointed to himself, "Me?" For some reason, part of him was pleased. "I thought I never involved myself directly in a case."
"You don't," Murphy stressed.
"And you won't ever again after this," Laura added. "But we've got a complication."
"A big, blonde one named Nadine Lee."
"A peroxide piranha named Nadine Lee," she amended with a smile at her partner.
"Nadine Lee?" Steele queried as he moved towards his desk and sat down.
"She's an actress." Laura supplied. "Nadine Lee is her stage name."
"Oh really? She treads the boards? Nothing like the theatre, eh?"
"Yep. And what she does is nothing like the theatre," Murphy asserted.
"Excuse me?"
"She models. Bikinis mainly. But she lists her official profession as, 'actress'. It's an L.A thing. Go to any restaurant here, chances are you'll be served by an aspiring actor."
Steele crossed his legs. "Tell me Laura, why has this Nadine person become a complication?"
"That's on a need to know basis."
"But I need to know."
"No you don't. All you have to do is keep her occupied until we settle this case."
"Occupied?" Steele raised his eyebrows.
"Talk to her, buy her food. That kinda thing, you can do that, can't you?" Murphy scoffed.
"Miss Holt, am I to understand that you want me to cosy up to another woman, perhaps take her out to dinner at Ravenelli's, dancing at The Starlight Club and afterwards a leisurely, romantic stroll by the -"
"I don't care to hear the gory details," she tersely responded. "Just keep her out of our way."
"I must admit that this is a bit of a letdown Laura. I was all prepared to show you what I can do."
"Show Nadine instead," Murphy put in. "She'll appreciate it."
He frowned. "Y'know, this Nadine business isn't quite what I'd expect from upstanding detectives. Tsk, tsk, tsk."
Laura slapped a photograph on the desk. "That's her."
"But it is for the sake of the agency," Steele declared without missing a beat, "And it would be rather churlish of me to refuse. This is one occasion I'll put my principles aside for you Miss Holt."
"How magnanimous of you," she rolled her eyes.
Steele scrutinised the picture. "Keeping a woman like this occupied will incur some costs which has -"
"This is a case. It's business. Agency funds will cover your expenses."
"I'll also need formal wear: a new suit, a tuxedo, cufflinks. I have an image to maintain now, remember? Remington Steele cannot let the agency down by showing up to impress a lady in last season's -"
"Alright, alright!" Laura ran her hands through her hair. It was either that or strangle him. "I get the message. Charge it to our account."
"What's wrong with the clothes he's already got? How many more does he need?"
"Apparel is not your strong suit Murphy. Pun intended," Steele said wryly as he tugged an earlobe. "Look at you: plaid blue shirt, blue jumper, grey trousers - your attire has risen to new depths."
"Very funny. Are we done here partner?"
"Yes."
"Good. I'm going home." This was crazy. How could Laura let him work on a case? Another nail in the coffin for how things used to be. Yep, those were the good old days alright. He left the office shaking his head.
Steele placed his legs on the desk. "When do I start?"
"I'm sure you're counting down the minutes. But for the record, tomorrow."
He looked at her archly. "There's something so very ironic, if not positively titillating, about you giving me permission to spend your money on another woman. A very beautiful woman I might add."
Laura calmly picked up the photograph and carefully inserted it back into the folder. She glanced at him and bristled inside. There it was: the swagger, the lopsided grin, the sparking eyes. She refused to let him bait her. "This is business. It's part of the Randall case. Here's the file on Nadine. Read it."
He picked it up and leafed through it. "Wouldn't you like to know if I plan to mix business with pleasure?"
"How you do it is up to you. Just keep her out of my way."
"Rest assured Laura that whatever I do with Nadine, I'll do with you in mind."
"I beg your pardon?"
"The good of your agency. Remember?"
"Don't do me any favours. Just do the job."
"Do the job on Nadine? My very intentions."
Laura gave him a tight smile. "If you'll excuse me, I've got a date to get ready for."
"Do I know him?"
"No. He's human."
"Hah. Well, the great detective has work to do." Steele stood up, straightened his clothes and reached for the file. "Not to worry Laura," he waved it in the air. "I'm taking Nadine home with me."
"Why break the habit of a lifetime? I'm going now so -"
"If it doesn't work out, I'm home alone tonight."
"And you'll stay home alone tonight," she crossed her arms.
"I could light some candles … set the mood for us, eh?" his eyes twinkled.
"When will you get it through your head that there is no 'us', mister."
"Okay. I'll set the mood for you and me instead."
"I give up," she slapped her thighs.
"You're just saying that to get my hopes up."
"You and I have a partnership. Business only. That's all it is and all it ever will be. If you'll excuse me, I have a night of romance to look forward to."
"Don't let me stop you Miss Holt." He adjusted his tie and glanced at his watch, "By the way, I'm out of candles. Can you pick some up on your way over tonight?" Seeing her advance menacingly towards him, Steele laughingly put up a hand, "Levity, Laura. Just a little levity - where's your sense of humour?"
"It's disappeared thanks to someone I know. Someone with a mysterious past and five passports."
"Are you saying I irritate you?"
"You're a master of understatement."
"Ah. So I get your blood boiling, eh? I make your muscles tense? I make you want to kill me?"
"Is that a rhetorical question?"
"Antagonism is a form of passion. I'll take that for now. The biggest insult is indifference Miss Holt."
"Whatever. I really don't care."
"Touché."
"You deserved that. We need to know how you're getting on so please call in every day."
"As you wish."
"This is strictly a one-off because we need a diversion," Laura insisted as she walked towards her office." There'll be no more cases for you after this one."
He waited until her hand was on the doorknob before saying, "I knew we could work together. What a peerless team. Aren't you encouraged at the way we're in sync? I'll wager that this isn't the only thing we come together on …"
She opened the door, walked in and slammed it shut behind her. He smiled at her display of temper. After a second, he chuckled.
********************************************
A couple of weeks later, Steele found himself once more surveying the surroundings of his favourite restaurant. Every aspect of it suggested exclusivity: the sumptuous setting, the plush booths, the opulent, lavish interior decoration and the gourmet cuisine. Ah yes, the high life indeed. And freedom to enjoy it now that Bruno had received his cheque. No more worries on that score. What's more, no description could do justice to Danny's Dessert. A real beauty: noble bearing, glossy coat, fertile and incredible stamina too.
Incredible stamina. A timely reference. What an adventure with the stunning and very willing Miss Lee: so energetic, so agile, so nimble-fingered too. Mind-boggling the kind of positions a charted jet to Vegas, designer gowns, endless bouquets of flowers and perfume buys these days. And all on Laura's say-so too. Her very orders. Her approval. If this wasn't the height of kinkiness, what was?
He turned to her just in time to prevent a major faux pas with the caviar. "Uh-uh, Nadine. Never bite. Always nibble." She obliged. A wonderfully provocative demonstration. Steele reached for the bottle, "More champagne?"
She shook her head.
"Anything?" he pressed.
"Just a cosy place to do some serious nibbling," she suggestively drawled.
He smiled. The brass nameplate was in place, ol' blue eyes would sing 'Night and Day' when they returned to his apartment and more champagne was on ice waiting to be uncorked … it's a dirty job but someone's got to do it. He raised his hand and beckoned the waiter.
"Yes, Mr. Steele?"
Without taking his eyes off Nadine he authoritatively commanded, "Check, please."